Need to talk to Dh about future - don't even know where to start

[Marriagemurmurs]

I'm a regular, namechanged as my sister often posts here and I don't want her to know how we're struggling at the minute.

Background is we're together 18 years, married 14 years, met when I was 16 and dh was 20.

We generally get on quite well, we've two children and not planning on anymore.

A few months ago I just felt we weren't going anywhere, the spark had sort of gone, I didn't want to make love to him, didn't want him to hold my hand or even kiss me on the cheek when leaving the house. After a heart to heart I decided I didn't see enough of him and the children so cut down my work hours. He works full time, I have two part time jobs which sees me out of the house 5 days and 2 evenings a week. I also went to the doctor who prescribed anti depressants and DH thought that was it dealt with and didn't try to make any changes regarding the way he speaks to me (or not!)

He doesn't talk much, never starts any conversations, I fail every day to have a two way chat going. I even said the other day why aren't you answering me? I'm trying to have a conversation & you just nod your head.

Whether I didn't see it as I was so busy when the children were young, or i'm picking now, he has no personality.

But, he is lovely. So kind, loyal, loving, adores the children. I just feel we've grown up together and the love I have for him is more of a respect and a 'like' as a person, rather than someone I want to jump on. It did used to be like this - I remember waiting for him to come through the back door as I missed him so much. Now I don't know if i'd miss him at all.

I'm driven, I've always done courses, exams etc and he's always supported me with childcare, mentally and emotionally.

Whereas he's been working on a project outside our house for 3 years now and still no end to it. He says I expect too much.

I want our old relationship back, which realistically, two children and 18 years later, am I going to get?

I like him as a person, as a man, as a father and as someone I'd choose to be friends with. I'm not so sure I feel the way I am meant to feel about someone I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with.

I understand this is complicated, I don't know how I feel but am just trying to get it out and work out what we need to talk about without him saying oh it'll all be ok, it'll work out in the end...!

I think you have to find the real objection in all of the above and tackle that specifically. If it's the lack of communication and being taken for granted that is getting you down, for example, you're going to have to find ways between you to get some time together as a couple. You may have to take more interest in his out of house project, whatever it is. I think it's significant that you got together as kids... tastes change over time and a lot of couples wouldn't look twice at each other if they were meeting for the first time 20 years down the track. Could be that it's not going to work or it could be that, with a bit of effort all round, you can find a connection. Good luck

Thank-you both

I don't think i'm being taken for granted, he works equally as hard as I do and does his share of cooking etc - He has no qualms about pulling his weight.

His outside project is a wall/garden area/bbq area and nothing really I can do as any suggestions I've made are taken on board and he's working on it. The closest support I've been able to give him is carry him coffee/beer whatever. He's just so laid back.

I told him a few months ago I wasn't sure of how I felt, I did/do love and like him but wasn't (still am not) sure if it was in the right way. At the time he said he could live without the love making etc for a while if we worked at it and got back to equal footing again, but then a few nights later I got drunk and we had sex So he thought that it was OK again. And I hate going over old ground all the time.

He got up yesterday morning and tried to make a move, I told him I wasn't interested and he said admit it, you don't fancy me anymore. I felt like a kick in the teeth. He then went outside to see to the animals and there wasn't a further conversation.

He has changed, as have I. I lost almost 5 stone last year, he lost over 3 stone. So both of us have changed, not just one of us.

He sent me a text this morning saying he missed me, I replied we need to talk, he said, not yet, I don't want to do this by text. and he was right, we won't - we'll both have to sit down and talk. But I hate the thought of where it might lead.

I don't want the children growing up with one parents, we're not fighting and bickering all the time, we agree on most things - but I think if he could put his hands over his eyes and his fingers in his ears, he would.

Thanks for the name of the book.

You have to find some common ground. If your lives have gone in separate directions - and 3 years on a wall/garden/BBQ sounds like an avoidance tactic to me - you may have to engineer that common ground initally. Things like taking up a new hobby or interest together, taking breaks without the children or scheduling regular times in your diaries to reconnect as a couple.

FWIW 'I'm not sure how I feel' is a really horrible place to leave someone. Rather than a kick in the teeth I suspect what you felt was a nerve being hit. He thinks it's over and I think you probably agree. So you have to decide whether it's 'good' or 'not good' and do something positive either way rather than leave the poor man twisting in the wind

I know Corgito, I know.

At the time we talked about getting away for a few days but it just never materialised. We have a family holiday booked for August and either way we should know where we stand by then, as I'm fed up dragging it out.

At the minute, we don't hate each other, I like his silent company, knowing I have someone on my side is great and he knows I am dependable and a hard worker. We both contribute equal amounts financially as well as housework etc. The more I talk about it, it's emotionally I think we're falling down a bit.

When I married DH both our families were against it, we are different religions and it was difficult for us to cross the divide and stand united as a couple, then to bring a child into a marriage and have to make decisions on their upbringing was difficult too - but we did it, so we have been solid and strong as a couple. He used to tell me he loved me all the time, as I told him. That's been missing for a while, and I would like to give it a damn good shot at getting it back.

Am not sure how he would feel about marriage counselling, I had counselling for depression after our first child and it really helped me.

"it's emotionally I think we're falling down a bit."

That's it then. You're missing a 'crisis'. If your relationship was forged in an us vs the world, backs against the wall kind of atmosphere, cosy domesticity is pretty dull. Also, if you've defended someone against all-comers, it's horrible to realise in the cold light of day that you might not have been that keen. I married someone in that spirit and it took a while before I realised it had been a bit of a mistake.

I read somewhere once,that 2 people get together because they admire the qualities in the other person,that they may lack themselves.
So he probably admired your drive,and you admired him being able to be laid
back.
I also read somewhere else that marriages are in a pendulum,either swinging towards each other or away from each other.
After 18 years,it is not unusual for things to have gone a bit stale.
Sounds to me like you both want to stay together.
So things need to change in some way,especially for you.

I couldnt make out from your posts whether you think you spend too much time together or not enough.
Also,maybe you need to bring forward your holiday if possibel?
Were you going away by yourselves or with the kids?
More questions than answers,but it may make you think about how you would like to move forward.

Another thought.What is the reason for 3 years on a wall.
Escapism for him,escape from you so he doesnt have to talk,just his nature,boredom,cant think of anything else to do?

You could be right million.

We don't spend enough time together. I'm out a lot for evening meetings for one of my jobs and he trains a local team two nights a week.

I have asked his mum to babysit on Saturday night & booked a room at the place we're eating. Hopefully a few hours child-free time will mean we'll talk.

Just writing here I've realised i'm not going to give up without a fight, but am also not going to cling to something that's going nowhere.

Three years on the wall is because he keeps adding bits on, tumbling bits, he used to be a builder so he could have it done in a very short time frame if he wasn't just pissing about at it! He works full time so just has evenings and weekends on the outside part, we built this house over 2 years so strange that a wall/project take longer. Don't think he's doing it to avoid me - cos if he was he'd be out at it a lot more often.

He golfs and plays football, I don't have any hobbies apart from reading. But as I say, his mum is going to take the children on Saturday afternoon and we'll head off. Back Sunday evening. I haven't told him yet, just text him asking if he wanted to go out with me on Saturday night - he replied "Where to? Who all is going?"

It's a family holiday in August, and no, unfortunately we can't bring it forward.

It sounds as if you have a lot going for your relationship but after 18 years you are tired.

Another book recommendation (Andrew Marshall "I love you but am not in love with you"). It does focus on the stages of a relationship and time together does impact that.

Are you getting sufficient down time as well as time together?

Glad you are going to get time together at the weekend.
He seems busy and you are busy,but both of you are not busy together.Could you play golf with him?From what little I know of golf,it could potentially involve a lot of time when you could talk,and he couldnt escape!
Worth a try?
From his point of view,is he missing the building that he used to be doing,but this might make your problem worse not better.

I found the Emotional Needs and Love Bank model very helpful when I had disconnected from my partner;

www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html

I hope things work out for you.

A few years ago I felt like you. A couple of things really helped - one was the book by John Gray "get what you want, and want what you get". If I remember correctly it described lots of different areas where we need to be loved - physical / emotional / community / etc and suggested that in the early days of a relationship we imagine that our partner fulfills all our needs, when in reality the need are filled to different extents by different friends and family and others. So I started to notice and appreciate my dp for the aspects where he really did fulfill me, and I secured my other needs for fulfillment elsewhere (with my best friend / my sister / an art club). The result was that I felt happy, and that I appreciated dp for his part in helping that to happen.

The second thing I did was what I call my deliberate love strategy. Sounds a bit yuk and Stepford, but it didn't feel like that. I focused for a bit on actively loving him - so if he was late home from work, rather than getting pissed off and bitching at him for a ruined dinner, I'd try to anticipate how he'd be feeling and what would make things better for him (cup of tea on arrival, and a big bowl of soup). I felt that this diminished my resentment and left space for me to notice how much love and appreciation I got in response.

I was also clear about what I did want and expect from him.

A few years ago I could have given up on things, and I'm really, really glad that I didn't. It feels like we have a really equal partnership where our similarities and our differences are given space.

Thanks for all the book recommendations, I like reading so it will be good to research them.

Haven't even been speaking to dh this evening as dd had an event and I'm just home, dh isn't home yet!

I even said the other day why aren't you answering me? I'm trying to have a conversation & you just nod your head.
that really rings a bell for me - I usually don't even get the nod - just comments like "I've got nothing to say", "I didn't think that you required an answer" or "I've got the information that I need, why would I want to say anything else".