Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

ExH texts DD 1 & 2 telling them....

19 replies

cahu · 05/06/2012 19:18

Been divorced 4 years from a very manipulative, probably narcisstic man. He is still with OW who was his first wife. Xh split up with her mid nineties, she was having an affair with a guy who became her third husband. Ow and third h divorced and my xh started an affair with her when dc were 2 and 7.. My xh was her second husband....

He is the sort who is never satisfied, grass is always greener and tried to get back with me 6 months after my divorce.

We have no contact as OW gives him hard time generally but especially regarding me and my girls are old enough to arrange it themselves. He lives with her and her daughter from her third marriage and my DD's spend alternate weekends with them and 1 week in the summer. Anyway the point is he texts them constantly telling them how much he misses them, wishes he was me so he could see them every day, etc, and generally
giving them all the poor little me crap. He lives a mile
so away but as soon as they ask to see him he make excuses.

His self pitying texts sometimes upset them... How do I say to them that it's his choice without making them feel worse?

OP posts:
colditz · 05/06/2012 19:20

If your daughters are old enough to arrange their own contact, they are old enough to understand that the reason they have shitty contact is that their father is shit at keeping contact. They probably know already.

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 05/06/2012 19:24

How old are they?

Original poster
cahu · 05/06/2012 19:29

I agree and in normal circs fine but he is an expert at looking after number 1 and playing mind games. He does this to them and they can't see through him.

OP posts:
Original poster
cahu · 05/06/2012 19:50

They are nearly 15 and 10 and although the truth is something he is not acquainted with, tend to believe him. He is in sales......

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 20:27

I know it's hard but my advice would be don't say anything and let them make their own mind up. He's still their dad and maybe it's nice for them in some ways that he at least says he wants to be with them. Don't let your (understandable) anger with him spill over into their relationship with him. Just try to let it go, be there for them and keep on doing there thing, as if he's now out of focus and its you and them. Don't give him the headspace.

sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 20:27

doing your thing

Original poster
cahu · 05/06/2012 20:55

Sarah. You are right of course, I think I'm just pissed off that I still have his crap going on years down the line. He won't attend any school functions, parents night etc if I am there....or if he does he tells girls to lie and not tell OW he was not there!

OP posts:
Original poster
cahu · 05/06/2012 20:56

Tell OW he wasn't there... Sorry on phone.

OP posts:
sarahseashell · 05/06/2012 21:02

it does sound like a pain - sounds like he and his current maneating wife are well suited. Not too many more years of the crap to go though hang in there Smile

Original poster
cahu · 05/06/2012 21:06

Thanks, I will. X

OP posts:
ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 05/06/2012 23:16

I think if you don't say things though, it just makes it seem as though what he's doing is fair enough/reasonable.... and I don't think that's fair on the girls.

Original poster
cahu · 05/06/2012 23:54

Yes, I have also viewed it in that way too. It's how to get a balance between pointing out his character defects in a way that doesn't affect them. Not easy. He has put them through a lot of crap over the years, most of which was either mind games or lying for him and I don't want to add to it.

OP posts:
soveryhard · 05/06/2012 23:57

10 is not old enough to arrange own contact, its putting adult responsibility onto a childs shoulders.

HerHissyness · 06/06/2012 00:37

I agree. This man is abusive, manipulative and is a Narc. these girls are not old enough/skilled enough to deal with such a creature.

The texts need to stop. contact needs to be SET and not negotiated. If he can't make a date , he should EMAIL YOU.

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2012 00:42

Tell them about open and closed questions. Get them to text back "Yes, we miss you too. When are we going to see you?" Throw the ball back in his court. The elder child should definitely be seeing through him now. He's lucky she hasn't turned on him.

MarySA · 06/06/2012 00:52

He sounds a real manipulator of people. It's a difficult situation. And you have to protect your daughters from being upset by him. Don't know what to suggest really. You can't really ban him from texting. It is really unfair that he should be texting all this stuff and then opting out when it comes to seeing them. I think they'll see through him especially the older one.

Original poster
cahu · 06/06/2012 08:55

Soverhard, they don't arrange their own contact, it is set as alternate weekends, and not a minute more. If anything changes, DD1 is informed as he refuses to have contact with me to keep his home life as smooth running as possible.

He told DD, who is 15 next month, they had a special bond etc when the divorce was going on whilst refusing to leave the family home, OW driving past constantly, taking them out to meet her but telling them not to tell me as she was just a friend. If DD1 showed me too much affection etc he would turn on her, once saying she had shown her true colours when she came out with me!

He and his family are all narcs but I can't really point this out to DD,s. The point is contact is steady at alternate weekends but the problem being when he texts them playing the martyr. It upsets them. How do I make them see it's an act?

OP posts:
tootiredtothinkofanickname · 06/06/2012 09:17

This makes me feel so :( for your DDs... it's not fair on them at all, they shouldn't be burdened with this. What your X is doing is actually emotional blackmail. I would have a very serious chat with him and tell him making DD1 practically choose between the two of you is very wrong and is likely to affect her for a long time. I would be very firm with this, and also wouldn't cover up any of his lies, don't play his game. He is an adult, he should take full responsibility for his choices.

Also, I think it's very important to have a frank discussion with your DDs. Maybe start it when you see them upset by one of his texts. It's important for them to be "allowed" to love both of you, but they need to know that although their father loves them very much he can be wrong sometimes. Try to repeat to them that they are not responsible for his mood, and hopefully in time they will rise above it and not feel guilty or burdened. If they can trust you and discuss it with you they will be fine.

mummytime · 06/06/2012 09:41

Can you get them some counselling? It would be really useful for them to talk to someone non-judgemental and who can say their feelings are valid, and who isn't involved.
You could also talk to them about people who don't react "normally", who don't seem to recognise or follow the normal social laws. You don't have to mention names, although they maybe able to identify people they know from school. I have gently been introducing the idea of red flags to my 13 year old, andI seems to be going quite well.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page