Is this an EA type tactic?

[QuestionForAFriend]

I have a friend in a relationship that has a number of very serious problems. Because they have a DC and does not want to break up the family, she has been trying to fix the problems in all sorts of ways for a very long time. Her attempts however are usually met with a lot of resistance or just refusal to engage by her boyfriend. BF really doesn't seem to want to change the status quo. He'll occasionally make vague promises to try harder or to do the things that need to happen, but nothing ever comes of it and he never does anything himself to initiate any conversations about their problems. When friend gets to end of tether and talks about leaving, the BF will suddenly come over all reasonable, start acting nice to friend and make what sound like reasonable offers to fix things although friend feels they're still not really being listened to and BF has taken control of the situation. My friend then feels like she's in the wrong for pursuing leaving when BF is 'trying' and like she's the bad guy. My feeling is that if BF really gave a toss about fixing problems they would have been saying that on all the occasions she has tried to bring it up shortly before getting to that point. She only got there because her BF was refusing to participate in the resolution process! Has anyone had experience with this? It has happened before and of course nothing changed then once she decided to give it a go. Does it sound like an EA situation? If it is does anyone know of any links about this type of behaviour that I can pass to her?

P.S. NC because it's about someone else.

'Abuse' might be over-egging it slightly without more information, but the boyfriend is certainly taking advantage of your friend's accommodating nature and anxiety about keeping the family together and has no intention of ever changing. Pulling his socks up occasionally when things look like they could get serious would be normal. Abuse, to me, would be if your friend feels trapped, dominated, isolated, miserable and if the bf is deliberately and maliciously setting out to belittle, ridicule, control, manipulate

Where your friend is going wrong - and anyone with a toddler can identify with this - is not following through on ultimatums. 'Behave properly or I'll send you to bed with no supper' has no effect whatsoever if you end up feeling so guilty about a hungry child that you take them a snack....

I don't want to put too much information or drip feed, but was wondering whether that tactic was typical in EA situations. Totally agree with your summary though, Corgito!

It's a common behavioural pattern to wait until the chips are down before promising to change, pointing to your willingness to change as 'proof' that change is imminent, but gambling (correctly) that the person laying down the chips will back off rather than follow through. Not necessarily an abusive tactic, of course, although turning it back on your accuser in a 'I am changing therefore you are bad person for reminding me of my promise' could be. Contrary to Sir Elton's opinion... 'sorry is the easiest word'.

BTW... 'emotional abuse' is just an extreme point on a continuum that most of us operate within. We all use various tactics to get what we want in life - some less commendable than others - and it's the intention behind them that is important, not so much the tactic itself.