Help me move on please!!!

[needtoletgo]

I have been separated from my soon to be ex husband 2 years July.
We have 3 children together who he sees every other weekend.
I suffered awful PN depression and it effected my confidence (upbringing was awful to)
To cut a long story short I ended my marriage cos I thought I didnt love him, thought we were more like friends. I thought he deserved to be loved. We didnt do a great deal together both our faults, we both give up I guess.
Today Im a different person. Iv done a college course, lost weight, met new friends and have lots I want to do. Unlike when I was married, I had no drive whats so ever!
I know we wont get back together as he left and didnt fight to stay. Met someone within months and they are still together and happy. He has the life he wants now. I cant help but feel like I was a rubbish wife. I feel guilty for how I was all those years. I know now I can be a good wife but its too late.
Yesterday I was at a local event with friends and there were families everywhere and its hurts so so much. Girls were with him at a jubilee party at his gf's house. Its been 2 years but I feel so sad most of the time about what I have thrown away.

Hi Need
I've been in a very similar situation - separated 5 years now, 3 teenage kids, see their dad and his gf and 2 babies every weekend. They all had a wonderful street party yesterday at his house. Its is so difficult to see past the happy families when there are bank holidays and celebrations going on all around and you feel as if you're the only one not enjoying yourself. Time will make a huge difference to how you feel about this. You've made a fantastic effort to help yourself become a new and better and happier person. That wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed together. You have to do what's right for you and the fact you have made such big steps in your own life shows how much you were missing when you were together. Don't assume all the 'happy' families really are ... its often such a thin veneer that masks what's really going on at home - sadly the divorce statistics speak volumes...
So he has the life he wants now? That may be the case or he may have jumped in at the first opportunity for security's sake - you haven't done that and its a credit to you that you've worked on doing the best for your kids and helping yourself to feel better since the break-up.
Sooner or later you'll find someone who values you and deserves your time and attention and then there will be no holding you back.
Big MN hugs

Thankyou raskolnikov :)
Yes its bank holidays and other event I find the most difficult, or just being in the park and seeing another daddy with his kids.
They went with their dad sunday evening, for the week as they are going on hols. When they left I cryed like a baby :( It hurts even 2 years later.
I know what you mean about 'happy' families we dont lnow this for sure but its just normality I miss.
Thankyou for your kind words. I have def changed for the better. I couldnt when I was married and have no clue why. Wish I could have maybe I could of saved our marriage. I guess theres nothing I can do. I just needed someone to chat to today.
Thanks again for your reply :)

"Wish I could have maybe I could of saved our marriage"

You are the person you are today precisely because you are independent. If you had stayed married you would not be that person. If he left without a murmur there was no marriage to save. To stop yourself being stuck in the past, make plans for the future.

And btw... don't 'envy' those supposedly happy families around you at local events. They could easily be stuck in unhappy relationships and just doing a good job not showing it.

Thankyou Corgito :)
This is very true and I dont know why I couldnt be who I am today whilst we were still married. I left because we were like friends. He wasnt a cheat, violent or abusive in any way. He didnt spend all of the money or gamble. He was a calm man that people like. He just didnt show me emotion or have any drive. Your right there couldnt of been a marriage but I blame me. I dont want to any more.
This is true also I know we dont know the truth!

ditto what corgito says.

When they're older, your kids will appreciate what you've done for them by letting them see their Dad and spend time when its obviously so difficult for you. Try and organise things to do when you know they're not going to be around. Doing something you couldn't do with the kids, a special treat for you, makes a huge difference and its good for them to see you enjoying yourself, even when they aren't there. I went to a spa with some friends about a month ago - 2 nights, spoiled myself rotten and it was the best feeling and I felt marvellous when I got home. Ex's GF will have had 5 kids to look after including a 10 month old and 2 year old that weekend - that made me feel a whole lot better too :o

sorry, x post with you Need ...
Dont blame yourself, you both needed to work to make the marriage a success - he wasn't. You couldn't have kept it afloat single-handedly.

Personally I would find a likeable, 'calm man' with no emotion or drive so frustratingly dull to live with that I would end up poking him with metaphorical sticks in an effort to get a reaction. I don't know how old you were when you got together - our definition of 'attractive' can change over time. Or maybe he seemed like a good antidote to your problematic upbringing' by not having the same bad character traits as other men in your life? I'm sure, at the time, someone calm, likeable and placid seemed like a really sound choice. It's no-one's fault if it goes wrong.

Agree with Corgito

Thankyou raskolnikov its nice to hear this as the guilt takes over sometimes.
That sounds fab, glad you enjoyed yourself. Ha yes Im sure your spa weekend was alot less stressful. Good for you :) My ex doesnt take my daughters to his gf;s. Its been almost 2 years and I think they have stayed twice.
I would love a spa day. Finances are a bit tight at the moment but one day I will spoil myself :)
I went out with friends yesterday and today Im home all day but have managed to catch up on some housework. All my friends have partners but one friend has been fab and said if Im feeling like I want some company I could go and visit any time which is nice. I dont know what single people do in their spare time alone?

Just to put a different slant on it op, my exH has had the last four days off and has spent the vast majority of it up the pub and hasnt spoken to our dc's once! So it's great that your exH wants to have input in your dc lives!

Hi Need,

You are talking on the other side of the coin to men who have left and regret it.

Very sadly, you were depressed and acted on those distorted thoughts. Just like men act on theirs and find OW.

Mourning and grieving (which of course ignites all the previous losses) is important. Don't fight it, one day you could express your regret to him - in the presence of the partner, of course - and apologise.

It is only when you assimilate your past and grieve for all that was lost including the cruelty to a small girl, that you become whole and can genuinely move on. But it hurts so much.

PS before everyone starts jumping up and down REGRET (mourning loss) and FAULT (taking the blame) are NOT the same things. Correlation does not mean causation.

Corgito... Ha yes it was difficult. When we met I was young and it was ok to start with, the honeymoon period I guess. We started to drift apart probably within the first couple of years, bought our home, had kids but people change and grow, need more. My previous bf was a cheat and abusive. I think he was someone I thought I needed in my life. He had been bought up in a religious household.
susiedaisy.. yes I dont doubt him for one minute about his part in our daughters lives. He is a good dad and always has been.
Sorry to hear your dc's dad is a selfish pig! They have you and they will always have you.

Thankyou Abitwobblynow :)
I feel quite teary reading these posts thankyou. Iv def cryed lots of tears and I have said Im sorry but he has left and not looked back. Its like when I talk to him he looks straight through me. He doesnt give me a response. He just makes it clear its over hes moved on and he blanks me.
My past was awful and I blame my depression on alot of it. For years I didnt like who I was. as thats how I was made to feel. Today I like who I am Im just sorry I had to leave my husband to find me. Im sorry to my daughters I guess.

He's obviously hurting too, but yes, he's made an effort to move on and so have you, although its easy to look back and wonder if you could have managed things differently. So now perhaps you can look at it in terms of: without that relationship I wouldn't have my daughters, without the separation I wouldn't be the better, stronger person I am today, so look to the future and keep on doing the best you can - the wobbly days will get fewer and further apart.
Re. what do single people do in their spare time? They take a deep breath and get out there, join a walking group, gym, find a zumba class, learn something new, a craft perhaps, get to know mums at school, volunteer at school or elsewhere, get a part-time job if that's feasible. Think about things you enjoyed doing when you were younger, a hobby maybe. Get in touch with old friends. Any of these things will have an effect on your outlook and fill up your time and give you things to look forward to.
It may be difficult to imagine now, but your daughters will admire the woman you've become, the way you've handled the (huge) difficulties and the example you give them.

Thankyou raskolnikov. Your posts have made me feel more positive today.
Thankyou all :)
Yes I do try and look at the positive things. Im trying I really am!
Thanks again :)