Ds asking why xh left......

[davidtennantsmistress]

Ds1 is 6 and going thru the whole 'love and family' things at school. His dad walked out when he was 18 months old, so he's nev really known a life with xh. Anyhow, he's been getting upset lately & asking why I've changed my name to maiden name, why I don't kiss xh's picture and he keeps asking me to, even though I have a dp, and am happy with, plus ds2.

Anyhow over the w.e ds1 asked why his dad left, I did miss a thing there to say ds left me not you, but at the time I was shocked he asked and had just had a ruck with dp. Anyhow I said he'd need to ask is dad... He did and got a reply of 'cos I did', the truth is he was a manipulative abusive bully who had been having an affair with a trainee of his, however this I refuse I tell ds. Ds keeps being told by myself, my parents and family that he's loved and we all love him and that daddy loves him just mummy and dady don't love each other anymore.

Poor ds also got upset as he doesn't see his dad everyday, to which xh said you do every other weekend and ds said no I don't, I'm just so sad for ds and not sure how to help, I could strangle xh sometimes but to be quie frank he's the least of my concerns.

Will it get asker for ds?

Yes borderline personality disorder. I find it very hard, xp did a lot of things to me, our dd came from rape, I often have to provide parenting support to and fight the fires he starts it is very difficult, I understand why he is like it (he was diagnosed after he left) and I don't resent him for it but I resent the position sometimes. Sorry for hijacking. I find it useful to know I am correct in asserting it is normal to be upset and ther are others going through the same with their children!

Bluebelly, I think your experiences are valid when it comes to a 'straightforward' affair scenario, but his is that PLUS abuse.

The abuse dynamic is a WHOLE other game entirely. I've, for the most part, been absolutely fair with my assessment of the situation, I've allowed the Ex to have a more golden memory than he is really entitled to. But I will not have HIM sitting on a throne of remembrance.

Since he left I have attended the Freedom Programme, I attend a DV group most weeks and am in therapy. DS knows I do this, and he knows why (age appropriate) he knows that some days I don't want to leave the house (but I still do) I've glossed over lots, but it's VITAL for the male child of an abuser to see that there are lasting effects of abuse and that it takes a lot of effort to get over them.

The truth is our ally here. If we sugarcoat it all, imagine the fall from grace that WE will have when he realises that the life he thought he knew was a tissue of lies, a smoke screen and that actually his dad was a monster.

The shock will exacerbate the imagination as to what that man did or didn't do. He will not trust OUR word. he will 'lose' TWO parents in the one realisation.

Better for the truth to be there, as it's entitled to be, for all to see and examine. To discuss or not. To be accepted.

Otherwise our sons won't learn how NOT to treat women, our daughters won't learn NOT to accept it, and we might see our own history repeat itself with our own children. That would literally kill me.

Yes, abuse completely changes the playing field. I have been married 3 years and xp left when I was pg with dd who is 5 so I am a long way through the women's aid support, rape and other counselling and court battles and mediation. Things will always be ongoing for dcs and I and my poor but amazing husband and other dcs but I feel I'm doing a good job, I'm certainly trying my best and putting a lot in.

You know, I must really improve my typing speeds! Yes, I can see that my experiences are virtually irrevelant when applied to exs who abuse etc. sorry!

There's been great advice on this thread, so I hope you feel a bit more confident and empowered to deal with this problem, OP.

Bluebelly - your advice is still good, it is important to really examine what things relate to your relationship with your ex and what things relate to the dcs relationship with them!

Absolutely Offred, Bluebelly your comments ARE valid, they are a great example of how things CAN be done in separated families. Your mum did a great job.

I'm hoping he won't say he doesn't want to see xp actually. You can have a relationship of sorts with a bpd person but you need to be savvy and you need to learn loving someone is different to pleasing them.

Sorry just saw all my typos on original post, am on the I pad and not very good lol.

Everts'ones comments have been so kind and thoughtful also all very valid, I like to take advice to try and see all angles from mine to dp's but most importantly ds'es so everyone thank you.

Herhissy, thats struck a cord, ds will put up with so much he's starting to speak up more for himself but mostly he just walks away he knows kind behaviour and unkind behaviour, so now may well be the time I start saying more no meanness is never allowed by anyone, child or adult.

Off, thankfully or not, xh while the way he is doesn't have bps, so can't imagine how your ds is feeling

Have and ds today if thes any questions he may have and he says no, but he slept with my parents last night and talked to mum, as he always has done, which I don't mind aas he's talking to someone, we usually discuss things he's said and then work together to find solutions.

Blue, this is where I am at now, so far I've tried so hard to be unbiased, all the hurt I went thru, the tears and cuddles not ds when he was sleeping after this all happened, I hoped he'd never need to know about, but like wise, he must remember some of it, as he said yesterday he doesn't like seeing me upset and it upsets him. Must learn to be more detached, but it's very emotive.

In some ways it helps for there to be a reason and explanation for how xp behaves; it helps us all.

Offred, I agree, to have someone who is abusive just 'cuz, is really crappy. BUT not all BPD sufferers are abusive are they?

DTM, you are asking the right questions, you are realising that there may be rivers to cross, bridges to build, your eyes and ears are open. You are doing what works best for everyone. You will get through!

My son is starting to stand up for himself and I am encouraging that. I'm aware that he may perhaps strike back to those mean kids in school, but tbh, I'd be happy if he DID get into a bit of trouble. It'd teach those around him that he can stand up for himself, and we (school/me) can always rein him in if need be. I can't MAKE him stand up for himself, he has to know that it's OK to do so. As long as it's unavoidable and proportionate.

Okay as the child of a mother who left her abusive husband ( my father) when I was two. I would say, you do not have to hide all emotion from your children. Yes don't cry all over them or burden them with endless stories about how dreadful their father is. But it is fine to cry sometimes, and show their father upset you. You can also occasionally drop in stories of what went on ( of the milder kind). For instance I knew about my father's mistress, and also heard about a time he gambled all the money he earnt, so my mother had to beg for money from her parents for food. I didn't realise how badit must have been until I was in my teens and saw a photo of us soon after we left my father and realised how skinny my mother had been.
You need to also let them know they can tell you anything (including that they don't think Daddy loves them, because he may not).

I don't know herhissy! I would think they probably are! Isnt it a feature of BPD diagnosis that they behave in ways that are abusive in relationships.

I'm the child of a mother who ran off with my dads best friend and is still with him 30 years later. This, it seems, was the trigger point for my own BPD, which was diagnosed 2 years ago.

I'd like to come in to this on the BPD front. If your x is prepared to go through some very intensive therapy and work very hard, then BPD can be beaten back, though you always have to be very aware it can creep back again. Right now, if I was tested, I'd appear not to have it at all. Cos I've worked very very hard at dealing with my issues. But I can't relax my vigilance, cos it could creep back if I let it - I'm now on contact as-and-when with my psychologist, I see him every couple of months for accountability, and on his advice (well, he agreed with my decision) I've given up any thought of reconciliation with my birth-mother as she just doesn't, or is unable to, care.

I don't know your set up OP and I realise that things are different for you and your children than they are for me. But it's not the BPD that's stopping the relationship developing, it's your x's way of dealing with it. If he really, really wanted to he could access Schema therapy or dialectical behaviour therapy or an individualised therapy program to help him live more normally. But it sounds like he doesn't want to. It's a very hard, painful road (I had to stop work while I had therapy, it took literally all my energy!!) but it is soooooo worth it!! My relationship with my 3 children is hugely better and I can finally have a decent, equal relationship with my dear, loving, patient, fantastic dh who has supported mr through it all. But I wasn't abusive or unfaithful, so it was easier for him to forgive my issues!

www.borderlinepersonalitytoday.com or the MIND website gives more details about diagnosis/symptoms of BPD.

Not all people (it's mainly women who are diagnosed) are abusive, though some are. I wasn't (dh backs me up on this). I was, though, very hard to live with when it was acute, fearing separation, abusing alcohol, irrational behaviour, very little sense of who I was, dissociation (feeling like I wasn't in my body), self harm, suicide attempts. I don't get it, now that I've been diagnosed and am in ongoing treatment, why others don't want to get out of the hell in their own heads. For me, diagnosis was a huuuuuuuuuge relief. Finally I knew WHY!

I'm not sure he could access help really, our health services are total shit, there is basically no mental health service here at all. He has worse than no help or support at home, his dad has run off and has not been around for 10 years, his mum is an abusive alcoholic, his sister is too, they are all very broken. He has chosen a very mousey, quite and obedient gf with no opinions. His half sister is a mess, very hystrionic, currently destroying marriage number 2 and losing another child to the father because she can't cope. They all lean on him. I don't think the health service will have offered or told him about those things, I don't think they'll necessarily be available and I don't think he will feel he'll be able to access them.

Wel, to give you all an up date, ds came back from his fathers last visit very distressed, and asking the same questions, this time I remembered you guys and answered him as best I could by saying daddy wasn't kind and basically loved someone else, he seems happier now he has answers, but is still idolising his dad, annoying but I can deal with that.

It took for my mum telling him thou that xh loved him for ds to believe it, it would appear xh doesn't tell him. Which is rather sad I find.

You have to gently ensure he has the truth. All of it eventually.

Or he'll grow up thinking everything was your doing (his dad will see to that) and that his dad is an acceptable role model (clearly not)

Your son is old enough for you to be age appropriately honest. He needs to be able to trust you.

Otherwise when the truth comes out (cos it WILL) he'll feel let down by you AND his dad, but he may run to his dad for help /reassurance.

This is what I don't want hissy, ESP as now daddy has a big 3 bed Ouse, and I've just given up my three bed, to down size to a more affordable 2 bed flat, this he shares or will be come summer sharing with ds2, so daddy's house means own room and space mummy's means sharing with baby brother.

I've said to him I'll try to answer any and all of his questions without being angry or upset, or at least trying to be, the night in question meant lots of tears for us both.

Tears are ok. He needs to see your emotion, he needs to know its ok for him to express his emotion.

Well done, keep talking to him.

Thanks it's so hard, oh also talked to his teachers as well, he has two and a support assistant, whom is purely there for the emotional needs of the children, so it's good schools supporting him as well, in fact have been very impressed with his school during this spell.

I agree about not sugar-coating the truth. STBXH has done enough 're-writing of history' to last us all a lifetime, I won't add to the lies by pretending that we are separating just because 'we don't get on'.

My DCs, esp DS1 have experienced some of H's milder EA behaviours, but not enough yet to be ground down. They are 5, 7 & 12 and they all understand why I cannot live with him.

No matter how nice he tries to be now, how much DS1 insists that H has changed and is really trying, I will be firm that he wouldn't have been this kind if he weren't about to leave and that is what it took to wake him up.

With your X your DS is more than aware of his short-comings - he is asking you to validate his feelings towards his dad and unless you say to him "actually yes, your dad can be quite mean and dismiss people's feelings" etc, then your poor DS's version of reality is being challenged. That is almost as EA as your X's behaviour in my mind. Your DS needs to know that you believe his opinion of his dad.

Especially as there was infidelity involved, you can tell him exactly why your X left, you have every right to tell your DS that his dad 'loved' someone else and that when you are married you are only supposed to love one person. You can say that actually it was lucky for you because you met someone who is kinder to you and who loves DS too.