After 10 years should I understand everything my DH does - do you?

[missmakesstuff]

Just pondering..DH at times goes into a 'sulk', doesn't speak to me more than one word answers, won't be cajoled into talking, and almost shuts down - he is currently watching some rubbish B movie whilst I mumsnet after we just got back after a weekend away with my family, (which can be trying at the best of times), I think all he needs is just to chill, not make conversation, not have to try as such, just zone out as it has been a full on weekend with lots of new people, going out, drinking, dealing with my annoying parents, etc. It does annoy me though as I did all the driving, (3hrs), unpacked the car, put stuff away, fed DD, bathed her etc, whilst he just wanted to put the TV on and do nothing as soon as we got in the door. Also his mum rang just as we got in and was moaning at him for something or other - no idea really what as when I asked him what she was moaning about it was just 'this and that'.

However, I can't help feeling that I have done something wrong, have upset him, have said or done something, whenever he is like this, which is fairly often - he is just generally a quieter person than me and doesn't tend to 'talk' about important stuff, but I do think I have to second guess everything and feel insecure if he is quiet. It has got a bit worse after having DD, but probably just because things change, and I do feel a bit of a nag at times about household stuff, I have posted before about this and he current situtation we have about my parents moving to be closer to us - I think he sometimes just feels the pressure of being a family harder than when it was just the two of us - but then so do I, and I just have to get on with it really.

We have been together 10 years, have a 2 yr old dd and a much longer history as friends - so I long windedly am asking, do any of you actually know your DH inside out after this time? Do you get to just know how they are about things, in situations, or is it normal to have to work them out still?! Do you ever feel like you are trying to fathom what is going on in their brains - I would ask him, but I honestly don't know if he actually gets it either!

I am not unhappy or anything, things could be better, but we have a pretty good relationship, it's just that sometimes I feel it is just harder work than it should be, IYSWIM?

Anyway, very mundane and boring problems, if you have got to the end of this well done and thanks!
(Oh, and he isn't a bastard and I am not leaving him!)

You serious?

Basically he has you tiptoeing around him and doing everything!
I can't believe you drove, unpacked and sorted out your DD while he just lounged around watching TV!!!! What happened to partnership, ie you unpack, he deals with child or vice versa?

I don't think there's that much to work out, he sounds like a lazy so and so to me...

I haven't been with DP 10 years, but mine does the quiet thing, and it used to make me really nervous. Now I just ask him though "Are you pissed off with me?" and normally he's not and it's something else so I just leave him alone to have some quiet time.

However, he doesn't sulk out of doing chores etc, he's just not sociable at these times.

I can understand not wanting to do stuff when you've just got back from a big weekend away - although if there's stuff to do with DD etc then he ought to be helping. But the car probably didn't need unpacking right away and he was probably thinking "I'll do it later". I guess the question there is whether he does make up for it later. I know I (personally) can't stand the thought of doing more stuff when I've just got in and I'd rather sit for a bit first, but it does get done. DP's more the kind of person who needs to do it before he can relax.

LEAVE THE BAS...eh...oh, well then!

I think that's a fairly tricky question actually. For some yes and for others no. I know Dh inside and out, even if I didn't he's as easy to read as a large print book. But I made clear that there is no second guessing, no brooding, no ominous silecnces. That goes for both of us. I expect him to use the big hole in the front of his face and discuss things with me, same for me. I have the tendency to go quiet and want to slope off somewhere for a think, but that leads, more often than not to a sulk and it all gets a bit teenaged.
We work hard to maintain 'radio feelings' as it has lots of benefits for us- as above, but also connection and feeling supported. It does mean we know each other well enough to predict an outcome 9 times out of 10. That doesn't mean there isn't any privacy though.

Some people don't seem bothered about what's going on in their spouse's head and work under the 'if I need to know, they'll tell me' that might work very well for them. I was surprised at the number of people that seem to love the drama of a moody spouse though, seemingly feeding off the angst and bad feeling...until suddenly it's too much and they realise they have no chance of communication now. Some people just prefer mystery.

Something that made me prick up my ears a wee bit on your op was the fact you feel insecure when he goes quiet. He sounds a little more moody and, frankly, fairly thoughtless from your op but that is just a little snippet I know. If he uses switching off as a coping or processing method and you are happy with that then fine, but I think he could at least vaguely motion that he's a bit over it all and needs a re-charge thus avoiding you needing to feel worried (about what? Is the usually an argument after or just distance?) . No-one parent should be opting out of their responsibilities though to slump in front of the tv. Both need time to relax so it really isn't fair. Have you done too much second guessing? He won't need to make the effort to do the hard bits of a relationship (talking about things, important or mundane to get them sorted) if you are running the conversation for both of you. I'm never worried if DH is quiet because I know full well when I've pissed him off, when others have pissed him off, when he's dog tired and the difference. It does sound like you need to learn to communicate with each other - he needs to say more...maybe you need to say less but have an assurance it's actually being heard and he values you enough to do it. That's just from the OP though so ?

Spent so long faffing around while replying pp's got there first!

I agree he can be lazy about some things, but not at all about others - for example he has done all the work on our house (gutted ad rebuilt it) and I wouldn't bother normally, he would probably do it, tomorrow, but I didn't want to leave some things in the car, we park on the street and some of it was in view, plus we had a bag of food in there - yes, he can be lazy when it comes to things like this, but he isn't in other ways - it just doesn't compute with him - for example, when we got in, the fridge had tripped the electric, so was off all weekend - I told him, he sorted it, but then left the fridge pulled out of the space - annoying to me, not to him so can wait...

I also asked him if the stuff inside was ok still or not - he says yes, I check and no, it really isn't, mould on the cheese, off milk etc.

I do find myself nagging and being passive aggressive about the cleaning etc, it does do my head in, he just doesn't see the mess. His mother did everything for him, he has never had to lift a finger, his dad is the same, and his mum drives FIL bonkers as she just talks to herself all the time and runs around after him all the time, talking to herself because his dad is worse, just doesn't talk much at all.

Not painting a nice picture am I..feeling a bit down about it all actually.

Do not want to end up like his mother!

NicNoc thanks, even though I got back first! I do probably read too much into things, I am not very confident, and worry about things people say or don't say a bit too much - I tend to dwell on things a lot, so probably read too much into his silences. I just asked him what was up - nothing, apparently, asked him washe tired, no, (is insomniac, barely gets more than 4hrs a night sleep) and asked him if his mum had pissed him off. no apparently. he is sniggering at the film we are watching, so doesn't seem in a bad mood.

I don't know, maybe I just read too much into what he is acting like, he probably isn't actually that deep! He is Irish, if that helps.... (and joking - but really, I don't know if Irish men do talking!

Basically he helps but on his terms...

He does the 'worthy' manly 'big' jobs, but when it comes to tidying up, the boring everyday stuff that needs doing, he's nowhere to be found.
Not much fun for you- you don't get to chose what needs doing.

Agree with anonacfr. It's all on his terms. Lots of privilege/entitlement going on there. I also think sulking is abusive (not everyone agrees, I realise). Yes everyone can have a sulk for half an hour or whatever, but using that to get out of doing necessary work, nah.

And I speak as someone who hates unpacking the car when we get back from being away. I wouldn't dream of sitting watching TV while my partner ran around doing everything, even if I didn't want to unpack it then.

Sulking is abusive, not in an overt I'm The Boss Of You way, but in a more subtle, this is how I think people get what they want way. It's a learned behaviour but it doesn't mean you have to put up with it. It might be harder to break the habit after 10 years, though.

With the cleaning could you do something like a rota or checklist, or split up the rooms? If he's literally never been in charge of the day to day cleaning then he probably doesn't notice it or realise how much there is to do, but this isn't a genetic fault, it's another learned behaviour. It doesn't register to him because in his mind, it isn't his responsibility.

You have to talk to him, and tell him how his sulking makes you feel anxious and that you worry you've done something to upset you, and also that you feel resentful that you end up doing all/most of the housework and that he only helps when you ask him because it makes you feel like you're nagging.

Hopefully you'll be able to come up with some system for the "downtime". I personally don't mind if DP isn't cleaning etc at the same time as me as long as he makes up for it later, but some people hate that, so make sure you only agree to what you are comfortable with, don't end up with an unhappy solution in the name of compromise. You need to know what's going on because it's not on for him to make you feel anxious and worried even if he's doing it without thinking. And if the new system isn't working or it's still making you worry then you need another talk.

With cleaning, jobs which need to be done straight away e.g. getting the food and the expensive items into the house should be shared out either with both of you doing it together or one person attends to DD etc. That's only fair.

For the more day to day things if he's apt to forget or "not notice" then you might need some kind of reminder system like a rota where you both have set jobs (and with this don't let him pick and choose unless there are jobs you genuinely don't mind and he hates vs you hate but he doesn't mind - perhaps rotate the jobs you both hate so nobody has to do it too often)

Or a checklist works well for some families - can help when DD is a bit older too - do a short daily checklist of things like "Counters clear and wiped" "Floor clear of toys and hoovered" "Clothes in the wash basket/in bedrooms" "One load of washing put on" etc etc. Stick it somewhere like the fridge and everyone ticks off when they've completed a task - this is also a useful way of keeping track of who's doing what. Also, building in routines like as soon as dinner is finished plates are taken out and scraped/rinsed and put in the dishwasher or stacked next to the sink can help reduce the amount of work to do.

You can also divide up the rooms so that e.g. the bathroom and bedrooms are his responsibility and the rest of the house is yours. Or divide more equally (higher traffic rooms are more work) if you have equal at-home time.

If he's a nice, caring type then he should be open to some suggestions - if he isn't then you have bigger problems than the housework :(

Thanks all of you, was prepared for a telling off about how I am enabling him or am a doormat etc, which I am to an extent. All really useful suggestions though! I think he feels unsure at times too as to how to do chores, as I'd he won't do things the way I want or something. I have briefly focussed with him rotas etc, he has said just give him a list of things to do and he will do them, he also has said he will do more cooking at the weekends so I don't have to do it during the week, as its me that's in first with dd.
That part of it is infuriating, but I don't think even when we talk about it he gets just how angry I feel, I need to be sure its actually going in I think, which I am not sure it does. It is definitely learned behaviour, as he will just switch off when his mum talks, his dad is the same, but so much worse, he doesn't even make himself a cup of tea! We are going out for a meal Friday, think I will talk to him then, as I don't want to be brewing all this frustration all the time.