What constitutes abusive behaviour?

[MissyMessy]

Hi
So I'm 18months down the line from leaving my ex and have a bf who I've been seeing for a while.

When we have a disagreement, I like to feel it's all sorted and fine, so always ask, if we're ok, once we've kind of sorted it. So he says "yes" and that's fine. What sometimes then happens is that he seems to be in a huff with me, kind of freezes me out, doesn't text or answer my calls, until a time that he seems to see fit. He claims he needs to take a "step back" but I feel that if you say things are fine, then they should be just that.

Is this mildly abusive behaviour, or is he just a sulk?

Should I respect his style of sorting things out more?

Anyhow, I'm not sure.

Thanks for your thoughts.

Sulking is manipulative childish behaviour IMO. It doesn't really matter whether it's abusive or not, it upsets you and puts you on edge which isn't something a loving partner should want to do to their other half.

Have you talked to him about it?

Sounds a bit passive aggressive to me!

I wouldn't say he sounds abusive, I'd say like he sounds like a bit of a tosser. I can't abide sulking - and you're right, if he says he's fine then he should be fine. Life's too short for this sort of game playing.

Not abuse, no. Just someone who doesn't forgive and forget easily.

Hi, cailindana I have talked to him about it, and he has said he will try not to do this but it keeps happening.

leverette I have been feeling insecure, as a result of his behaviour, and this in turn is causing arguments. We didn't have a cross word in months, but I have been quite insecure at times within our relationship, I have been stressed about work, buying a house, and creating a stable future for my family, which has led me to be a bit needy at times.

We have argued over him pushing me to do things, like take things forward with buying my house, getting a settlement from my ex, though he says he's just giving me the kick up the bum I need. I seek reassurance, and he gives me so much then gets really cross, then huffs. Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm not ready for a new relationship. I was with my ex for 15 years.

some people are introverted enough that they REALLY need to be left alone when they are upset, because if they're pressured to interact they know they'll say something they regret.

my DH and sister are like this, and they are really nice, unselfish people who don't mean any harm by it. they're being silent because it's actually what they know to be the best thing for them to do in that situation. and after a silent period, both will come back to the other person and want to make amends and be reasonable about it iyswim.

maybe this guy is like that too, but there's no way for us to know for sure.

however
if his way of dealing with things upsets you, then don't hang around getting more involved. maybe he's being abusive, maybe it's just his way, but the fact is it's making you feel insecure and sad. and you can't expect him to change, if that's the way he is, then that's it really. so vote with your feet in that case.

sorry

oikopolis I see what you mean. Generally he comes back and is nice, generally not mentioning things, so I think, "wait a minute? what was all that about?" I do try to respect his way of dealing with things, but I do find it frustrating. I think what frustrates me is the not knowing. Interestingly, he says I need to speak to him more about the way I feel, as I tend to bottle things up, and say things are fine, then get upset later. Which I know is not a healthy way of dealing with things.

I find that in my relationships with other people (my parents, my boss) I'm not that assertive, then get resentful. Maybe I can be a martyr as well. I can see I have huge flaws in my character, but I'm beginning to see them now, and am trying to change them.