Weight based 'jokes'

[pamelat]

my dad is a very lovely person.

I dont want to upset him but dh says he is going to have a word if I don't

My dad is skinny, too skinny really. He hasn't always been and not sure if that's relevant. He's very fit, cycles 20 miles most days, running etc

He is in his late 50's so it's quite impressive

He does though make jokes or comments about my mums (mainly), mine, my brothers or my sobs weight (he's only 23 months so fortunately doesn't understand)

None of us are over weight by more than a few lbs

My mum laughs at his 'ribbing' with her butbi know she's body conscious really, she has the similar fitness regime.

I can't really explain it. Today we has ice creams (but not my dad) and he laughed at us 'fatties'. I guess I am used to it. The only time it bothered me was when ices about 15 and he said to me, or my mum, I can't remember that my puppy fat was like a thorn in a rose. He denies it now but I know he said it, maybe I over heard it? I went ultra fit as a result, but I know it upset me.

Am no longer so fit :)

Dh's concern is the impact these 'jokey' comments may have on our own children, dd aged 4 (dad said she was a slim gym these days, but even so, it's weight related) and him calling ds 'tubster' etc. Ds is a big healthy boy

So, is it just jokey and ok? Is it ok for now but not once they are older? Or does it need stopping?

My dad even asked me today how much dh weighed!! I lied and said I didn't know as know dh sensitive about his own weight and didn't want any 'jokes'

Should I let dh say it himself?

But it's not jokes is it, it is jibes or digs said in a way to make it look like its a joke!! he's obviously very proud of his weight/fitness routine and assumes everyone else wants to be the same, or should be the same! I think you are going to have to be blunt with him and tell him that other peoples weight is none of his concern and you don't appreciate him keeping on and on about it!

It sounds like he is obsessed!

I think he is obsessed

My mum was crawling through the children's play tunnel today and he makes constant comments about how shell get stuck, and how it must be Stretchy. She laughs at him which encourages him.

Shes a healthy ssize 12.

I think they both exercise too much and eat too little. That's their life so it's up to them within reason

Today the fete thing was a 2 mile drive away and he wanted us to walk. They normally would bur it's not easy with 2 little ones who won't walk, nor sit in pushchairs that far.

It hides a lot of insecurities because he was abandoned by his own mum and dad as a baby so I don't want to upset him myself. I just font want dd and ds to bevindluenced

I'd lay down some very clear boundaries about personal remarks.

Jokes about tubs and bellies and thunderthighs when I was a kid (and a NORMAL size!) gave me misery and a bit of a complex in my teen years.

So say: Dad, I love you but I don't like you making remarks about my weight, DH's weight, or my children's weight. It's rude and it's hurtful and it's unnecessary. Please don't do it again, I don't want to hear it.

And then every time he does it, either (1) make a remark that he will find hurtful (EG bald, chicken legs, hairy ears, whatever) and laugh for aaaaaaages about it, then ask why he can't take a joke or (2) say "I don't want you to make observations about my weight or the weight of anyone in my family and leave.

I'm serious. Draw this boundary NOW, and make it a big, clear line, and enforce, enforce, enforce.

I had to do something similar with my parents, who love me, and whom I love - and when they realised that they actually stood to lose their good relationship with me and their grandchildren, they stopped.
I did have to repeat myself once, and leave once, though. Totally worth it!

My mum and dad are both a little ovweight and a little obsessed. They don't say stuff about me or relatives but if, for instance, we are watching Strictly COme DAncind, my dad will say "shes's a bit hefty". I have started to comment back. Something like: "that's not relevant", or "she's a size 12". I make sure I talks to my sons about shape and weight, and about making personal comments, to counteract those messages.

Basically, he's being a bully about this. And yes, I'm sure it's motivated by insecurity - most bullying is - but there's only one way that you'll get him to back down, and that's to make him.

Ask him if he wants to ruin your good relationship, because that's the way he's going. If he loves you and your children, you actually have the upper hand here, because you can say "I don't want my children hearing that" and walk away, over and over until he stops.

Yes, I've also said please don't say that in front of my children

I'd say it if I were you... Doesn't come well from in laws. He's obviously set in his ways and he will probably think you are ridiculous but I would still say it. Or you could say, well grandad is too skinny and needs some meat on his bones :)

He's a born again thin person, with all the evangelical zeal of the convert. But you need to tell him he's being rude, upsetting people and engendering an unhealthy relationship with food in his grandchildren.

Ask him how he'll feel if one them becomes anorexic, and it stems from one of his thoughtless remarks?

I've had this with my DB, who is himself a bit hefty, he complains about our great uncle mentioning his weight every time he sees him, and then greets my DS with "oooooh look at you aren't you a big boy", and then tries to lift him and says "ooooh you're so fat!"

I was literally speechless the first time he said it, as I couldn't believe he was so hypocritical, but the second time I quietly took him to one side so that DS didn't hear and pointed out that DS is already concerned about being fat (he is NOT!) and that remarks like that don't help. If he says it again next time I will call him up on it again and again until he sees that it is not acceptable or if that fails, avoid him

I had it from my grandparents as a child (oh doesn't she look lovely, she only needs to lose a few pounds) and it really impacted on my self-esteem,so stop it as soon as you can for all your sakes.

Ok

I am confident that I can say it about the children

I might ask my mum how she feels about it but she's very chilled, I'm already the neurotic one in this family (!!) so an sure she will ask mento leave it

I dont mind the comments to me because I am comfortable in myself now I'm older

I will ask him not to say the things to our children, and say that lots of other people may also be upset about it. He might stop to think about comments to other people

We are a teasing family so ibdo naturally retort re him being bald and skinny ;) he laughs and from what iveemember, he encouraged it. I think weight excess is more sensitive