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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

When separating, has anyone else suddenly realised this?

37 replies

keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 17:16

STBXH has gone away for work. He does this about twice a year for a few days.
He is due back wednesday and due to move out on friday.
The thing is I have suddenly realised what I have given up for him/he has taken away from me! Not sure which one it is!
I hardly have a relationship with my family and I have no friends!Sad The only adult I have spoken to in the last 2 days was the woman behind the check out in ASDA yesterday morning!
I am terrified I am going to crumble when he comes back.
How am I going to do this for 6 weeks in the summer? I don't work but do volunteer during term time, so fine then. I can't even just take the DC to the park or something, with ds3's asd he just can't cope with parks and places like that when they are busy!
Everyone I know, is through the ds's, and are all in the sn community so to speak, but they all have other friends and DH's. We only tend to get together for support during term time.

OP posts:
Corgito · 04/06/2012 17:31

When you don't have a partner either holding you back or being your all-purpose companion, you make far more of an effort to be sociable and make new friends. If you can't get out so easily, invite people to your home. Book babysitters to look after the children (from your SN community, if necessary) and go out occasionally... it's not a sin. Don't stay in an unhappy relationship just because you think you'll be lonely if you get out of it.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 17:51

I wish it was that easy. I know it is not a sin to go out, but to where with who. Even if I could get a baby sitter, which I can!

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 04/06/2012 18:16

Do the sn mums know that you're splitting up? I'm sure some of them would be happy to arrange to meet up during the holidays. Are there any sn holiday activities going on? You could check your local NAS branch, even see about volunteering for them. It takes time but take some baby steps now and you'll soon be so glad you've got your old life back Smile

BertieBotts · 04/06/2012 18:19

You could do an evening class, or get in touch with old friends and see if they want to go out?

SleepingDogz · 04/06/2012 18:22

my husband works away a lot of the time so in effect i brought my children up single handedly, away from any family

you cope, you have to. i used to make sure i took the children out every day or else i would not speak to anyone at all.

you will manage, you have no alternative

startlife · 04/06/2012 19:33

I can relate to this - when you a couple people make assumptions about the support you get from a partner so I don't think friends/family are around for you as much. That will change however when you are single so in a period of time your life will start to fill up with family & friends. It will be baby steps however, maybe start with one small step this week where you could meet new people. Maybe it's neighbours, an exercise class, a mum from school.

I do think however your thoughts are valid "given up for him or has he taken away"...when you are in a relationship that isn't supportive your life does close in. A supportive relationship encourages you to flourish.

A friend recently separated from her H (due to his affair) and she told everyone and she has had lots of lots of support as a result. Don't be afraid to talk to people. Good Luck

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 19:52

You should try to do something for yourself. I know it's hard when you're needed at home but even an evening course could help. You need to try to remember why he is your ex. Do you have any interests you would love to pursue?

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 19:54

Also, I would think of it as you have given things up for him, it was your decision and getting them back is your decision too. You can improve your situation.

Teaandcakeplease · 04/06/2012 20:00

I wasn't even sure who I was on divorce. I had to find the new Teaandcake. Be kind to yourself at this time. You will adjust over time to the new circumstances and you will make new friends. It does get easier. Can you attend things at the local Surestart centre and make friends there or local toddler groups?

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 20:04

Thanks Start. I know a lot of it was him taking away, from the start he was very negative about my friends so I drifted away from them, then he started on my family. He has never encouraged me with anything I have done, in fact quite the opposite. The other thing is that he has told everyone that it is all my fault, that I have stolen from him and our disabled children, when in fact I used some savings to pay for the house hold as he has never provided financially!
He has always been controlling, self centred, jealous and negative towards me.
Going out with my dc isn't that easy, ds1(20) has left home, ds2 has adhd and ds3 has severe asd and learning difficulties which makes a day out a major operation, there is no way we could even just go out to the shops as ds3 can't cope with crowds, noise or strange smells. There is nothing on during the holidays and we don't have a local NAS, as I said before everything is term time only. I will get about 7 days of playscheme during the summer holidays for each of the younger 2 but have no idea if that will even be on the same day just once during the 6 weeks.
What I do know is that H won't be having any access that is away from my house as he is moving in with his dad and brother (dad is 80 and a heavy drinker, brother is an ex drug addict) and the house is dangerous and a dump! I know it is all about getting at me. He is trying to control me from afar! He has refused to get a place of his own as he says he can't afford it, which I know is rubbish, he just wants to be able to spend his money on himself as he always has done, he has also told me he won't be paying regular support for the same reason. No point in speaking to CSA as he is self employed and his official books say he only earned 3.5k last year Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 20:07

I know I need to do things to get back what I had, but it is just hard to see the wood for the trees at the moment. He has worn me down so much, and then having 2 sn dc has made me drift even further from the old me.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 04/06/2012 20:08

Sounds like a classic abuser, overtime ensuring you loose contact with your support network. You are well rid but it is incredibly hard to begin with. Have you spoken to Womens Aid at all?

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 20:08

It will come back, you just need to steal some time for you, if you can.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 20:09

I did have the next few years planned. I was going to do a level 3 NVQ with the place I volunteer (they are paying) then apply for a part time degree next September, only problem is they have stopped doing the degree I wanted and there doesn't seem to be anything similar Sad

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 04/06/2012 20:10

Oh and I cannot recommend counselling and anti depressants enough. I didn't think I needed ADs and struggled on for a whole year on my own before seeing my GP and breaking down in tears. Do speak to your GP if you think you need a little help. Even just a course of sleeping pills or to be referred for counselling. Both of those were absolute life savers for me.

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 20:11

What was the degree?

redrubyshoes · 04/06/2012 20:19

It was only after we separated that I realised what an anti-social tosser ExH was. That is why I never saw anyone.

Look after your friends and see them alone so you can talk about everything and anything and not have to sit there thinking "I can't talk about baby poo/my periods are bad/I don't feel like sex because I have just squeezed a nine pounder out and it bloody hurt etc etc.

Look after your friends because if you keep in touch with them then hopefully they will keep in touch with you and keep you sane during the bad times.

Compartmentalise the problems and have a 'box' to keep each one in and deal with each one as and when necessary.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 20:24

I have been refused counselling as they said I didn't have proper depression, my problems where down to my life so could not be changed. I can't take AD's they jsut make me numb, I have started to take some natural 5HTP which is helping.
The degree was called Supporting Families in the community, it was similar to social work but focused on the family and children, it had modules on special needs and learning difficulties.
The place I volunteer at does just that and I love it, I don't want to be a social worker more of a family support worker. The NVQ is in health and social care. I have just found this though, I don't know a lot about degrees so not sure if it is the right thing IYSWIM.

OP posts:
Teaandcakeplease · 04/06/2012 20:36

I paid privately for my counselling. As I was on income support I paid £5 per session.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 20:41

Where did you get that tea, I have been quoted £45 a session. I was told it was that or someone I work with, which as you can imagine is not an option!

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 20:44

Try calling OU. They have advisors that can help you find the right course and it can work around your family.

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 20:45

Also, if you start a course before sept, it's on the old fee structure which is much cheaper.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 04/06/2012 20:58

electric thank you, the OU have the degree Grin health and social care-families and childrens pathway! I just need to get a formal assessment of my dyslexia and I can apply, that has so cheered me up, hadn't even thought of OU!

OP posts:
EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 21:01

Fwiw, I too have a ds with SN and the OU has really helped me find myself again :)

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 21:02

Make sure you start somthing before sept, even if not a course you want, so much cheaper! Call them :)

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