SAHM - How much does your partner help out?

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I am in the process of separating from my DP. We have a 20month old dd.
Part of my leaving him is that I am totally and utterly full of resentment towards him as all he does is work (he is self-employed) and does nothing with dd and acts as if it's just my job to look after her and the house. He says he adores dd but for me actions speak louder than words and the fact that he hardly spends any real time with her and puts work before her really hurts me as her mother. She is amazing and he is missing out so much. I have tried to make him understand this many times, but to no avail. He just puts all his focus on work and uses it as an excuse. (he nows earn quite a lot of money btw).

This is a standard day (this includes weekends): -
I get up with dd, read her stories in bed before breakfast then make her breakfast. DP pops in the kitchen, makes himself a cup of tea, kisses her then gets ready for work. Says goodbye.
He comes back from work at 6.15pmish, spends 10-15 mins with dd and then I bath her, he kisses her goodnight, I read to her and put her to bed. I then cook tea, he usually spends time on his laptop.

It is the same routine at the weekend.

I cook, clean, food shop,do the laundry, iron and look after dd pretty much 99.9% of the time. He used to cook before we had a baby, all the time, he used to clean lots before we had a baby (he has mild OCD), since we had the baby he does NOTHING except concentrate on his business.I used to do voluntary work at the weekend for a few hours before dd was born, but he just tells me he's going to work so I can't do that now. I always end up backing down. He gets to do whatever he pleases, as if life for him is as it was before dd came along.

I have spoken to many other Mums (some of whom have self-employed partners) and they can't believe he spends no real time with dd or does nothing to help me with her or help me generally of even realise that SAHM need a few hours to themselves as we get no break at all from our children.

I just wondered what other SAHM(or SAHD) experiences are. I can honestly say for the most part of dd's short life, I have felt like a single parent (apart from the financial apsect, I have brought her up all by myself).

Well my DH works very long hours and I do pretty much all the domestic stuff. He does look after/do stuff with the dc's at the weekend though although he does do quite a bit of exercise so that eats into his 'family time' but I think its important for his health/stress levels to do this.

But I do have a cleaner and my eldest is nearly 8 so we've sorted out what works best for us over the years and I don't resent the hours he works - and he knows that because I do the domestic stuff it facilitates him building his business.

Is he really working 7 days a week because thats not much fun for him or of course for you.

I think though that comparing your relationship to others is always difficult and its best to just decide what you need/want and work together to both achieve that. So you both get time to do your own stuff/relax etc.

Am not surprised you're separating
He is totally disengaged from your DD and family life in general

I am just wondering why some people (like me and others I know), feel or would feel totally resentful with the DP working all of the time/not spending any time with his child and expecting the stay at home parent to do everything, his only focus being on work and not on parenting and helping his partner?

You sound totally fine with your set up Mrs Campbell, yet it sounds like you do everything. How come you feel fine with it? Do you get any time for you? Do you get to see your DH play with your child? Family time? Doesn't it bother you that work comes before parenting/family?

Yep, he really works 7 days a week. He quite readily takes time off work when he wants to play golf once a month yet doesn't understand why I am so pissed off at him that he won't take time off work to spend time with his daughter being a parent. He seems to feel that Dad's role is just bringing in the money and if I complain then I get the fact that he's the only one workiing shoved in my face.

If I didnt' do everything in the home/look after dd 24/7 then his business wouldn't be as successful as it is now as he wouldn't have had the hours to put in.

rubyslippers -thank you for your comment, that is EXACTLY how it appears to me. His only focus is on making his business a success and sod the rest of us.

the secondcoming - Yes, of course I have been prepared to cut him some slack, I am totally aware that his is the sole earner (yes we did discuss this prior to baby)...however, there has to be balance surely? I don't expect him to do the washing/ironing/foodshopping/cleaning etc however, I do expect him to share the cooking (like he used to), I definitely expect him to spend proper time with dd and to realise that being a SAHM you get no time at all to yourself. He is basically putting his own needs over anything else? His work needs. He is a workaholic. As I say, he can make time in his schedule when it's something for him, but not something for me (giving me a break) or just taking the avo off to play with dd. I just can't quite fathom it at all.

My weekdays are pretty much like yours, although if DH is home in time for bedtime he puts one DD to bed while I put the other to bed.

I do most of the shopping, cleaning, laundry etc etc.

At the weekends we take it in turn to give each other a lie in and any duties relating to the DD's will be split down the middle so, e.g. whoever makes lunch the other will make tea.

DH does more cooking than me, and whoever doesn't cook clears up and cleans the kitchen afterwards.

It's a bit of an ongoing thing to make sure DH is involved and pulling his weight tbh, though he is ok now I (hand on heart) don't think DH gets a lots out of the DD's at the age they are (nearly 4 and nearly 2) as they are hard work for him.

Re: exercise - the rule in our house is that either of us can go to the gym while the other looks after the DD's as long as it is convenient. In practice this means we both go 3 x a week. SOmetimes DH will put both the DDs to bed while I go to the gym, sometimes they will already be in bed.

If I was living like you are I would be really unhappy with the situation

Well I think sometimes if your partner has a demanding job/career then one person has to pick up the slack. I could work but then we'd need a nanny etc and I'd rather be the one at home. And you know - with my DH working hard - well it pays for the life we have.

But I know I get more time off than he does or at least more time to see friends etc but my dc's are 7, 4 and 2 and by September I'll have 2 whole days to myself when the youngest starts pre-school.

My DH does look at us as a partnership though and he knows if I wasn't doing all the domestic stuff his business would have suffered.

I know my life wouldn't be for everyone though but that's what I mean about you have to work together to find a solutions that works for both of you.

And I do remember feeling resentful when my dc's were younger as I had no family nearby and it was very hard work.

If you could get some time to yourself perhaps in the week - would that help? Does your DD go to nursery or anything?

I would have thought though that your DH could spend a couple of hours each weekend with your DD - perhaps take her swimming or something so you get some time to yourself.

Do you get time together either to go out for dinner etc? Because I've found that to be pretty important to keep our relationship on the right track.

Mrs Campbell - I think it's more about attitude. I find the fact that he doesn't seem to WANT to spend time with dd very upsetting. And the fact that he thinks his needs are more important makes me very resentful. At least your DH realises that if you weren't looking after the kids/domestic all of the time then his business wouldn't be so successful.

For me it's not about getting time to myself (although that would be lovely).I would feel this way even if dd went to nursery. It's about my soon to be ex partner's attitude to me and our dd. Like we don't really matter. He likes to think he's a family man, yet he is not hands on at all with dd, he is to all consumed with his work. He doesn't like me doing things for myself. For me, that is totally wrong. For me it's putting money/work before love/family.

My DH works ridiculous hours

Is rarely home for bath and bed but when he can he does everything to be home

Weekends he is hands on and very involved with the kids

Yes - if he appreciated what you did and wanted to spend time with you but couldn't because of work - well I guess you'd feel more kindly towards him.

Does he know that its crunch time?

So yes OP, it's about intent and action

Anyone can say they're a family man ...

You have to be an active part of that dynamic

mrs campbell - I would have thought though that your DH could spend a couple of hours each weekend with your DD - perhaps take her swimming or something so you get some time to yourself.* - Oh, how normal that all sounds. Just like all my other friend's partners do. Just normal being a Dad type stuff. Nope. Nothing like that happens. When he spends a the odd few hours with her (maybe once a month) he is sweet with her, but he doesn't take her anywhere. Just stays in the house.

No, we haven't been out since she was born. To be fair, he asked a few times, but by that point I was so utterly resentful that I didnt' want to spend time with him. And now here we are, splitting up because things won't ever change.

He tells me I'm "taking his daughter away" from him, yet doesn't realise that actually he has barely spent any time with her since she was born.

My DH owns a company so his work is basically endless and he could work 24hrs a day if he wanted to without running out of stuff to do.

I'm a SAHM and I obviously do the lion's share during the week. I do most of the cooking, all the cleaning, laundry, etc. We have a cleaner so I can slack off if I'm ill/sick of it and we know we'll be rescued from our own filth at least once a fortnight! That definitely took some weight off me. My DH isn't here in the evenings but he will let me have a lie-in as needed and will do breakfasts, etc, with the kids in the mornings. On weekends, he will often take the kids out so I can study (OU) and will do bits of cooking or baking, come food shopping, etc.

You don't seem to be very assertive at getting your own time. I always try to go out on a Sat, either daytime shopping with friends or an evening out. It's not a question of asking, I just inform DH that it's happening and, assuming he has no plans himself, it's a given that I'll be out and he'll be here with the kids. And vice versa, of course. What would happen if you just told him "I'm out tomorrow night. You're watching DD."

x-post. Obviously, if you're splitting up it's a bit more serious than division of labour!

I'll tell you what though - my father and us kids used to have a shit relationship when we all lived in the same house. My parents divorced when we were teens and I think he realised what he was missing once he was living seperately. We have a better relationship living in different countries than we ever did under the same roof. Splitting up may make him step up to the plate

ruby - yes, it is about intent and action. Actions speak louder than words. And he's not an active father at all. He thinks working is being an active father. I say I'd rather have less money and a hands on Dad/ supportive partner than what we do have. If he worked hard all week, like your DP, but come the weekend wanted to do stuff with dd/take her places/spend proper time with her/support me a bit with either giving me a few hours away from dd or cooking a meal or something, well, that would make the fact that he worked long hours/evenings in the weekdays fine. But it's not like that.

mrscampbell - oh yes, he knows it's crunchtime. In fact, I move out in a few weeks time. Even when crunchtime arrived, it didn't seem to awaken him to what was going on. Just said that I didn't understand as I am not the one working. Just went on about himself and work (as always). It's almost like me and dd don't exist.

Fatherhood is not just about being a financial provider

Both my children adore DH / they miss him dreadfully when he's not around

Sounds like your DD and you won't notice much of a difference

SquittenYou don't seem to be very assertive at getting your own time. I always try to go out on a Sat, either daytime shopping with friends or an evening out. It's not a question of asking, I just inform DH that it's happening and, assuming he has no plans himself, it's a given that I'll be out and he'll be here with the kids. And vice versa, of course. What would happen if you just told him "I'm out tomorrow night. You're watching DD

I have tried just informing DP - doesn't get me anywhere.I used to ask him, you know, check his plans etc....the response "I'm working". So someone suggested I be more assertive and not give him an option, just inform him, as you suggested. Absolutely hates it. The response "i'm working, tough, I shall leave at 9.30am and be back at 6pm and that's that" (this is at the weekend by the way).

If it's the evening, then it's ok. But at the weekend, no way.

You are not thinking strategically, Single, you are reacting.
Now: stop, calm down and start thinking.

1. DP is consumed by work and is starting to make a lot of money.
2. You are SAHM.
3. Leaving in a bout of self-righteous dudgeon feels good, but it isn't smart. So:
4. Jump up and down, scream and shout about how much he doens't love you.
5. Insist he shows it by getting married.
6. Get married. By every means possible.
7. THEN negotiate.

Do you understand? Stay calm, play the long game.

I am a SAHM and have been for 7 1/2 years, my two boys are now 9 and 6.

DH works full time (self employed) but is very hands on and has been since day 1. I breastfed, so woke Dh in the middle of the night when ds1 had fed, he would take over and change him etc. This was despite working as he wanted to be part of that.

Takes time out of his day to attend sports days and parents evenings, just works a bit longer in the evening or takes a morning off. Not for assemblies though as they are every 3 weeks but will make the occasional one.

Evenings, Dh tries to make it back to eat dinner with us, helps bath the boys or with the shower for Ds1, helps put them to bed, makes us dinner if he hasn't made it back in time.

Weekends, totally hands on again, we all go swimming, boys also do a team activity and we have a lovely coffee together.

My own Dad was totally hands on as my Mum worked a twilight shift, Dh his Mum was a SAHM and his Dad did nothing but that worked for them.

It is about attitude, Dh is a huge part of our son's lives, doesn't have to ask me things like what food to make them or what time to put them to bed etc because he knows.

I do think that when children are very young some parents do struggle to know what to do with a child if they aren't the main carer. But this can be solved with the non-main carer spending time with the child, you learn on the job so to speak.

Very sad to hear you are separating though is it beyond repair?

so ramp it down, lower the tone, tell him you are leaving for a bit to think things through (as opposed to leaving for ever).

Get in touch after a week or so, and start to negotiate.

Well to be fair he doesn't sound like he's being very nice at all - does he have any redeeming features?

You mentioned previously he has mild OCD Is it possible that he is channelling his energy into working to provide for his DD?

MrsCB speaks good sense when she says you have to find what works for you. Comparing yourself to others and/or playing games will only leave you feeling more disappointed. about the advice to get married in this instance.

On the finding time for yourself, is there anyway you can get a babysitter, rather than rely on your partner?

How does he actually feel about your separation?

chocogirl- I have been wondering where he has been channelling his OCD (as it used to be cleaning), and I have asked myself if he's transferred it to working. I doubt he would think that though and I don't like to bring it up.
And I agree, game playing is totally wrong and not something I'm interested in one little bit. I hate all that stuff. I don't really have anyone to babysit. And as I said, the problem isn't me not having time for me, it's about his attitude to being a father and a partner.

Fizzy - You sound like you have a great set up. Yes, your partner works very hard but still finds some balance to be a good hands on Dad and a partner to you.

NannyOgg -Re separating. I have told him how I feel many many times since DD was born, asked for counselling, he won't go. None of this has come out of the blue. Although I've told him how I feel about his attitude to me and dd , things haven't changed. We just simply cannot see eye to eye at all on this subject.

What someone said earlier is right, there is no point in comparing with others, it's abotu what you feel you want/need. And I am not getting what I feel that I need for me and DD.

I guess I just wanted to hear of other people's stories about how their set up works as a SAHM with a working partner. I don't feel I am being unrealistic in my needs, but I wanted to see if perhaps I have in fact been expecting too much...see other sides etc.