inlaws driving me up the wall... coping strategies...?

[thejoanwilder]

Inlaws are currently 10 days through a 2 and a half week stay with us. They are driving me absolutely crazy, and I worry I am not handling it very well. We have a 12wo dd (their first gc, if that makes any difference...)
My biggest problem is that they are so relentlessly negative about everything. They are also judgemental, FIL is a bully and MIL is just a total misery. I am finding it completely exhausting to deal with them. Please can you all give me your failsafe coping strategies.... please?!?!

Can you arrange some days out for them? Would they like to go to the cinema one evening?

Can you feign illness/ exhaustion and stay in bed as long as you can and leave DH to deal with them? Not for the rest of the visit if course but as much as you can get away with. You're half way there and then hopefully you wont see them for quite a while.

If it really is terrible then you and / or your DH need to say something I think. I don't doubt you're upset by them, but could it be that with a new baby you're not feeling yourself either?

Assuming you do just have annoying ILs then I sympathise!

I put up with awful visits of MIL for ages - the longest one months not weeks due to illness of one of her relatives. I used to just put up with her, or say I was tired or ill but eventually came to the conclusion that it wasn't fair that I should be hiding in my own home...

It helps that my DH is more than willing to tell her what he thinks now. We had a couple of good visits after we talked it over (after a very long sulk on her part), then she started being difficult so now she stays somewhere else when she visits.

Yours may be excited to have a first Gc but that isn't a reason to make you miserable.

Hotel?

You invited in-laws to stay when your baby was just 10wo?.... Was that foisted on you or voluntary? In your shoes I would make full use of the 'baby keeping me up all night, terribly tired and grumpy' aspect to tell them a few home truths. They can't have a go back at a new mother and if they think there's a danger of not seeing first DGC again for a while they'll sharpen their act up.

2 and a half WEEKS????!!!! What were you THINKING of, agreeing to this? Do they live abroad?

You have my sympathy, OP! My PILs sound a bit like yours - I'd go mad if I had them to stay for 2 and a half weeks!

Focus on you and the baby. Ignore any annoying comments - let it all wash over you. Any chance they could make themselves useful by looking after DD for an hour or two while you have a nap or get out of the house for a coffee?

Why should it 'wash over'? It's the OP's house and they are being particularly bad house-guests at a time when she's under stress. She's quite at liberty to be assertive ... even better if her partner (their son presumably) joins in.

No, we live abroad. They gave us 5 days notice of their visit, which kind of set the tone. DH has had words about things, but it is always 'they don't mean it to upset you'.
Yes, with a 12wo I am almost certainly operating on a slightly shorter fuse than usual. Even though she's a pretty easygoing baby, there are still night wakings etc. And then they spend all day watching me juggling dd plus housework and trying to have something to eat or drink myself whilst helpfully pointing out I must never get any time to myself to finish a coffee or anything like that. Well, give me a hand then, instead of staring at your frigging ipad while your gd is howling in her bouncy chair because i am trying to do laundry or some other task i need both hands for.
They are currently away on a road trip- back tomorrow, but I am already dreading it.
Hotel is tempting (for me :) ).
I guess deep breaths and a mental countdown until they leave...

Ah... they see your location as a holiday?

'Give me a hand' is a perfectly reasonable thing to say to guests - especially family. I'm a singleton with a child and, if family come to stay, they know they'll be given something to do. 'Make yourself useful'.... is another good one. When they get back from their road trip have enough chores lined up that the i-pad doesn't get a look in. Potatoes need peeling. Ironing doesn't do itself. How about the garden? Busy guests are happy guests.

Honesty I think. Just say or ask DH to ask if they would they please give you space regarding the decisions you make about your DD, and only give advice when invited to. Say that nothing you do will harm your DD and you find learning by success and failure of your own decisions more constructive than raising DD in a reactionary way according to advice proffered from various sources.

Then play the hormone card and say their seemingly negative view of everything is upsetting you a lot.

If they don't pick up that continuing in this vein may mean restrictions on the amount they see DGC then get DH to spell it out. You need his support in this so make him aware of your plans. You need your sanity!

give them specific jobs to do - a list if necessary. Then be all grateful so that they do more
they'll like feeling useful, you'll get a bit of rest, and it sets the tone for future visits

Agree with sarahseashell. Give them specific things to do 'Could you just do xyz while I do abc, thanks!'. Said with a big smile.

OP I feel for you, I had the same when DD was tiny , my parents then the in laws came to stay when DD was a week or two old - we had no choice at the time but never again. I was better off as they would (well, the women at least) do jobs to help, although MIL boil washed everything and shrunk all my clothes - I hd a C sect though, so they really had to, but my god they did my head in. I actually became unhinged just having them there.

Why not ask them to take baby out for a walk, so you can sleep or shower? Although mine did that and I hated every minute when she was gone. Surely they cant be thick skinned, if you said 'it would be brilliant if I just had someone to help with washing up/hoovering/washing whilst I sleep/feed baby/shower/dress/eat chocolate...

Just tell them - honestly, they might have gone away or be being distant because they don't want to step on your toes, or get involved if you don't want them to, or maybe they just feel unsure around a little baby? My MIL does, she just had no idea what to do, felt like she would break her I think. Mind you, she isn't much better now with a toddler...

Honestly is best, if you are a bitch to them then just blame it on hormones or tiredness, it really is important you sort it out though, as trust me the situation won't get better on it's own...

Sorry, meant to say, you don't sound like a bitch at all, quite the opposite, very reasonable! Just meant if they think you are being rude - it really doesn't matter - you and baby and DH are what is important, those early days you can feel so unsure and it can be aa lovely time if you have the right support.

And they live away from you, which can only be a good thing, mine do, and don't fly either, it is bloody brilliant!

Ooh I feel for you. My ILs came to stay for a few days when DD was a week or so old. They are really nice people but I didn't need it all the time.

I ended up being really bossy. "Right, FIL, can you clear the dishwasher while MIL chops some vege for dinner?" They just meekly did it! I must've looked like I meant business.

Can you take yourself and the baby out to a friend's for a few hours?

right,

1. stop doing housework
2. stop making food/drinks for them.
3. tell them if they want food/drinks, they have to make their own and offer to make something for you too.
4. if you can't do this without feeling guilty, then you can make a big deal of having to look after the baby - "oh, could you please make me a cup of tea while IO feed the baby?" or "could you please make me a quick sandwich while I do such-and-such with the baby?" or "MIL, look in the fridge, there's a such-and-such I bought for lunch, would you please get started on making it, so that we can eat at 1pm?" etc. make it sound like you're obviously asking nicely, but that you expect it to be done. good practice for when your DD is an older child