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Relationships

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Can someone explain to me how your feelings are different from falling in love single or when married?.

17 replies

truthisoutthere · 04/06/2012 11:38

I only ask as it's the MN mantra that if you think you are falling in love when you are married (to someone not your spouse) then it is decided to be a fantasy.

What is it if you are single and dating?

Does anyone not the psych/ counsellor response?

OP posts:
maleview70 · 04/06/2012 11:43

For men I would say its falling in lust when single that can then lead to falling in love. With most married men I would say its falling in lust and staying in lust until bored/caught. The odd one will go on to fall in love and leave their wife/Dp for the OW but most don't as statistics show.

Helltotheno · 04/06/2012 12:31

Because when you're married to/living with someone and you reckon that you've fallen in love with someone else, you have to take into the account the added frisson of doing something on the sly that nobody knows about, which would certainly add to the sex experience. Also you have to take into account that you could well be acting on a 'grass is greener' type motivation which fuels your feelings of 'being in love' with someone else, when in fact if you were shacked up with the new person for a while, the sound of their farts in the morning etc would get old pretty quickly too.

The best chance of being able to define a relationship is to be with someone who's unattached and for everything to be out in the open and everyone to know you're with that person.

In saying all that, sometimes it really is possible to fall in love with someone when you're with someone else... it's just that the road of finding out whether it really is love is long and rocky.

truthisoutthere · 04/06/2012 15:03

Hell, the grass is greener/ frisson can accentuate it but what is different emotionally to the feelings. you know, the commeraderie and connection. When you first meet someone,even when single you don't really know them but can still fall for them and that's celebrated for the fun it is. Is it only circumstances that make it real or not?

OP posts:
Corgito · 04/06/2012 15:09

It's all 'real'. There's no single definition of love. People can feel attracted for all kinds of reasons and to very different people. We're all capable of caring about multiple people. The only differences are self-imposed or societally imposed ideas of morality, self-restraint etc.. Doesn't affect 'reality'.

springydaffs · 04/06/2012 16:04

I suppose that technically it is the same, at least at base level. However, when you're in a relationship and that first frisson with someone other than your partner shoots across your bows (or wherever...) you know to step away so that the thing doesn't blossom.

I do hate it when people say, wide-eyed, 'it just happened'

Some tiresome people can't resist that frisson with added forbidden fruit though. (if their relationship is shit then get out with dignity for both before taking someone up on their frisson)

ime - not that you asked - men who take a shot at someone who is in a relationship aren't usually serious, except about getting into her knickers.

Corgito · 04/06/2012 16:14

Of course often the decider is 'timing'. You meet the right person the day before getting married and it's a romantic Julia Roberts bride runs from the altar moment. Meet the right person day after getting married and you're meant to say 'bad luck mate, too late'.

BertieBotts · 04/06/2012 16:15

I don't really get the frission argument because to me doing something in secret is just about the most stressful thing I can imagine! Maybe I'm weird though...

I suppose, about the falling in love thing. If you're talking strictly about attitudes on MN, the consensus generally (as much as there can be one) is that you can't be "in love" until you've been with someone a decent amount of time and have made some level of commitment to them. So by definition, if you're still married and not separated or anything you can't really be in love with someone else.

oikopolis · 04/06/2012 16:37

there is no such thing as "falling in love". it's not some cosmic thing.

there is attraction, and then there is attachment. you can't choose whether you're attracted or not, that's involuntary and happens whether you're single or not. but you can choose whether to pursue the attraction to the extent that you form an attachment.

(btw the attachment can be healthy or unhealthy. the fact that you are attached doesn't mean you should be attached/that it's a good idea to be/that it's "meant to be". you can be attracted and/or attached to a complete knobber, as many MN threads will indicate)

when you are married or involved, the idea is to see the attraction for what it is and involuntary, hormonal, almost animal-like sort of thing and avoid feeding it with behaviours like talking to the person, flirting, trying to be near the person, etc.

when you are single, of course you're free to pursue the attraction, and therefore to form an attachment if you so wish.

it's not magic. people are not "meant to be together", and therefore when you have feelings for someone, it doesn't mean you're meant to pursue them.

we're conscious animals, we're responsible for actually thinking about our emotions/attractions before deciding on how to respond to them.

Dprince · 04/06/2012 17:13

The difference is when you are single you don't have other people that you have made a commitment to, to consider. When your single you can follow you heart/pants where ever you want with potentially destroying some else.

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 04/06/2012 17:16

Most people leave their spouse for the "other person" because they get found out, so the only route left to them is to declare themselves in love and get on with it. It's lust in the vast majority of cases, made more exciting because people love having a secret, and the sneaking around is fun and adds spice to the whole thing.

springydaffs · 04/06/2012 19:04

..romantic ... bride runs from the altar moment

is that romantic?? not to me it isn't. kind of reneging on a commitment I would've thought.

yellowraincoat · 04/06/2012 19:13

Anyone who says anything like "I couldn't help it, we were in love" is a knob who needs to grow up. You CAN help it.

Back2Two · 04/06/2012 19:31

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

truthisoutthere · 05/06/2012 09:27

Thanks all. I like Oiks explanation of attraction and attachment! It would be really helpful to people in the 'should i shouldn't I threads' rather than a rather bossy 'grow up' which is so popular. If people actually understand what they are going through they might not be 'oh, we simply cannot help ourselves'.

Also, very un MN but i think very few people finish their first relationship before meeting someone else and I understand why. As people we are selfish and why rock to boat to be lonely/ possibly poor/ single parent. They probably figure the other person shouldn't be made to feel utterly miserable until there is a reason. I'm not sure i'd want my husband to just leave me, i'd want a solid reason. A 'because it's the honorable thing to do' wouldn't cut it with me in terms of commitment but if there was an OW i would understand why more, i think.

OP posts:
Tollysfolly · 05/06/2012 10:21

truth is out there.... my housework has suffered for the past 6 years thanks to mn!!!! lol
I have found this thread invaluable... the person I thought I loved I was with for 12 years (2dc together) till we split. (due to his affair) and now I've met someone new three year after split and the feelings I have for him do not compare with what I feel for exdp; making me doubt I ever actually loved exdp.

is falling in love different when your younger (early 20's) to when your older ? (mid 30's)

maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 05/06/2012 10:29

I think it's just a very individual thing, but I agree that timing is the thing

There are certainly people who cheat and use the 'couldn't help myself, we fell in love' thing as an excuse when all they really wanted was the sex/excitement, but I also think sometimes people are with a partner and then fall in love with someone much better suited to them, we have some friends who had an affair and left their respective spouses to be together, they have a long and blissfully happy marriage, so who knows? I think only the people involved know if it's real or not

whereabouts · 05/06/2012 10:54

well, i think anytime you fall in love it is a lot about projection and fantasy and ideally it should be in the power of the person falling to decide whether to follow these feelings or not.

And when you are single there is way less holding you back to go for it, unless all your friends warn you about the guy or there are other red flags and the person falling is still grounded enough to notice those.

I haven't heeded this advice myself, but I would teach my daughters to also use their head, not only their heart.

good luck to you!! sounds like you have an exciting time ahead of you.

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