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Relationships

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Original poster

DH cannot/doesn't want intimacy

19 replies

JosMorgan · 04/06/2012 08:50

I'm desperate to save my marriage, but I'm only human.

DH is unable to have any form of intimate relationship with me. We do have 2 young boys, but that was soooo difficult to achieve. We are the best of friends, we work well together in every part of our marriage, apart from this way. Its not a marriage, its no different to a brilliant friendship. At 43 do I really have to never have any form of intimacy with the man I love, or anyone for that matter?

We have been together for 13 years, and I can pinpoint the moment I knew this was gong to be a HUGE problem for the rest of our lives. When he told me, we were both 30yrs, that he had only had sex with 1 other lady, it was a sort of long term relationship - couple of yrs I think, and that they had only had sex a couple of times. That was the moment I knew, but I adored him, so I wrapped it up in a box and put it in a v dark place in my head. By that time in my life I had slept with an average amount of men & experimented a little in that area. Oh, just to add, he had a religious upbringing.

I can count on 1 hand the amount of times DH has approached me for any form of intimacy. He says he has sexual feelings towards me, but cant act on them. He doesn't touch me anywhere at any point with or without clothes on. I have tried pretty, sexy, dirty, well every type of underwear. I have suggested things from the sublime to the ridiculous, e.g. I pay for sex, we pay for a 'professional' to teach him, we go on a sex course (well if I could find one), so on and so on. I am rejected by DH at every turn.

Is he gay, he says not? Well I still question this. Is he ill?

Can anyone help me, please?

OP posts:

purplewithred · 04/06/2012 08:54

This is a job for a professional sex therapist/psychologist, not a prostitute. Surely his attitude is well outside the normal range.

Does he want to change or is he happy? Would he rather you left (or had an affair) than he got some counselling?

Start with Relate or your GP.

Original poster

JosMorgan · 04/06/2012 09:02

We have paid £1000 for therapy, joint and separate. Therapy started when we wanted to start a family, 9 yrs ago. He is currently been having therapy for about 7 months, after we split up for a short time last summer.

OP posts:

datingadviceagain · 04/06/2012 09:05

Oh goodness, how difficult for you.

As far as I'm concerned, unless both parties are happy with a celibate lifestyle, then it is entirely normal, expected, lovely to have a relationship which includes emotional and physical expression of feelings woven through it. That's on a spiritual level. On a purely physical level, sex is a very fullfilling and enjoyable part of life and of being a couple. I think you are going to have to give serious thought to communicating with him that this aspect of your life is as important to you as the emotional love you share and if he doesn't want to seek help to understand why this situation exists, it may lead to the breakdown of your relationship.

If he won't explore solutions, you will have only two choices; compromise your own needs in favour of his (is this love on his part?) or leave the relationship.

Tough decisions for you but as one that also lived in a (almost) non physical marriage, it was destroying to my sexual, physical confidence, ultimately my self esteem and my marriage broke down after a few short years.

What a shame as you seem to have everything else pretty well balanced.

datingadviceagain · 04/06/2012 09:07

Sorry x posted with more information from the OP - I'm a slow typist!

first1 · 04/06/2012 09:07

You say he won't approach you. Does he let you touch him? Bit out there but have you considered he may be asexual? Google it. If he is then that behaviour IS normal for him. But bless you, it's normal to have affection.

PooPooInMyToes · 04/06/2012 09:10

So he has a very low sex drive but also has problem with intimacy? Is that right?

maleview70 · 04/06/2012 09:10

People are what they are generally. I doubt therapy will work in this instance. It is not fair of him to stop you having any intimacy. Personally I am in favour of a third party in these situations when everything else has been explored and preferably a third party who has the same problem with their wife.

Your alternative is either put up with it or leave.

Oogaballoo · 04/06/2012 09:13

I think you need to read about asexuality: www.asexuality.org/home/ You may have already done so. It sounds as if he has a very low sex drive, or may not be interested in sex at all. It's a valid sexuality- I know someone that identifies as this way and has done for his whole life. It's never changed for him and nothing has been able to alter it. I think if this is how your husband has been with both you and his only other sexual partner, and has been this way for most of his life, it is unlikely that he will change. He sounds like he doesn't want to have sex, but did want to have children and a partner and marriage.

From what you say it seems that he was honest about this and upfront about the fact that he had very little interest in sex, but you've found that this is unsustainable for you. I'm sorry :( I don't think you're the first to have found yourself in this position where love seems like enough but over the time the absence of sex has more and more importance. It isn't wrong to want to have a sexual relationship with your partner, but neither is it wrong for him not to want it. It's a very difficult situation.

Kristina2 · 04/06/2012 09:17

I dont know if hes gay or ill. I woudl certainly be thinking the same as you.

I would also wonder if he was abused as a child?

Just a small point of information for you, as youbmentioned his religious unbringing. If that was in the christain faith, the Bible teaches that a husband and wife shoudl not deny one amother sex, unless itz by agrrement for a short period, eg to devote themselves to prayer and fasting. There is a whole book of the bible devoted to the joy of a mutually loving sexual reltionship. So i suspect the religious upbriging bit might be a red herring

Does you Dh want to change? If not, all the therapy in the world wont help him

Im so so sorry

Abitwobblynow · 04/06/2012 09:25

So, he was able to do it for a goal, ie father children?
What was it like then? Did you have to have rules, in the dark, no talking, whatever... how did he manage to perform then?

Original poster

JosMorgan · 04/06/2012 09:47

Purplewithred - he says he wants to change because he knows it will end our marriage if we cannot find a way.

Abitwobblynow - yes he was able to have sex for the goal of having children, even though it was extremely difficult and stressful. Whilst trying sometimes the sex was ok, sometimes not. He can easily get an erection, and wakes up most mornings with one. He does masturbate.

OP posts:

first1 · 04/06/2012 09:48

Asexuality - just read a bit about it. Often these people want a marriage and family just have no sexual feelings.

munchymonster · 04/06/2012 10:04

Does he use porn? Has he in the past?

PeaTarty · 04/06/2012 10:08

I'm in a similar relationship with my husband. I don't want to split. I like spending time with him and he's a good dad but there is a huge part missing .

EclecticShock · 04/06/2012 10:28

If there has been so success so far, it might be better to accept your current circumstances or to leave him. I'm sorry that you are in such a difficult situation. I don't think you can change people though and it has been like this since you met him. I would suggest accepting him and his wishes or leaving him.

Original poster

JosMorgan · 04/06/2012 14:56

Oogaballo, thank you for the link ref. asexuality, its incredible! It totally seems to describe DH. I have been reading it for hours. Thank you so much.

OP posts:

Corgito · 04/06/2012 15:05

He's probably gay. I've known a surprisingly large number of married men with children that have since come out as gay. They don't find women sexually alluring & far prefer men but, for various reasons (religion, traditional expectations, sense of shame), spend years suppressing their real feelings and being miserable in the process. To a man they all feel very guilty towards their exWs who they love (and are still friends with in all but one example) and did everything they could to protect them from the truth.

Sickandsad · 04/06/2012 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dondon33 · 04/06/2012 18:49

I was just thinking that myself Sickandsad. Doesn't quite make sense.
It looks like something much deeper than what he's telling you OP. Surely if he wanted to make it happen then he could....you said he can get an erection easily, so no probs there. The counselling that he's had should have "helped" in some way, even a little. Unless he is not being fully open about his feelings and problems, if this is the case then he will never resolve anything.
I'm not saying that he should feel forced into sex/intimacy but he is part of a partnership, as you are and it sounds like you have fully respected the issues he has and you support him. So why can't/won't he do the same and meet your needs somewhere even if its not close to halfway It doesn't have to be full sex, he has other "tools" he could use.
Sorry you're going through this and I do hope that you find some way to resolve it. xx

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