What makes you feel "together" in your relationship?

[BertieBotts]

I realise this is kind of a weird question, but I just tried to ask DP about it, and he didn't really get what I was saying, I can't seem to word it in a way which makes sense.

Anyway, I often feel quite disconnected in a way, like me and DP are just two separate people living our lives which just happen to be alongside each other. But I don't know if this is just me, or whether it's to do with being on different timescales (he works nights) or because we both spend a lot of time online, or maybe it is how it is but it doesn't really matter - we've only been together 18 months, so maybe it's normal? I don't know.

I just have this niggling feeling that perhaps we should seem like more of a unit somehow. As I said, I just asked him about it and he said yes he feels like we are two separate people with our own lives but he doesn't think that it matters in a relationship, that the thing that matters in a relationship is loving each other (which I have problems with as a concept but again I can't seem to word this in a way which makes sense) and we have a shared goal which is for DS to grow up well and become a well rounded person - well, I'd hope we have a little more in common than DS??

I think he's just being his usual practical/logical self though and I'm not sure I'm expressing myself well, so I'll just go back to the original question - what makes you feel like you're in a partnership with your partner, and when did this start happening, was it early on or later in the relationship?

We talked a lot right from the start.

You may also need at least 1 joint hobby,even if it is only going to the cinema together.

For me it was very intense in the beginning then we drifted apart a bit and now we are closer than ever. He has very different hobbies to me and quite a different outlook but we talk a lot about the most random shite! We always go to bed at sane time unless one of us is ill. We watch telly cuddled up and always have a coffee first thing. We have been together 7 years and it's took a while for us to both find our own way and also our way together but we are more happy and content now than ever. HTH

We share a lot of similar experiences and we try to spend time alone together. Being intimate helps. As does sharing experiences.

We were friends for ages. He helped me through the shitty abusive relationship I was goin through. He gave me the strength to get out of it, and I fell in love with him.

We spend a lot of time together, we share so much. I think number one you need to be friends as well as partners

I don't know that my Dh and I do share a lot in life.

We have quite different circles of friends (although a few joint friends too), but we mostly socialise separately - I am far more socialable than my Dh, so I tend to go out far more than he does, but we're both happy with that.

Neither do we share any common interests. In fact, his hobbies bore me to tears, as do mine to him.

But we get each other, we love each other and we're always there for each other. That's all that counts. I know I can rely on him 100% to fight in my corner, as I would for him. I don't know why we work, but we just do.

We've been married 11 years, lived together for 14... and still very much in love. (sorry if that's a bit sicky!).

Thanks for these. It's good that you're all saying similar things, in a way.

We used to talk more probably before he moved in, because he was just there on msn and now if we're both doing other things I either don't think to talk to him or I don't feel like I should interrupt (hmm - probably my issue there, though. ) It's hard for us to go to bed together etc but we do usually end up with an overlap either in the mornings or evenings where we do talk but this doesn't always happen.

No time or money for a shared hobby currently, although we did once go rock climbing together and that was great, I really enjoyed that. We were trying to get a boxset or something we both wanted to watch together but hadn't found anything for a while, in fact we did that tonight and it was nice but then he got distracted afterwards... there's a lot going on at the moment and I think that's not helping.

In fact, apols if this is dripfeeding, but he's just accepted a job in Germany and is going out there in 2 weeks (so he leapt up after watching TV to go and order his suitcases...). Myself and DS will be staying here for a few more months, so we'll be going long distance. Then we'll probably go out after Christmas. I'm looking forward to this as it will mean we will be able to be a bit more "normal" in terms of family life as we'll be on a normal timetable. At the moment we can't really go out and do things at the weekends etc because he's sleeping in the day.

No MrsLetch it's lovely :)

We share the same goals and values. We talk to eachother, we listen to eachother. We make an effort to do things together, and as a family. All together rather than divide and conquer.
Even if we're doing separate activities, we'll make an effort to do it in the same room - I'll read a book while he plays on the computer, if I want a chilled out night I'll snuggle up to him while he watches a sci-fi b-movie or moto-gp and doze.
We make eachother cups of tea, we get eachother snacks etc.
We just spend time together and enjoy it.

I suppose I feel like he is a friend, but a bit of a distant one? It's hard for us to spend time together and I think I tend to crave company while he craves solitude so

For the past 2-3 weeks one or the other of us has been ill, and now he's distracted with making plans to go away, so I suppose we haven't had much time together. I'd like a chance for us to go out or something at least once before he goes, though :(

I think it would have been near the beginning. Around about the time that we knew it was serious? We had both been around the block a bit, I was 29 when we met, him 35.

After that, we had some major upheavals and traumas and still felt "together", like a unit, like we knew we were having a rough time, felt that we were a bit distant BUT ultimately knew that it didn't matter in the long run. We would still find our way back (figuratively) to each other. That we weren't a "unit" or in it till we're old and wrinkly, has never been in question.

And, actually, when I think of some of the very testing times we've had, it's nothing short of miraculous!

It's our 12th wedding anniversary today :)

I understand what you mean and having been around MN for a while I remember your threads from your last EA relationship.

I ended an EA marriage after 26 years (to live in my Little House - name changed since!) and am aware that I had very blurred boundaries with my Ex. I got very tangled up with expressing his anger and reading his thoughts and reacting to them.

With my new man we are very intimate but there is a healthy distance between us. His feelings belong to him and mine to me. I don't have to be cautious or wary with him, and I don't have to hold back for fear of upsetting him.

Could the distance you feel be that healthy boundary? Just wondering because it works for me

Yes Lemon (and hello! I remember you too :)) this is exactly what I'm trying to work out. When I asked DP if he thought we had separate lives as separate people and whether this was okay, I don't think that's what I meant. Of course it would be unhealthy to be so tied to another person that you don't feel separate to them, I suppose I'm asking if you're supposed to feel some kind of connection and what makes that connection. Maybe? Not really sure if that's what I want to ask either.

I don't feel like our feelings rely on each other, and I'm happy with that, so I don't think that's it. I think that I worry about how things ended up with XP, where we basically were living separate lives and not really interacting at all (well, he had a life, I had basically nothing!) and I was just a "passenger" - I had no plans, no vision for the future, I only really existed as a glorified housekeeper and childcarer, and if I listened to him, I couldn't even do that very well (although everyone else says different, so a big fat raspberry to that!)

Hmm. Perhaps it's about this Germany thing then, more than I realise.

OK maybe it is to do with needing to be able to live apart for a while. You might unconsciously be drawing back from each other so you can manage separate lives. It would be very painful to be parted otherwise.

My DH and I have a strong relationship now, but like many couples we went through a tough time when our DCs were very young - not enough sleep, kids taking up all our time and energy so not much left for each other etc etc. We talked about ways to make things better, and one of them was spending more time together. Since then, we nearly always eat together at the kitchen table, not in front of the TV, so that we can have a proper conversation. Then we move to the living room and we might watch TV together or play cards. I try not to MN unless he's out for the evening or watching the football! It has really made a difference to us.

We did have a long distance relationship before we were married or had DC when he lived in France for 2 years. I was sad when he was about to leave, but now I look back on that time with great fondness. I would go out to visit him every other weekend and we always had an amazing time. I realise it's different when you're caring for DC on your own at home though.

Honestly, sex. It's a very big part of what makes us feel bonded to each other.

And we are both religious and our talks about our beliefs are special to us.

And we just love each other. We're very different and have a hard go of it sometimes, but like MrsLetch says we're just there for each other. He's it for me, and me for him, and we can't be doing without each other. Sappy I know! :)

I am peddling the power of exercising or playing sport or gym-ing together. And per cheerfulyank sex helps as well as long as neither of you is harboring resentment!

What an interesting thread.

I think if you look at all the answers, everyone's saying something different. Sex, a common hobby, talking - but there does have to be 'a something' that glues and holds you together, or you are just two separate people having separate lives and yes that could become a problem.

For me and dh it's always been shared values and priorities. We intrinsically and instinctively have the same views on the big stuff - parenting, politics, money, marriage, education. That is such a strong foundation.

Also we do still laugh a lot, talk and gossip, we both still love eating and drinking (way too much!) and spending lots of family time together.

We have issues and problems too btw, sometimes we do feel disconnected and sometimes we annoy the living crap out of each other!!

We do things together (even if that means doing nothing at all!).

We work in the same field but with different organisations? it helps to have someone who understands how demanding my job is, as I do with him.

We speak, not insistently, throughout the day. A text here and there keeps communication going!

I find going away for a weekend, just the two of us, a couple of times a year really helps. Gives us a chance to be Mr and Mrs Peabody not just mum and dad. Lots of chatting, sex, eating etc and absolutely NO 'whose turn is it to empty the dishwasher or what shall we cook for tea' conversations.

I know what you mean though, we have no hobbies in common apart from liking going to the cinema. I'm very arty crafty whereas dh loves sport (which I hate) but we seem to muddle along fine.

Yeah the sex is good but I get really twitchy if we don't talk/connect for a while other than having sex, which sometimes happens with everything else going on. Also, we value different kinds of communication. He's happy to just sit in the same room doing different things but for me we may as well be in separate houses! And then I feel okay after having had a conversation with him even if it's over the phone or computer, whereas he feels like he hasn't "really" seen me until we've physically been in the same space. I think he might struggle with the separation more than I will.

We've never had time on our own without DS being in the picture, because we got together when he was 2, and he doesn't see his dad, so very little just couple time.

Ah well. I'm thinking of instilling a tradition of "Movie night Monday" when he goes where we will each watch the same movie and then we can talk about it afterwards, as a way to keep it feeling like we're doing something together. I'd like to keep it up when we move out there too.

My DP and i share the same values & goals.
His hobbies bore me, but I listen and he listens to me. we try and do things together, even if it is mundane like making lunches for the next day or washing up. We go on long walks together with the dogs & that is when we talk about 'big things'.

I think Monday movie night is a good plan.
Watching Netflix together helped me and DP when we were in a rough patch, there wasn't much chatting but we could hold hands and cuddle. I think small signs of affections are as important as sex.

The separation sounds difficult, I am facing a similar issue this coming sept, dp will be away for 8 months. but I think it can be dealt with, we are trying to spend extra time together now as we know we will be apart soon. good luck.