Emotional/Physical Affair fallout

[aintmuchgreener]

Hi, have namechanged for this - please don't flame me, I have been desperate to ask for advice on here but haven't because of the circumstances of our relationship (both left our marriages after an emotional affair), I have, however, gained so much advice from reading the fantastic responses to other threads on here so thank you x

I just wanted to know if anyone had left a partner for another man/woman after having any type of affair and felt they had to stay in the new relationship even though it was absolutely horrendous.

I have just walked away (if i can stay away) from 7 months of hell and have stayed this long because I didn't want all of the destruction our relationship caused to be in vain - I made my bed etc... It's such a ridiculous situation as i've had his stbx wife offering a shoulder to cry on and my stbx husband helping me out!

I don't even know if this post makes sense tbh i'm just relieved but exhausted that the whole nightmare is over! If I wrote down everything he had done to me (no physical abuse btw) you honestly would not believe it and certainly wouldn't think I was sane staying with him! Someone on another thread mentioned trauma bonding which did hit a nerve.

I am in no way asking for sympathy as I know i do not deserve it, I just wondered if anyone had been in a similar position :(

I wont flame you. People make mistakes. People do really daft things.

Is there any chance of a reconcilliation with your husband? Do either of you want that?

Thanks Squeaky - very daft and back to being a stupid infactuated teenager i'm afraid :( I get on really well with DH and I know that he would have me back, he's a great guy and we have remained friends unbelievably but I can't right now see myself back with him, I love him to bits but the thought of kissing him seems wrong. I have to actually go out now with DH and a friend but will be back on later, thank you in advance xx

Your DH sounds like a lovely man! Although i obviously dont condone what you did re: affair, i dont know the circumstances surrounding it etc., no one should have to stay in an unhappy relationship regardless of how they got there.
It would seem that the STBXW may have also suffered these things hence her offering support.

Well I think you are very brave to be so honest! I dont have any advice but I really hope that you will continue to post.

If your DXH is still 'there' for you I hope you both can work through this. Ok, it may be a totally different relationship that you create but it might be even better than it was before! Who knows! I wish you well.

You thought u were doing the right thing at the time and i'm sure you stand by that. Hindsight is great. Pick yourself up move on and remember you are not a bad person becos you made a mistake. Be happy x

You were brave enough to leave DH, you are being brave walking away from the new guy. People make mistakes, life moves on, and it takes a huge amount of guts to admit things are not good (or good enough) and move on. Stay strong, take the support, and keep moving forwards - you may end up back with DH, but it'll be a totally new relationship after all that's happened, and you may not. Life is about evaluating risk, making changes and being happy. Sh*t happens - you can't have handled it that badly if stbxw and dxh are still there for you! be happy to have good support. good luck (wish i was as brave!!!!)

I think you need to get counselling to find out why you have made crap relationship choices.

Affairs are usually about how a cheater deals with their own issues and the choices he/she made to resolve these and this is why it would be useful for you to understand why you chose to have an affair instead of talking to your ex, suggesting counselling or even ending the marriage.

Thank you all so much for your messages, dh & friend have just left, it was pretty emotional tbh, I basically pleaded with them to help me get through this, to stay away from OM - take my sim card, move in, anything - its like being an addict, I just want someone to remove me from the situation until I get over it. Dh got upset and said I will just go back to OM again, friend said she would move in and be there 24/7!! I'm going away tomorrow for a week to a place where the OM is working but I have changed my sim to a new one with just important contacts so hopefully I won't see him - I really feel like a bloody drug addict!!

As well as the ex wife I have the girl he tried to get into bed since we have been together telling me to get rid and he is a loser etc... !! Found out yesterday he signed up to a dating website again too "shagaholics.com" looking or a shag where he is working for the week - classy hey???? Fgs - I know this is crazy and if any of my mates were putting up with this crap I would give them what for but I feel completely numb to the situation - I agree I need counselling (or a serios bang on the head!!!) :-(

You DXH must really love you.

I know that probably doesn't sound too helpful right now, but that fact is screaming out to me from your posts.

I hope you have the courage to leave the OM and consider counselling with or without your DXH.

Best wishes

See a counsellor now! You appear to be addicted to the drama and you don't seem to care/ be aware who gets hurt. You treat your STBEXDH with contempt and then to add insult to injury you involve him in the "OM is so bad for me but I'm an addict drama". Your STBEXDH obviously still cares for you deeply but your on going poor behaviour and bad judgement will only hurt him further.

STBEXDH and the STBEXDW from the OM all giving you advice and showing you concern, there is something VERY VERY wrong here and only you can stop this.

I don't know why you did what you did and why you continue to do what you do but it has to stop.

I have said these things not to be cruel but to shake you from destructive behaviour that's not only hurting you, but those around who still care.

Just because her exh cares for her it doesn't mean they should live happily ever after as surely if she was happy with her husband, she wouldn't have had an affair.

Move on and be on your own. Why are you so drawn to someone who sounds like a dick?

Well, how about this solution?

Move in with OM. F**k eachother many times a day every each way. Feverishly tell eachother how much you love eachother, every 10 seconds, until it gets boring/doesn't work any more/doesn't take the empty void inside away.

NOTHING will rub the glitter off quicker than prolonged contact with the reality.

When you see that actually he is selfish immature and self-absorbed, you might be able to take the first step in having a long, hard look at yourself.

Infidelity CAN be got over and into a richer deeper relationship. But only when the person doing the cheating is prepared to examine their choices, what they were looking for, and why they did what they did. And that takes humility and searing honesty in examing the self, and profuse apologies, instead of blaming the partner/the marriage.

You are cruel. Your DH clearly still loves you and is there for you despite you cheating on him and your using him for emotional support. Sorry but if this were a woman whose DH had cheated and he was running to her for support because the OW turned out to be not who he thought she was, the advice would be to disengage. I cannot imagine how hard it must be for your DH to have to hear that his marriage went down the pan for somebody who was a complete arsewipe.

• you're

OP, I read your post and could so easily have written a carbon copy of this myself 4 years ago.

The grass was definitely not greener.

4 years and two more DCs later, my DH and I are stronger and more together than we've ever been.