I can't be in this marriage anymore....how do I get out?

[IDepriveHim]

Long time MN lurker, first time poster. I am turning to MN for help and advice as there are so many people who seem to have so much wisdom out there.

Background: together since we were 19/20, married 19 years, 2 DCs 11 and 9. Both early 40s now. I work FT in a job I love, on a good salary. He has his own business which has been very up and down, and at the moment more down than up.

The last 3-4 years have been awful. I would call it verbally abusive - is that the same as emotional abuse? He constantly puts me down "Your hair looks better shorter", "why are you wearing that". He resents my job; every argument we have seems to come back to my job "taking over". I do work often long hours, have to stay away the occasional night, sometimes catch up on stuff in the evening etc. But my salary is important as his income fluctuates.

I get little help with the DCs. I get up in the morning to sort out school bags, lunches, getting older one to the bus stop, younger to school. He stays in bed until just before I leave "because there is no room in the bathroom for us all".

My user name is another thing. I was accused last week of depriving him of sex. Depsite the fact I am "useless in bed", "just lie there", "never give me oral", he expects sex everytime we got to bed at the same time. The other night I was really tired and said no. He went into a complete childish sulk and proceeded to bad mouth me for the best part of 30 mins. This happens quite often and I end up giving in. I didn't this time, and then he was a complete arse all morning.

He constantly bad mouths my parents which he knows winds me up.

Every evening he goes to the pub after work "for the company because you are so unsociable and don't talk to me". I just have nothing to say. He never asks me how I am, how my day was, if I talk about how I am feeling he immediately turns it around to him.

I suspect some of this is down to stress because of the business, but I can't do this any more. I have asked 3 times in the last 12 months or so for us to separate. He just laughs and says we can't afford to and that he will stay in the house and keep the kids. Now I am adamant. I have sat this afternoon looking at finances. We own our house, if we sold we would walk away with c£70k each. I earn enough to support me and the kids. I could pay off my unsecured debts and still have enough for a deposit, as could he. I have even looked at houses i could afford.

But - he just won't let go, and sometimes can be nice which makes me wonder what I am thinking. But the bad is stating to outweigh the good. But I worry about the effect on the kids.

Sorry, its long and thank you if you have got this far. I suspect I know the answer - but I need help with the how?
x

Hi. You might want to join us here:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8
We know where you are coming from - and, hopefully, going to.

Hi there, I'm a divorce lawyer and this is what you need to do:

1. Look at the website www.resolution.org.uk to find a local family solicitor.

1. Make a couple of appointments for free half hour interviews.

1. Make a brief schedule of your finances, ie value of assets, liabilities, your earnings, his average earnings. Have to hand details such as the length of the marriage, any significant cohabitation before marriage, ages of children, pension valuations etc.

1. Make appointments to see two or possibly three lawyers for a free half hour meeting. Pref. only two, though.

1. Use that half hour wisely. Do not talk about the reason for the breakdown in any detail. To be honest, your lawyer is not interested in the ins and outs of the arguments, etc. Talk to your best friend in the pub about your feelings, do not waste this free half hour on that stuff. The lawyer needs to have basic information with which to provide you with ballpark figures regarding what each of you is likely to get out of the house, child maintenance (spousal mtce almost certainly not appropriate), pensions, liabilities, etc. Normally we don't get involved in the arrangements for the children; you and your ex are adults and can hopefully sort that out between yourselves without the lawyers sticking their oars in.

1. After the meetings, decide which lawyer you want to go for. Often this is a matter of chemistry. I tend to be very straight talking, if the client is being unrealistic I will tell them. I try to minimise animosity by not slinging bricks at the other side about relatively trivial stuff. Others are a lot more touchy feely flowery types and that may suit some clients better.

1. Hire your preferred lawyer by signing their terms and conditions letter, paying them some money up front and providing your ID. Then leave them to get on with writing to your husband.

When you get to the stage of issuing proceedings (you'll be going on the basis of your husband's unreasonable behaviour), write about 6 to 8 paragraphs explaining how your husband's behaviour has upset you. Your solicitor will translate that into a format which will be strong enough to satisfy a judge that the marriage has broken down, but isn't incendiary and likely to lead to an answer being filed. They will run it by your ex first anyway so he can make any amendments before you start to run up court costs.

arthritic thank you - i have posted there, and have had a tears session reading the opening post and the links to what constitutes emotional and verbal abuse.

mumble - this is so helpful, thank you so much. I just had no idea where to start.

Already feel like I have taken a baby step forward.