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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dilemma: feedback needed!

7 replies

PizzaHut555 · 03/06/2012 19:13

Hi everyone,

My friend (no, really...) is 31, and in an 11-year relationship. She loves her boyfriend (who is lovely, if a bit too laid-back in an out-till-5am-god-knows-where kind of way), and thinks he would make a great dad - but often feels unappreciated and dissatisfied with their relationship. They're thinking of starting a family next year, but she is torn: should she stay in a relationship that is basically loving but that she's not that happy with and have children, or leave for the chance of finding someone who satisfies her, with the risk of never finding new love and missing out on having kids? Another factor is that the women in her family have been affected by fertility problems post-30 which could be hereditary, so time is an issue for her more than for others of her age.

Would really love your feedback, especially if you or someone you know had to make this same choice and can tell us what happened!

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 03/06/2012 19:20

Leave, every time. She is still young, even bearing in mind her possible fertility problems. I don't think they are hereditary, though, are they?

Nanny0gg · 03/06/2012 21:17

Before splitting up, shouldn't they talk?

Lueji · 03/06/2012 21:27

Leave.

I don't think he'll be a great dad if he stays home till 5 am who knows where, and presumably will leave mum to take care of the children.
Because he won't change.

She might be better off having children from donated sperm.

PizzaHut555 · 04/06/2012 09:11

They've tried talking, and she's threatened to leave if he doesn't put more effort in but nothing's changed. And he refuses to try couples' counselling. He is generally a supportive partner though.

OP posts:
hidingbeneathanamechange · 04/06/2012 09:16

Leave. If there are issues, and he won't talk, or conceive change, her future will be no different - unhappy, but with the complication of children. 30 is young, she will find someone else.

ImperialBlether · 04/06/2012 09:19

He sounds too immature for her to consider having a child with, so good for him for making this clear to her.

If she wants a child, she needs to get a move on and find a grown up who is ready now to take that enormous step.

porridgelover · 04/06/2012 10:16

Leave, leave, leave.
If he wants her, he will run after her and talk; but he will know that he has to commit and change. She cant make him change.
This seems appropriate.

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