I am feeling a bit lost.....posted this initially under divorce and separation but feel like the situation will get more response from here.
My exH stays with us if he has work in the area, I agreed this when we separated so that he could see our DS.
DS is 9 and can be hard work due to special needs but on the whole I manage him well and cope as a single parent.
ExH stays about once or twice a month and although this is supposed to be the time he sees DS he rarely does anything constructive with him. Usually what he actually does is use the laptop (his own) and sit at the table - not much interaction with DS beyond half hearted attempts.
One of the issues I am currently dealing with where DS is concerned is that he does not want to sleep in his own bed - he wants to sleep with me. I have left this and left this hoping he would eventually grow out of it but he hasn't and I am starting to tackle it with varying degrees of success.
So while exH was last here I suggested that he and DS sleep together on the sofa bed. Firstly it would mean I got a night's sleep, secondly it would give DS some 1-1 time with his Dad which he so needs and wants.
So.....I go to bed and fall asleep, DS who has sleep problems turns up in my bedroom at aroung 11pm for a cuddle - this is not unusual and is fine. During this time ex was downstairs calling DS and saying "I told you not to wake Mummy up". I asked DS tp go downstairs but he did not want to "I want to sleep with you Mum" so I asked him again and said I needed to sleep alone for one night. In the meantime exH is gettin g more and more riled because DS is not doing what he asks.
Eventually exH comes up and orders DS "OUT" of my bed and DS refuses. ExH then yanks DS out of the bed and it ends with DS lying on the floor crying. ExH then loses it and says "just piss off then" and stomps off. I lost it at this point and told exH that his behviour and language to DS were inappropriate. ExH then calms down and spends ages with DS talking to him about going to bed - then he beds DS down in DS's bedroom and goes off downstairs. DS waits until he can hear exH snoring and then gets in with me (about 00.30 by this point and I just wanted DS to go to sleep - in my bed or anywhere).
I have decided that it's not working as it is and that exH needs to make definite plans to see DS and do something active with him. I think the only way I can do this is by asking him to stay elsewhere. I certainly cannot expose DS to any more behaviour like that from exH who can be very childish at times.
But I fear the conflict, I fear this issues it might cause DS who (believe it or not) actually looks forward to seeing his Daddy.
Don't even get me started about money - he gives me £200 a month and I am grateful as I know many men don't bother. But in the past few months it has been in dribs and drabs - £30 and then maybe £50 a few days later. Am I being difficult in asking for it in one lump sum - I am DS's carer as he is autistic so live from day to day often despite benefits. This past few days exH has been here he has had NO money so I have fed him as well as DS and next week (when he is due back) I cannot afford to and have told him so - he went off with barely a goodbye to me although he did spend time saying goodbye to DS.
How do I cope with the conflict that asking him to stay elsewhere will cause?