Still desperate tp separate but OH refusing to listen. Going to see sol next week and very scared.

[Fakeblondie]

Ive taken mumsnet advice on here and finally made an appt. to see a solicitor later this week to see where i stand legally.
Basically i am very unhappy and dh has refused point blank to move out.
We have 4 dc and been married 20 + years. he says i should be the one to move.If i do this we will certainly lose our home because he has never paid a bill in his life and only ever accumilated debts .We have been to relate and nothing changed.
Now he has seen me beg cry plead ect for separation not just for a few weeks but a few years-i can never ever trust him again. Its like i can never now forget that when it came down to it and i was and still am desparately unhappy he just ignored me. Sometimes he just smirks and says im mad. Im not actually that concerned about me but i dont want dc setting this as the example of their future relationship. There is no affection only bitterness between us. I need to do something for the sake of my dc and soon . I shouldnt let them see me like this i know but i am so desparately unhappy because i am trapped that i just cry most evenings.
What can i expect please from the solicitor appointment ?
If i proceed with say a divorce what happens ? Does the court decide who keeps the home ?
I`ve repeatedly said i want to do it in a civilised way but i know realise he will never ever listen and its going to be awful. But can it be any worse than it is now ? Its going to be very hard because of course i have feelings for him after 20 years and he is a great father. However he has no friends and no hobbies he lives his life entirely through me so if he gets a letter from solicitor it will make him realise i mean business but he has noone to turn to for support ?

If he won't move out, if I were in your position I would separate my life from him in every other way. Sorry, I don't know your home circumstances but can you rearrange bedrooms so that you put DCs in together and you move into your own room? Set up your own bank account and credit cards so that you buy for yourself and your dc only. Don't pay his credit card bills. Cook, wash, iron etc only for you and the dc. Please don't move out, it's your home.

He has slept in the spare room for over a year.
We eat together but am considering seeing if i can get his name removed from the bank account so he can keep his own money and me mine .
According to the tax credit cal i would get an awful lot of money if we separated-is this likely to changs ? I work part time and am lucky to have a great job which i love.

I would have thought it would be easier for you to take your name off the joint account and open a new one. I would separate everything possible but continue to pay all the bills you can afford to all the while keeping a record of everything you are contributing. I would also buy a lockable cupboard and keep all important paperwork (from tax info, to mortgage agreements to the kids passports and everything in between) locked in it, if I really didn't trust him I would keep thy cupboard at my mums!

Gosh, I was in almost exactly the same situation as you about 5 years ago, down to same number of DC and the smirking and calling me mad! He, too, said I would have to leave because I was the one who wanted out. He was wrong.

Just stick to your guns and make sure your solicitor specialises in family law and is someone you trust to be 100% on your side. Accept that you won't necessarily get everything you want out of it, but if your expectations are reasonable you shouldn't be disappointed. Courts in the UK aim at an equitable split with the welfare of any children being paramount. They're not interested in whose fault or who wants out, except in very extreme cases. Thus you won't get more just because H was unpleasant, whilst he won't get more just because you're the one who instigated the separation.

Frankly if I were you I'd just go straight for the divorce, save wasting time and money if you know you are never going to want to get back together, but it depends of course on how you feel about divorce and what your solicitor recommends.

Annie how did you find it and how is it now ?
I cant imagine life without him because i left home at 18 and we met soon after. I know ill cope but its very scary. I am thinking of dc entirely. His parents slept in separate beds from their 30s and he sees nothing wrong with this- my children could be as unhappy as me and thats awful so i feel i have to be the one to change the future iykwim.

Yes you can be the one to change the future, and it's great that that's your goal.

It will be challenging. But you are right: you will cope. Even if it's all you have known since you were 18 (I was in the same boat). As for life afterwards... I chose my username after the dust settled from leaving my own abusive marriage.

Hes gone. OMG i cant believe it. Was not nice . He shouted and kids heard him telling me how i was making him leave the children and it was all my fault. I am ashamed that i am already worried about him . I dont want to yo yo the dc emotions.
I dont know where he will go tonight and i worry because i know him but i know i have to stay focused this time and have at good 6 month break before making any firm decisions ? My dd is in the middle of her gcse`s and she is aiming for medical school so i should have shut up for another few weeks ?

You have done absolutely the right thing, Fakeblondie. Stay strong, breathe a huge sigh of relief.
Do not worry about him.

Well done, you've 100% done the right thing.

Your daughter will realise that in the fullness of time if she doesn't already.

Look after yourself.

Are you okay, fakeblondie?

Of course you're worried about him - years of habit and being bonded.

But he really truly can take care of himself, and that is in fact his responsibility and no-one else's.

Take care of yourself.

I really would advise cutting off all forms of communication that are not a) about your DC only, and b) in writing. This is the best thing you can do for that yo yo of emotions.

Thanks everyone. Am ok . TBH very tempted to call and tell him how much i miss and worry about him, but fortunately he has ignored my e mail asking him if he is ok anyway. I feel physically sick . Im scared stiff and cant imagine how this is going to end ? Im also thinking of all the good things and not the bad about him-hes a fantastic dad. Cant understand why he hasnt called th kids tonight because i know how much he will be missing them. Its like im not really here and have an awful week ahead. i work in a job i cant really switch off from and have no help from family whatsoever. Parents wont even speak to me when they realsie hes gone ! Oh well cant get any worse surely ?

Hold your fire, if you cave now and let him back, you'll send years and £000's getting your life back.

Have faith, this is the tough bit, it will get better, and soon.

Spend, not send..

DO NOT CALL HIM!

Do not email him "to ask him if he is ok" either.

You can't understand why he hasn't called the kids tonight? I can. It's because he values his children's feelings a lot less than whatever drama it is he's playing (could either be "poor me" or "I'll show her!")

How are you doing today Blondie?

Whose parents are you referring to as likely not to speak to you? His or yours?

As HotDAMN says, he will be DELIBERATELY not calling them to HURT THEM and get to you. He knows that if he calls, you will know he is OK, he won't call cos he wants to give you anguish, he wants the children to ask YOU where he is.

I expect some cockandbull story about a terrible night he spent, all to garner support and sympathy from you, and for you to realise that you have been 'a silly goose and of course he needs to come home and carry on where he left off and WAY worse'

Learn the steps of the Manipulators Dance here.

Well done Blondie the hardest part is behind you.
You might find it helpful to come over to the EA Support thread here although it is nearly full and number 9 will be along soon!

We can hold your hand and predict how he will try to manipulate you over the next few days. Nasty selfish men (who are NOT good fathers by the way) follow a script. Expect threads of self harm, abusive texts and swings of mood to declarations of eternal love as he tries to find a chink in your armour to make you relent.

And the parents are predictable too. They have too much invested to support you wanting to be free.

Hugs from me. You are doing the right thing!

Well he's been gone a week today . came over todYto take dc out for day and it was very hard .
should I start to claim for any tax credits ? He is stillpGing all the bills ?

Can be something good to focus on, sorting out the finances, because it'll take quite some time to finalise. In the short-term get to know all your expenses in detail with bank statements and other information because you may need it. Budget carefully. Couples have an obligation to support each while the divorce is going through but people can get funny where money is concerned. Even if he is still paying the bills it's worth giving the Tax Credit hotline a call and explaining your new circumstances. Make sure everything gets paid into a personal bank account. Good luck

How did it go with the solicitor?