Am I Ridiculously Stupid For Feeling Bad?

[nikita1987]

Hello all

Less than a couple of weeks ago, I wrote my very first post on this site concerning a family dilemma and I really appreciated the constructive feedback and insightful advice I received from a host of posters. I think this is a great website and I value people's opinions around these parts, so I'm here I am again.

I realise that most of you reading this will probably not have come across my original post, so I'm simply going to cut a long story short: When I and my wife decided to get married, her parents ostracised her and refused to have anything to do with us because they didn't believe in interracial relationships. It was a difficult period, but we got through it with our love and the intense support we received from my side of the family. We marginalised her parents and eventually forgot about them entirely. We've been married for two years and we're very happy. We have a bubbly, beautiful son who has just turned one-years-old.

However, recently, my wife's mother turned up at our home and in tears, said she'd made a mistake and that she was sorry for everything. She wanted to make amends and establish a relationship with us and our son. My father-in-law (I use this term loosely) however, still maintained his bitter views and he wasn't even aware of the presence of my MIL at our home. My wife was cautious and suspicious of her mother's appearance: she knows her a lot better than I do and she spoke of the woman's great capacity for manipulation, as she proved when she tried to dissuade my wife from continuing our relationship with me when we first started dating. After a week of debating and contemplation with her, my wife decided she didn't want to take the risk, especially after we spoke about the negative possibilities letting in what was once a poison chalice, into our son's life. He's the one we're most concerned about.

Our decision coincided with us hearing of the news that my MIL was seeking a divorce with her husband. When my wife heard of this, she simply looked at me, smiled bitterly and said, "Typical Mum." The image is much clearer now: In all probability, my MIL's need for "redemption" was prompted by her broken marriage. With my wife's knowledge of her mother's manipulative ways, it certainly looks like my MIL was using us as a cushion to fall back onto.

Even with this knowledge, I still can't shake this irritating manifestation of guilt eating away for me. Even though my wife's parents have never held me in a positive light simply because of skin pigmentation and my wife told me of some very unsavoury things her parents said about me during their arguments, I've never been angry or even offended by their views: I just pitied them in all honesty. I was even open to the idea that may be one day, they'd come around and discard their views. And even now, I find myself feeling sorry for my MIL. I know, right? I'm an idiot! But that's just how I feel.

I spoke to my wife about it and she said it's probably because of my own family background: I may be 25 but I'm still a mother's boy at heart, and I and my dad are still the best friends we've always been. I come from a large but tightly-knit family, so unlike my wife, completely cutting ties with my parents is about as alien to me as the concept of vegetarianism is to a lion.

I'd appreciate people's thoughts on the situations. I currently feel like the biggest idiot in the world for feeling the way I do right now.

Hmm, it's really hard without knowing the people involved, to properly comment i think, clearly your wife knows her mother better than any of us.
On the whole I think it would be great if your son could have a relationship with his grandmother.

Regardless of what has happened previously, if she is genuinely sorry and would like to spend time with him I think that is a good thing.

And bear in mind that this can be on your terms. you can agree to meet her in a public place for short periods or whatever you want really. and if she starts the weird behaviour again you can stop the contact

But I say that without knowing the back story, and why your wife feels so strongly about not having any contact

It's totally normal for someone with a good family life to find it hard to understand how other families can be so horrible. To you, the thought of cutting out your parents is just awful, cruel and callous and it makes you feel guilty. That is because your parents are kind and lovely people who have truly given you a good life. Your wife, in contrast, turned out the way she did in spite of her parents. Her kindness and good nature are down to her own strength of character, and I'm sure have been hard-won in the face of the barrage of negativity and manipulation from her parents. By expecting her to let her mother back in her life, be aware of just how much you are expecting. It's quite likely that your wife's self esteem is quite fragile. The effect that having her mother back in her life could have could possibly be devastating, especially now she has own son. IME when a person who has abusive parents has their own children that's a real danger period - because realising how much you love your own child, and at the same time realising that your own parents don't feel that way about you (based on how they treat you) is a huge blow.

Be understanding of your wife, please. She has been treated horribly by her mother and wishing that she would let that woman back in her life is quite inconsiderate really. Her mother is a mother in name only. She does not add anything to your lives and you do not have a duty to put up with her just because she is related to your family.

What about this situation bothers you so much?

Hi OP, my feeling about this is that your MIL may have been "supporting" her husband's outmoded, outrageous views simply because she may not have had a choice and now he no longer is in her life, she has an opportunity to try and re-build a relationship with her daughter.

I get all the manipulation thing but all I can say is that your child will grow up safe and confident with as much family around them as possible and you and your wife can both ensure that no negative influences creep and as the earlier poster says, you can be in control of the contact.

But, I love a happy ending and may just be being naive about it all!

Firstly, congratulations to you for your lovely sounding family unit and your ability to see your PIL's attitudes as fear and ignorance and not letting it get to you.

I'm not surprised you feel guilty tbh. The MIL apparently came looking for forgiveness and wanting to make amends and you are not giving her this chance. I can understand your wife's cautiousness given what's happened in the past but is it possible the MIL was sticking to the party line established by your FIL and now they're splitting up her feelings are genuine? You said yourself you were hoping one day they'd come around, and maybe now she has...

Personally if you think it could be at all beneficial and if your wife may be open to it I would review again with your wife and see if there is a way for your family to have a "trial" relationship with your MIL on your (positive) terms. Your child is young enough to get over it if in, say, a year you decide it's not working out.

Hey, @thisisyesterday:

Like you wrote, my wife knows her mother better any of us do. In regards to her cautious outlook - I and my wife dated for three years before we decided to get married. We were at university at the time and lived on campus, but when we started dating and she told her parents about me, whenever she went home, she would be met by hostility and she would have turbulent arguments with her parents. She actually spent the Christmas of our last year at uni with my family as her ties with her parents had decayed to such an intolerable level. Deep down she's still very much hurt by the entire episode and her cautiousness is is a result of that hurt. And I'm totally behind her. I couldn't imagine being treated like that by my own family simply because of a person I loved. That's why I feel stupid for feeling sad for my MIL.

you shouldn't feel stupid, it's human nature to want to see the best in people, and you've been brought up to be kind and forgiving.

i wonder if, like other posters say, your MIL has been controlled by her husband's wishes for all these years and now she has broken free fromt hat she sees that she could make amends?

@CailinDana. Oh I'm completely understanding of my wife and I'm totally behind her, like I wrote in another post. I actually agreed with her on the stance she has taken, and that's why I'm perplexed by the guilt lurking within me. In regards to what bothers me about the situation - well, I guess it's the fact of the concept of cutting out what, in my eyes, seems like fundamental figure. Like you wrote, my wife's mother is only her mother in name and in the last few years, there has been nothing motherly about her, but yet again I guess those feelings all stem from my own family background. I won't push my wife to try and reconcile - even though this this silly guilt inside of me, she went through hell in those three years we dated and I even though I feel a bit silly, I completely understand her outlook and I stand by her every step of the way. I guess, just like it took time to get accustomed to the fact and reality that one's parents could basically banish their child for a silly reason, the same applies here.

If a woman is willing to stand by an abusive, racist man in favour of her daughter, is that a valid excuse for her terrible behaviour? Yes she might have been "under the thumb" of her husband, but the fact is she treated her daughter horribly, she's a grown adult with her own brain and she can't now claim that it was all her husband's fault. She chose to stay with him and to go along with what he was saying.

@CailinDana with respect you don't know the dynamic in this relationship.

What if the FIL was EA to the MIL - behaviour to the daughter might suggest so? Would you still think the same then? Where is she claiming its all her husband's fault anyway! These are just thoughts some posters have had, and by the sounds of the OP she has come grovelling, not trying to lay the blame for her behaviour with others.

Different cultures have some very different and clearly regrettable views towards things like mixed marriage and the male-female role in families, and if you have been indoctrinated to think a certain way it can be very hard to break out of.

I have to say that the OP was young when he got married too which may be another layer of concern.

Clearly the MIL is far from perfect but there are always two sides to every story.

Ivanapoo - In regards to my MIL, well, my wife actually told me that her father was more hardcore in his views than her mother. Even so it's really difficult to see her as the unwilling passenger and there are two reasons for that. When my MIL came to our home, she admitted she had been complicit with driving away her daughter and that she initially shared her husband's opinion in regards to mine and her daughter's association "not being right." From what my wife has told me, her parents were the controlling type. There can be a comparison in that regard with my own parents, as you mention that we were young when we wedded.

Yes, that's true - we got married when we were 23 and initially, my parents, although they were very supportive of our relationship, didn't think it was a good idea for us to get married at our age. We sat down and spoke to them, and although they expressed their understandable concerns, they never once tried tried to dissuade us from our decision or castigate us. They just gave us their own input, something which we considered and discussed with them. And I think that's one of the main differences with my parents and my wife's - in regards to the latter, they didn't even give her chance with our relationship right from the get-go. That's one of the things that really annoy my wife.

You mention I always hoped that maybe one day they'd come through and that maybe she now has. Yes, I've always been something of an idealist, and there is a tinge within me that thinks my MIL may have turned the corner, but I also know what my wife went through (it was a horrible affair, in all honesty) and my allegiance is with my wife and our son. My universe revolves around those two.

Your parents sound great and clearly a lot more open minded than your partners' parents. Many parents from all kinds of backgrounds would not be so reasonable.

All I would suggest then is for you not to draw a permanent line under this. It sounds like your wife is not ready to build a relationship with her parents but you are both still young and there may come a time when she feels she wants her mother in her life again. I hope in time your wife will be able to forgive her parents regardless as holding on to negative emotions and blame can be very draining.

Does your wife see the rest of her family?

@Ivanapoo - Yes, I know I'm a very lucky person to have them. You're right on the money about a lot of other parents not being so receptive. It's almost ironic, because there was also another interracial couple we befriended when we were at university. The man was of Indian descent and the woman of Caribbean descent. The relationship didn't last that long, however, as both their families didn't approve of them being together and eventually, they were simply worn down by the pressure and went their separate ways. Please excuse my language, but this world needs to get over its bullshit at times.

I agree with you about drawing the line in the sand. My wife hasn't entirely discarded the idea of making amends, however, she said she's not going to "force it." She'll adhere to what she feels right now and if time changes her perception, as time often does with people, then she'll adjust to the situation.

Also, in answer to your question: My wife is an only child and her collective family isn't that close. When she met my family, she was a bit stunned at how close I am with my cousins, whom I view as brothers and sisters. She has a few cousins and aunts and uncles, but that's just it - she's only related to them in name and nothing else and when she was growing up, she never really had strong relationships with them.

i'm in a similar position to you, though my ILs have different reasons for being horrible to us. and they haven't even been quite as horrible as your ILs! but DH has still basically cut them out...

i don't think your DW is being unreasonable in calling out her DM's change of heart as something more than it seems.

it's hard when you're close to your family and you see the contrast and it's so jarring... but you know what... there is a little child involved here, a child of an interracial relationship that has attracted vile abuse from these people, and your DW is right to err on the side of extreme caution.

what happens when FIL and MIL patch things up? it's likely to happen, even if it's only temporarily. how is your little family going to feel when they're hurt all over again?

if there was EA involved in the ILs marriage, that's very sad. but the fact remains then, that MIL felt it was more important to take her DH's part, than it was to love and accept her child and grandchild. and that kind of massive error of judgement isn't something that just evaporates overnight. it has consequences.

if your MIL is serious about making amends, she needs to prove herself over a number of years. yes it would be lovely to just welcome her back with open arms, but you know what, there are consequences to being complicit in abuse and racism, and she doesn't get to bypass them just because she's related to her daughter iyswim.

i can understand why your feelings are mixed about this. just trust your DW and try to remember that you're not dealing with nice supportive loving people here. these people are not like your family and they can't be trusted implicitly.

when people show you who they are, believe them.