i need honest opinions.

[lackofsleepor]

Hi
Dh and I have a good marriage generally. He is great with the kids and loves me. He does he share of housework, childcare etc. We both work and he never ever sees anything as my job etc. Might not be relevant but just wanted to get over he is a good guy, I think.
We have had a few wobbles over the last 6 months. He has his own restaurant and always asks for my help when taking on staff. Like looking at CVs, helping interview them. Last November I found out he had taken a female member of staff on, with no mention to me. I went to the restaurant when I was passing in town and there she was. It wasn't open yet, and dh didn't introduce us. So I introduced myself. I asked him later why he hadn't told me and got told he did. I know he didn't, but he was insisting he did. Over the next few weeks, despite talking about the restaurant and asking for opinions she never got mentioned. Again I asked him if she was working out as he never mentioned her. He said (again) that he felt uncomfortable as i was upset about her starting there. i was upset as i felt he had hidden her working there. At some point she left but again no mention.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago. He is setting more staff on and i have a pile of CVs. On Saturday afternoon he tells me a woman was coming in for a trial shift. He hadn't interviewed her but her cv was through the restaurant door on Friday night so he called her and asked her to come in. No problem. Now his mobile is the business mobile so i use it alot. A text came in from the head waiter, when i opened it all the messages they had sent popped up. There was one from Friday lunch time saying he had interviewed this woman and she was coming in Saturday. I was confused as he told me he hadn't interviewed her and he got the cv Friday night. I asked him and he said 'i did interview her, you must have missed understood' at this point i got quite upset and said i hated that everytime he sets a female on its in secret and always told i am misunderstanding. He kept saying it was me. i told him i felt he was hiding things and it made me feel insecure. He was very reassuring and told me i had nothing to worry about.
She worked there for a week them he came home one night and said that when he got there (he leaves home at 5pm) there was a note through the door saying she didn't want the job. I felt there was something strange, so checked the phone and he had text the head waited at 4 pm saying he had found a note from her. I asked again and was told he said he had found it when he went in during the day, I must have misunderstood. There is a theme here isn't there.
So this weekend. We are still looking for more staff and I have interviewed some. One I didn't. When we were going over it he said the one I didn't see he didn't want. Lets call her Natalie. I asked if any had been offered a job he said no. While I was on the phone taking taking a booking a text came from Natalie. Seeing the text conversation its clear she has been offered a job, she was asking for a rota and if she could go in Saturday morning (yesterday to pick up her wage). Saturday morning came and he doesn't work, but as soon as ds went for his nap dh said he had to go to the butchers and was gone over an hour. I feel like he waited until ds had gone for a nap so we couldn't come. I haven't asked him if he went to the restaurant, but he said he only went to the butchers. This morning his phone was ringing at 6.15am. It wasn't Natalie's number, but I didn't get to it in time. I don't know who it was, we occasionally get prank calls. I did however look at the messages. He text her last night to tell her to come in. Its not clear if its for her wage or to work. She wasn't on the rota I did for him. He then text her giving her 4 nights next week. But not the busiest night, which is strange. Although I have a table booked on this night. I can't help but think that is the reason.
Sorry this is long. So when he gets up I don't know if I should confront him, ask some leading questions or plays dumb to see if he mentions her working at all this week.
Am I being paranoid, or does it not add up. I will admit i am quite insecure. I used to be a fit size 10, but am struggling to lose the weight from ds. Dh says he loves me and there is no way he would risk splitting us and out family up. But something isn't right. But he always manages to convince me that I have misunderstood. But if i am not misunderstanding, why would he leave the evidence on a phone i use? Which is his other argument.
Sorry its so long,but i feel really lost and scared and it feels a bit better to write it.

Never with male staff.

Ok so what is your gut telling you? You know him better than any of us do! Ignore the head talk but think about your instinct.

No matter what your not happy, you feel misinformed and every time you ask him he lies or turns it round onto you!

What do you need to do

Is he happy about you starting to work there as well?

If nothing else I would want clear boundaries about who does what - if you are in charge of the hiring and rotas, he can't make decisions without consulting you. Apart from anything else staff are expensive and you don't want to be paying for more than you meed.

Are you sure this is a good time to give up your well paid job? It will mean you no longer have an independent income at a time when you obviously suspect something is going on.

I honestly feel confused about what my gut is telling me. The problem is he is hiding things so I feel insecure and question him. Then he hides things so I don't question him and so he doesn't upset me. Iyswim.
He is a good husband. He has got up and told me to vet some sleep while he takes as to the supermarket. He always supports me in what I want and I do him. I think a big problem is stress and lack of sleep. Ds doesn't sleep well, dh does more than his fair share of getting up. The day he put his offer for the business I went into labour. Its been a hard year. I work ft, worked for him on mat leave etc. Sometimes I feel the business comes before everything. But I realise sometimes it has to as it is our future.
I am going to sit down and have a good long conversation tonight. I need to lay my feelings out and tell him how I feel.
Regarding working for him, he begged me to. He even offered me a pay rise. Working for him means more time with the kids and more freedom as I will work around the kids. I am excited. Its the best of both worlds for me. I get to work but not have to go by someone roses rota. He is excited as he feels we don't get enough time together as a couple or family.
I think I am scared as before dh I was in a very abusive relationship. Dc and ea. The 'you have misunderstood' takes me back. I met dh shortly after and he supported me through my exp court case, he hospitalized me. We were friends and then when I was ready we became a couple. He is wonderful, but I remember thinking my ex was too.
Writing this out makes me think I need more counselling. Maybe he is hiding things he thinks will upset me and I am reading more into it? Its the 'gaslighting' that bothers me most. If he could give me a reason for me not knowing I think I would feel better. I do think my insecurities are adding to the problem. I have a tendancy to over think things.
Thank you so much, everyone, its really helped me calm myself and look objectively at the situation. I will update when we have talked.

One hand - tbh I am battling that thought myself. Maybe I will have a better idea once we have spoken tonight. My boss is lovely and wants me to stay. I would have no problem keeping my job. On the plus side I have all his books for the restaurant, I am actually co-owner. He, my dad and in own equal parts. Its just I have my own job so haven't been working there. He is very open about the business just not with this one issue. Which is why it strikes me as odd.

Why give up a well paid job to work for him in the his restaurant? You are putting all the family's financial eggs in one basket. It doesn't sound wise. Keep your independence. If you co own the restaurant and have that in writing just be more involved there. Send a friend in to see if he's flirting with the women employees.

He has hidden 3 female members of staff being taken on or might have yet wants you to work there so clearly cannot have much to hide. You don't think he is having sex with all these women surely all at once one after the other? Perhaps he jsut thinks you are a very jealous type and he likes women and he doesn't want you to fuss over them. Perhaps he wants to choose the ones who look prettiest as that genuinely does help restaurants and you might want to pick the 16 stoners?

Hi, just wanted to update you.
I have spoken at length with dh. I told him how I felt. I basically said what I wrote in the op. He told me he understands how it looks from my pov. He says that sometimes he avoids telling me things or half a tale as he doesn't want to upset me. I pointed out that I only get upset when he isn't open with me. Again he agreed. He also said that sometimes he has that much going on he only tells me parts as he is preoccupied. I know this to be partly true, this is why I will be working with him.
I asked him to google 'gaslighting'. He was very upset, not angry, that I felt that was what he was doing. He has assured me that this is not what he is doing. But he has admitted that maybe he is not always right when he says I have misunderstood, but assures me it is him that has not explained. He is very upset at himself that in his pursuit of being right, he has effectively done this, though that's not the intention.
I have told him that I am going to pursue counselling again, to help my self esteem. He has offered to attend with me or see if we can get couples counselling to help us communicate more clearly. So far it looks good. He also pointed out that none of the messages are flirty, which they are not. And the fact its all on a phone I have access to. I also have access to his email.
So I feel better as he has acknowledged how his actions effect me. To answer the question as to why I am leaving my job. There are many reasons. He was going to employ someone to do this job. It is one I have always done, he needs someone he trusts as I will have access to the books. I can go back to doing school runs (I work 8-4 at least, 5/6 days a week) which I miss. I will get more time with dh and my kids. My job is very stressful, this will be easier. I don't have to worry about getting time off when the kids have a doctors app, are sick, have a school play, sports day. I can be more involved with the school. We can plan holidays when suits us not my employer. i can start running again, will have more time to meet my friends who work part time etc. I think alot of this, I really miss my friends (one of which has a dd the same age as ds so we used to do alot with the kids when I was on mat leave) will help with my confidence. I also miss my running. I currently feel my spare time is full of catching up on jobs not having fun the kids. I am looking forward to a new life based around my family not my employer. The business is doing extremely well and has a good amount of savings, it isn't a financial risk. Also my boss has promised in writing that I have the option of going back. She is treating it like a 'gap year or two or forever' as she puts it. Its an opportunity I have always wanted.
Thank you so much for your advice, its really helped to talk it through. I do accept my issues are having an effect on my situation. thank you again. If you have anymore advice, comments please feel free. I won't be offended, i did truly want honest opinions. I really appreciate your help and comments.

In that case it sounds best to take the new job but do keep it in consideration, check you always have share certificates for your share in the company, read the accounts, tax returns, be totally knowledgeable about the business so that if it goes into difficulties you can go back to the other job as back up.

If he doesn't mind your reading his emails or phone then there's no problem, he has nothing to hide. It sounds like you had a good chat with him and all will be well.