An otherwise great DH or is he

[outofteabags]

I need someone to talk sense into me.

My DH is generally recognised as a great guy. He is brilliant at home, fun to be with and loves me dearly.

This weekend he has f*ked up massively, earlier in the year he agreed to go on a stag night in Prague without looking at a calendar and realising that it would f*k up the 4 day weekend and also my 40th birthday.

He has been massivley stressed at work, but that is nothing new. Outside of work he has NOTHING else to deal with as I do the lot, children, home, my job ? everything.

I am always the one making do, I have tried not to be outwardly pissed off about this weekend but I have had the most foul day with the kids, and now have to look forward to the joy of driving all over the UK for next three days to enable us to see DH when he gets back, manage half term whilst being horrifically busy with work.

Added to that, my 40th. I swore I wouldn't get upset but seriously, all I want is to be cherished. The only reason we did anything is because I sorted it. My present, whilst fancy is a f**king hideous watch clearly bought randomly "at the new watch shop at Bond Street station"

DH is clueless, if I say anything, he is going to flip out but frankly if he was in the room right now I would be walking out the door I am so pissed off with the whole thing.

He is a great best friend and Dad but a crap, husband and lover and has made me feel utterly worthless.

Or am I just hysterically tired on a saturday night, run ragged by children and a client who's f**ked up a project, rang to ask for help and I am still 'helping' now.

Anyway how do you feel about him going to a stag night in Prague?

Anyway how do you feel about him going to a stag night in Prague?

Ah, husbands that work away in the week. A pet subject of mine. I used to work in an HR capacity for a company of IT consultants that did exactly this with their staff - the consultants were away all week on work assignments and earning pots of money, the partners were left at home.

Conservatively the divorce rate was 50%.

The boys (and girls) get to have the single life all week, drinking, no reponsibilities, flirting with eachother, affairs, getting to do whatever they want while wife/husband is at home doing everything. When they go home, they are knackered from hard work and late nights. They dont want to go out, because they eat out every night and they sit in the pub all week. They want to be Mr/Mrs pipe and slippers.

They become incredibly selfish and self centred because while they are away, the only person their have to accommodate is themselves. SO they get used to that, making plans for themselves without any feedback or without considering the needs of anyone else. I actually think they resent coming home at times.

Meanwhile, partner at home is knackered too, and a prisoner in their own home, having wall to wall laundry, cooking, kids, homework, parents evenings - and very often work as well, so all the stress of childcare. It all becomes very unequal.

Sooner or later it comes to a head, usually when the bloke decides that he's a disney dad anyway, and could use the alternate weekends to indulge himself some more, usually with the pretty hotel receptionist or a fellow consultant or some lass he's met at that nightclub they frequent. Or someone they had a guilt free shag with after actively seeking someone out on cupid.com or adultfriendfinder.

Can you tell I have been there, done that, and heard the same sad story over and over?

I think you need to take a sharp look at Mr Fabulous and decide whether or not you can continue to cope with his selfishness. I think you need to spell out, in great detail, exactly what a twat he has been. Tell him to take the watch back. SOmething from the station is only one step up from "oh fuck, I forgot, I better buy her some garage forecourt flowers"

If he wants to be married to you, then weekends are yours, not his. He gets a social life all week, weekends are for you. You get to decide.

There are probably 15 or so other wives and partners feeling exactly the same as you!

You described his as a crap husband and lover. Do you feel neglected in general as well as this weekend?

Sorry OP, but this is totally out of order. DH and I don't arrange so much as a drink with friends without running it past the other to check it's OK, let alone an entire weekend away! And I get that he might not have realised it was Jubilee weekend without a calendar, but it's your birthday - a date that should be engraved on his brain by now. He's massively taking you for granted, OP, and it will only get worse.

It's not her birthday. That was in the week and he was there for that.

I would be extremely about a grown man partner of mine wanting to go on a Stag do to Prague. They do not go there to look at the beauty of St Charles Bridge. At best it is because of the cheap alcohol but mostly it is because of the very cheap lap dancing clubs and unfortunately the availability of very beautiful and economically disadvantaged women.

Meanwhile, it sounds like you made a pact with your DH that would give you a certain lifestyle and him career opportunities, it sounds like time for a review of it all.

Fair point, maleview- I was just going on the bit in the OP where she said he'd fucked up her 40th birthday and assumed she'd been hoping to do something this weekend, which she now obviously can't.

Hattifatner, my husband works away in the week. Everytime I phone him, he's either at the office sounding stressed, or I wake him up in his one room digs where he's trying to get his head down whilst working two jobs and driving 10 hours every weekend to come and see us. Is he doing it all wrong?!

And, I would not be impressed by anyone missing my 40th birthday weekend, ok, he turned up for a quick dinner, but hopefully if he really wanted to attend the Prague do, he's be begging you to accompany him on a luxury romantic trip for two at another time of the year to celebrate instead.

I don't think your husband sounds a monster, he sounds like he does his share when he's there on the weekend, BUT it does sound like the romance and spark aspects are missing, and it won't get better if you are living apart unless you do something about it (I find that aspect better, for example,as you haven't seen them all week, so going out to dinner is really fun).

We did hardly anything for my 40th. I would have loved to have been fussed over, big party etc. But it's not what he's ever been like. And, like I suspect you probably have, I said no it's fine, doesn't matter.

A generation ago, there was hardly any fuss about any birthday. My grandparents didn't even send cards/presents for their children's birthdays (all lived a long way away) and that was pretty usual. I'm just meaning it seems like everyone else gets "cherished" and some of us don't.

Mine did make a big fuss of my 38th birthday, now I think of it, arranging overnight babysitters, and a trip to Ireland for the day to see one of our favourite bands, and the trip was revealed over the course of 3 days with a Blind Date scenario involving our kids and Winnie the Pooh and Scooby Doo.... so he can do it.

I get exactly what you mean about dragging round the country, as I end up doing this, and my dh works away a lot, not every week, but can be for 2 months at a time, and adds up to 4 months a year usually.

I think, you can't change this weekend, but you need to tell him you were wrong, it does matter to you, and what you'd like him to do to make it up (not in a punishment sort of way, just a treat you sort of way).

I've got exams the next 2 weeks. Have had them the last 4 years at this time of year. Am feeling all the resentment you do at not being involved with stuff. Am wanting dh to just work out that I'd love a big demonstration of affection when they're over (camping weekend away would do it, or something!), but I'm going to have to tell him if I do (and it's a busy time of year!).

Wibbled on, but just really wanted to say, you're not alone, and he doesn't sound like a monster to me.

I don't think he should have made a big fuss of the birthday if they never do that, but the OP did want a fuss, and he went on an alternative big event to Prague, so clearly wasn't staying in with her having a quiet tim

It's good you and your DH love each other. However, IME, you have to keep remembering the little courtesies eg birthday cards, or else matters slip and resentments build up. He would no doubt remember a card for his secretary so he can jolly well buy one for his DW's 40th. My DH didn't get me anything on my 40th (he said I would know he wished me Happy Birthday) and I have never quite got over that as a turning point in our relationship after which I began to consciously distance myself, and set up my own social life rather than waiting for him to come home knackered at weekends. It's not been good for our marriage but at least I now have friends and a life. I wish I had confronted him at the time though and then I might have a marriage instead of a housekeeper/ wage arrangement.