I don't fancy my husband any more

[xyx]

This is a problem as he wants sex 3x a week at least and I'm no longer keen. The kids are older now so it's not just being tired, although my job is demanding. He's put on weight and just isn't attractive. There's no one else, I don't want anyone else, I just wish I fancied him! I love him and we've had many good years together. I'm not ready to call it a day, but this is a real strain. I haven't been as blunt as to tell him all this, but I have suggested for a while now that he goes on a diet, does more exercise. He feels bad, so I will have to come clean for his sake, but I feel awful and shallow. On the other hand, I'm really not interested in sex with him and it's only fair to let him know why - I think. It used to be good before the middle aged spread set in! I'm posting this because I want some advice as to how to sort this out. Thanks for reading.

I think the first necessary step is to tell him, in as kind a way as possible. It's also important for his health and longevity to be a healthy weight. It will probably be a nasty shock for him but you can't continue avoiding this issue forever, it will increasingly damage your relationship and he will remain hurt and confused when this is an issue he can take control over and feel better for it. Some people get very offended by this type of thing but I am of the school of thought that it's important to be as healthy as you can and do your best not to "let yourself go".

What is your weight like? Could you say that you could both benefit from some healthy eating/ muscle toning? Could you take up exercising together? Ask for his support and participation in your own healthy lifestyle endeavour? What kinds of meals do you eat at home, can you change them to become healthier? Make this a family effort? It's important for parents to set a good example to their children in terms of weight, healthy eating and exercise... you could make that the focus and joke about the additional benefits of being more attractive to each other?

Do you think your sex drive is low?

Don't get me wrong, it may be that you have just stopped fancying your DH but wondered if [like me at times in life] just don;t fancy sex at all?

I have put on weight and would be gutted if DH said he didnlt fancy me.

Thanks for your supportive messages. Maybe it's a mixture of low sex drive and not wanting to have sex with him. Sex drive used to be higher and he was slimmer then - hard to say! Having said that, I'm older, more monthly mood changes, less money, more work etc...Its hard to know why things have changed.
I really don't want to upset him but maybe men are not so concerned about their body image and he could take s bit of well meant criticism??The kids are both active children and I'm a size 10, walk to work 20 mins a day, could do better, but not bad tbh. You're right about the importance of healthy living and that's an area I can work on with him (you will eat these greens!!)
Thanks again for your replies x

I would be careful in telling him outright. That would be a last resort for me. It could really damage his confidence.

How much weight has he put on?

PS I don't have kids and sex 3x a week is pretty rare for us... More like once a week and we DO fancy each other!

I don't think you should tell him you don't fancy him because he has put on weight. A confidence knock like that can be very difficult to come back from. If my DH said that I would never want him to see me naked again and I would spend my time during sex trying to hold my stomach in instead of enjoying myself. Try encouraging him to exercise more and eat better anyway and maybe you could pick an energetic hobby to do together or as a family?

How much weight has he put on? That's a hard one!! I'd say about 2 stone -but all in one place it seems. He should lose it - his BMI is 'overweight' now but he just laughs when I say that. His type must be a doctor's nightmare, never admitting anything's wrong. We should look at hobbies, it's a good idea. I know I'm bottling this up so I don't want it to come out wrong if I do decide to tell him. Thanks for responding!

I would tell him gently that his extra weight is slightly off putting sex wise.
He wouldd probably be horrified by what you have written on here,and reading between the lines,I think if he knew how far your thought process had gone,he would quickly do something about it.

Why dont you turn it around to be more positive,say something like "I miss getting closer to you without the belly in the way" actually thats sounds shit but im sure others may come up with better.

I would tell him & as bluntly as you can - shock him into taking some action.

My friends (d)H is massive, he's been putting weight on for the last 10 yrs & she says she is repulsed by him. Unfortunately she won't tell him so they don't have sex & he is oblivious to the reasons & understandably hurt.

If my friend's husband told her he did not fancy her any more, or want to have sex with her, because she had gained two stone I would be livid on her behalf. Would you stop 'fancying' someone if they lost a leg, a breast? It feels more than a little shallow to be thinking this and as for saying it aloud to him that is beyond cruel.

Sex in a long term marriage is about more than 'fancying'. Intimacy is both a gift and work. Do you feel 'connected' to him in other ways?

Got to say, a two stone weight gain is not that bad. I put that on with my babies and still was pestered for sex. Leaky boobs, wild hormonal eyes and cellutlite not denting his ardour in the slightest!!

Can you suggest taking up some sort of sport and exercise together.....could help you to re-bond together and have fun as a couple.....and then there is the buy product of healthy living.

Is there anything he can do which would make him more desirable other than lose weight (such as make dinner, give you a massage???)? Maybe you're feeling bored?

Byproduct

I wouldn't tell him, especially since you aren't even certain that if he lost weight your sex drive would pick up. I agree you could really hurt him, and you love him, it could ruin your relationship.

I would subtly get rid of all the snacks and pile his plate with veg, suggest lots of walking round castles and stuff at weekends. But if he does the cooking and shopping you might have to tackle him directly. Just font link it to sex. I think that's cruel and you will sound really shallow.

Honestly. If you exercise (ideally together), the endorphin kick could help clear you head and kick start things.

Go careful with what you say to him I think. If you were a man posting that thread you realise you'd be absolutely flamed! I posted a while back that my DH said something similar to me & there was an avalanche of fury on my behalf. 2 stone isn't that much! If you criticise him, human nature being what it is, he'll lose confidence & feel demotivated. I advise you looking at the food shopping & menu plan & take over that for a while. The Clean & Lean Diet by James Duigan is amazing. Sell it as "we both need to detox for the summer - lets do this for a whole & see how we feel?" You'll both feel better for it. My DH & I did it in January after a very toxic Xmas & new year & both got flat(ish) tummies & felt great. Perhaps if you had sex that would burn some calories too?

While!!! Bloody iPhone!