Abuse Myths

[Bobits]

Does anyone agree that much like the 'rape myths', this is not a problem with just the perpetrator and victim?

Abuse victims find it hard to believe what they are experiencing is abuse.

Because an abuser - of women or children is bad,
But an abused woman 'lets the abuse occur'.

And she feels shame for letting it happen. (Which was not her fault).

On society's level - victim blaming is common, to allow 'society' to feel safer.

If he hits you or the kids - 'leave the bastard'
If he's happy enough for you to do the majority of the houswork although unhappy - 'He's not as houseproud.'
Where and when do you draw the line?! Abuse is abuse

Agree.. Victim blaming is everywhere, not just in the court system where it is still rife

'if it was that bad you would have left/called the police sooner'
'But at least he didn't really hurt you'

But isn't the problem also that as you said sometimes the victim does not see abuse as abuse, they think that it was their fault etc etc

So people listening to the victim may unconditionally accept the victims version of events.

the first myth that needs to be busted is that only males can be abusers.

That's very true, BBJ (just look at the number of ghastly mothers and MILs on here!) However, as the majority of posters on this board are female, male-to-female abuse is going to be much more common here so I don't think generally referring to the abuser as "he" and the abused as "she" is too unreasonable. (Saint Lundy of Bancroft makes a case for male-to-female to be the most "genuine" abuse, but, for once, I'm not sure I agree with him.)

I knew XH could be difficult at times but I never even thought of calling it abuse until we were already splitting up (after 23 years!), when my brother sent me a link to a list of abusive behaviours and I realised XH ticked every single box on it. Then a friend pointed me to Mumsnet and I started to read so many other women's accounts of "difficult" partners and it was spooky how many of the arses partners used exactly the same words and actions as XH. It was like there was an abuser's manual. I had already decided to leave him, but it was so validating. And then I stepped back a bit and observed his behaviour like an outsider would, and twigged that he really was doing a fair bit of it on purpose. It was dead embarrassing to admit I'd taken over two decades to see it.

Looking at the very start of our relationship, I can only plead that I must have been blinded by the forest of red flags waving right in front of my face. And after that we had pets and a house and children and anyway "people like us" don't do divorce, we make it work. Hah!

I'll admit I know very little about abuse and myths so will be watching this thread.

Abuse myths that I encountered from police, friends, and myself while I was still in denial:

"If it was so bad then why did you stay?"
MYTH: the victim secretly likes it. or it wasn't really abuse.

"What did you do to cause him to [insert abusive act]?"
MYTH: the victim is responsible for the abuse s/he receives - not the perpetrator.

"So, he hit you?"
MYTH: only abuse resulting in a black eye or broken bones is 'real' abuse.

"You're just as bad as each other."
MYTH: if the victim resists abuse then s/he can no longer be considered a 'real' victim.

"He only did it because he's stressed/unhappy/depressed/had a shit childhood/you drove him to it"
MYTH: the perpetrator is not responsible for his own actions.

People ask why she stayed in an abusive relationship.
People aks why she didn't leave.
People ask why she didn't take better care of herself. First.

Only then do they (maybe) ask why did he abuse/rape.

The burden of responsibility always is passed to her because he failed to do so.
(The opposite is also true - though more uncommon.)

BBJ - The female abuser - male victim is also very sad.
I think the main 'social stigma' attached to this is also rooted in shame.
That the male victim should also never have 'allowed' it.

Abuse of trust within the relationship - is where the problem lies.
An abuser 'wins' when they have the victim under the false belief they are eith them out of love...when it should read love for what the victim can provide them.

I do belief male female abuse is more common - because society has a belief that children are predominantly female's responsibility.
That is why abuse usually starts during pregnancy.

In my opinion.

"You're just as bad as each other."

not always a myth though sadly... :(

Anniegetyourgun
the thread is about the myths surrounding abuse and
by just reffering to the abuser as "He" or "Him" a myth is perptuated.

1 in 4 or 1 in 6 abuse is abuse.

'He/she asked for it'

'It's only a slap'