Insensitive DH RE: miscarriage and friend's new baby

[redbunnyfruitcake]

After my third miscarriage a month ago which resulted in my ending up in hospital for a blood transfusion and a D&C my DH cannot understand why I felt upset when a friend announced the arrival of her baby today. Don't get me wrong I am overjoyed for her as I love her dearly and am so pleased that she had a swift labour and a healthy baby but it was like a kick in the guts for me.

I had a terrible back to back labour, undiagnosed PND, had moved city for his job just prior to the birth, was incredibly lonely and had no-one to share DD's first year with, followed by 2 awful miscarriages. I don't think I am being unreasonable in having some conflicting feelings surely?

Motherhood has been a shock to me and I only just feel like I am enjoying it as DD approaches her third birthday. I just felt sad that I didn't have a nice experience of birth or motherhood. His reaction made me feel like I was being selfish. I would just like to know if anyone else has this kind of problem with their DH/DP and if so what they do about it? He seems unable to deal with my having feelings and it's getting to the point where I'm questioning whether I can continue with somone like this.

I think if you're really struggling psychologically then you should seek professional help. Partners can only empathise so far and it is extremely difficult, bordering on impossible, to precisely understand what's going on when someone is experiencing a traumatised reaction to the level that you describe.

He does sound unsupportive . Your feelings are totally natural.

He might find it helpful to read some miscarriage association stuff, this explains feelings like yours, there is also a good leaflet called "what not to say".

Sorry that you are going through this.

I had several mc after Dd1 (now happily have dd2) and like you found motherhood a shock. It was a very hard time, and hard on our relationship too (my DH was supportive but we had disagreements, for example, about tests/treatment/trying again/putting other things on hold or not).

Good people say some really stupid things about mc, even those closest to us. I still get upset about a couple of comments made by a (loving but a bit dense in this instance) close member of my family, a long time after!

I personally found counselling (on my own) really helpful, it took the pressure off DH and provided good support, also online forums (MN and the mc bit of baby and bump), and getting fertility investigations (if you're in the uk they should ref you on the nhs after 3 mc).

Is he generally OK as a partner or are there other issues?

Dh was not exactly unsympathetic but couldn't immediately see why I was upset when a friend's wife gave birth to her dd after four boys. We have four boys and lost our baby dd to SIDS last October. His attitude was that their good news was unrelated to our terrible grief, that their dd being born was nothing to do with ours having died. I had to explain to him that I didn't begrudge my friend and his wife their dd but that seeing the pictures on FB and even seeing his dw make the same jokes as I had about dd not being allowed to have a boyfriend with all her big brothers, really was a reminder of how much we had lost.
I'm still not sure why he needed it explained, it was pretty obvious to me! But once I did explain it he was sympathetic.

Its very difficult for a partner to understand how you feel completely. Dh didn't get when I was miffed that my cousins ex wife turned up pg claiming it to be my cousins. We had been trying for a year and dh didn't get how desperate I was for a baby, its an irrational feeling and dh is a pretty rational guy. You are not being unreasonable but he isn't either. Dh now (after being together 12 years) just understands that just because my feelings aren't rational they are my feelings and while he often can't make me feel better he can listen and give me a hug. He always though he had to fix my feelings, when they seem irrational he didn't know how and he felt helpless.
Maybe you need a similar converstation with your dh.

Chipmonkey I am so sorry for your loss. You make an excellent point. Some people can just separate their own feelings about something that has happened to them. Some people don't get that things like this, for some of us a reminder of what we have lost.

Sorry I have just thought of another example. Dh was annoyed his grandparents had no reaction to the news I was pg with their first great grandchild. I did, his grandmother suffered many mc, some very late. They ended up adopting dhs mum. As far as he was concerned it had nothing to do with me being pg. IPhone of us genetically linked to them, so there was nothing more to worry about than a normal pg. However I knew they were terrified we would suffer the same loss, that their heart break ran so deep it had an effect 50 some tears later. When I explained he got it. He just didn't associate my pg with anything they had experienced.

Have no idea why 'none' was changed to iPhone.

Thank you everyone your replies have helped me be a bit more rational and forgiving. I have to go out now but didn't want to leave without replying. I'm afraid DH is supportive in every other way but emotionally and I think it is a problem that has been highlighted to him many times before and not just by me. Maybe I do need to sit down and talk it through with him because I just assume that he would understand even though he has never experienced it himself and I do a very good impression of coping. He is a lovely kind and generous person but is a bit emotionally distant so it is definitely something that needs to be worked on in our relationship.