Advice on helping mum

[raspberrytipple]

Hi, I need some advice on how to approach some problems with my mum, I'm not really even sure where to start. She's been on anti depresents for a good few years now but seems to be losing the plot a bit, acting weird, one minute hyper and over the moon, the next wanting to pick a fight with everyone. She told me three nights ago she'd jacked in her job - hadnt bothered to talk to dad about it. I said dad would be angry and she said no he'd be really happy (he's just retired but mum is only 53 so way off retirement really). She then rang the next night and said oh dads really happy I've given up work, its much better like this. I spoke to dad this morning and he's fuming, he's on a pension so wanted some income to the household until he can find PT work and also wanted some space from mum!!

She's incredibly passive aggressive about everything and obsessive about my 16 year old brother who has severe learning disabilities. My dad condfided this morning that he's not sure he can take much more, it came to a head a few weeks ago when she tried to pick a fight, he went to walk away and she pulled him back and punched him in the face. He has the patience of an angel and basically ended up shutting her in the dining room to stop her attacking him. He said he came extremely close to hitting her back though which is why he feels he's losing the battle with it all now.

Sometimes she just stops taking her tablets, she drinks a hellava lot, eats way too much, lies, spends money like its water etc. it's only 5 months ago that my dad paid off over 18k of debt and she already has more on credit cards, he's had to take everything off her now. She says one thing to me, another to my dad and plays us off against one another, saying that the other is demanding something or is annoyed about something when really its a load of tosh, she thrives on drama and picking fights, we have no relationship with most of her side of the family because at one point or another she's got nasty and written them a shitty letter slagging them off and saying how pathetic they are.

She just lives in a dream world and we really don't know what to do. I'm so close to falling out with her because her attitude just stinks but I know that won't help anything because I think she is genuinely having mental health issues and I want her to be happy so I want to help but I just don't know where to start. I've Asked her several times to speak to the doctor who mum gets on well with and I even rang the dr myself (used to be my dr so I know her of old) to ask for help. They rang and asked her to come in for a chat but mum when I spoke to her after made light of it all saying the dr just agrees that my dad is a miserable old git and it's all his fault. Can't imagine the dr saying that for one second. I asked her to think about counselling and she just started laughing hysterically and said how silly I was, (in a really creepy way, really scared me the way she reacted and it was after that I rang the dr).

So, how should we approach this? Should I get me dad and dr together and try and talk to her? Talk to her alone or ......I really just don't know but it's making my poor dad ill and my little brother is just being suffocated beyond belief, its so upsetting.

Sorry this is so long, just had to get it off my chest. Should also say that this has only kicked off in the last four years but there is no trigger as such that I can think of.

Does sound a lot like a mental health crisis. And it's pretty typical for the sufferer to not see the problem, stop taking the medication etc. If you know the GP and your dad is happy to team up then I think you need to make a concerted effort to get her at least a diagnosis.

Thanks, I'm just struggling with the approach at the moment, I think I might give the dr another ring next week. I hate going behind mums back which is how it feels but I'm sure she's losing control

I once had to go behind a relative's back when I suspected she was suffering from a mental breakdown. The GP called round, diagnosed her with paranoid schizophrenia on the spot, she was hospitalised, treated, stabilised and now enjoys a reasonably normal life. Sometimes, when a person is behaving as irrationally as you describe, you have to take the decision out of their hands.

You need to speak to the doctor and tell them how serious it is. She is abusing your dad. Not just the hitting but financially. If this was your dad doing it everyone would advise she should leave. Its not right for him to live like this. I am so sorry its come to this. I am not saying he should leave, but he isn't safe. You need to tell the doctor, the effect its having on your dad and your brother. I am sorry but she is abusing them both.
I really feel for you, my mum has been similar in the past. Very up and down. Its so hard. My mum quite like the drama of being mentally ill. Loves telling anyone who will listen about how hard life is and how dramatic being sectioned is. I sound awful, I know. But she likes being ill because of the attention it gives her. She likes being able to say 'its not my fault I have been offensive, ignorant, rude I have mental health problems' then will admit she does it because she can. Her dad is the same. The advantage to this is that getting her to a doctor isn't an issue.
She only went to a counsellor because she found out work would allow her time off, dad said if she didn't go then he would divorce her as he suspected she would take time off but not go. One of us went and waited for her. But tbh it really helped and it was only after about 5 or 6 sessions she realised what was happening and a few sessions after that starting making amends. She was quite depressed around this time, i believe it was because reality was setting in and she understood what impact her actions were having on us all. On the up side, its been a quiet few years. :)

Oh and mum drinks alot (again like her dad) it really doesn't help. You can she her starting to slip when she has drank too much or some for a few days. It annoys me when she goes to her caravan with her elder sister. She encourages her to drink. Then I start getting shitting texts off my aunt, saying how mum is so much more fun when drunk. I have told her to never to text me again. Mum gets embarrassed as she knows why I don't like her drinking. Although now mum has recognised the effects and her drinking is quite rare now. Thinking about mum and her sisters all love a bit of drama and falling out. I blame their dad.

You are right, will have a chat with dad, see what he feels most comfortable doing. I don't want to put him in a situation where he's uncomfortable about what's happening but I'm worried he'll have a breakdown if we don't do something soon. Thanks corgito

Is this totally out of character for mum, or has she had mental health problems in the past?

Thanks Dprince, I think mum likes the drama too much. Dad said she spends hrs watching Jeremy Kyle/soaps etc and I really think she's begun to think that's how real life should be? I've never encountered anything like it. Her drinking can be embarrassing when we go out as a family. She was told not to drink at Christmas because she was taking medication and had a stomach ulcer or something and was nearly hospitalised.

We went to a family party where barely anyone was drinking bar the odd glass of wine. Dad said perhaps she could drive as she was not supposed to drink and she kicked up such a horrific stink it was awful. She ended up downing two bottles of wine all to herself. They went to a summer party last summer, again not a lot of big drinkers, but downed a fair bit and ended up having to go home to be sick, she made a real scene and those neighbours have never invited them back. Last year they had a summer party and some friends of mine came, one friend offered to carry a tray of food out and mum then spent the night treating her and my other friend like caterers while yelling at me and getting pissed.

I don't know why I'm listing everything, could be here for days but I guess I'm just shocked at how bad it's got

Friday there is no history of mental health issues in the family, mum hasnt had the easiest of times in the past but really in the last few years it's been pretty settled yet this seems to be getting worse now?

was just thinking of things it could be. It could be alcohol related, depression or something else.
The bit about spending money, eating too much, drinking too much and irrational behaviour with others made me wonder if she could have something like frontal temporal dementia, FTD. It can make people very disinhibited, do irrational things, have poor judgement, poor social skills etc, memory not usually affected initially.
Often diagnosed as depression or mid-life crisis or marital problems. Would be worth googling and seeing if you see any similarities.

Sometimes listing things all in one go makes you realise how bad it is. It maybe the best thing to help your dad and you make a decision on what you are doing. My mum also spends hours watching jk and soaps. She talks endlessly about them even though I haven't watched a soap since I moved out 11 years ago. :)

I've not heard of that but it does feel like manic depression or even bi polar but like I say my only experience of stuff like that is from watching that Kerry katona documentary and jean on eastenders so I really know nothing.

I wonder whether she's suppressed issues from many many years in order to cope with the difficult times that now its a bit quieter and less stressful that it's all coming out now?

It also sounds like manic bi-polar. (I'm not a mental health professional.) Phases can be very long. I know someone who went tremendously manic after 20 years depressed and 20 years stable, though that's an exceptionally long cycle. Sounds like you and Dad need to talk with her doctor again. Good luck!

Well, will see what tomorrow brings. Perhaps if we sit down and have a chat with her gently she might be willing to have some counselling if she knows we are all worried.

well, things have taken a bit of a turn. Mum calmed down a bit but yesterday we found out dad might have cancer, in fact I'd be very surprised if it isn't, just waiting for some final tests on Monday to see where we go from here. Ive had a chat with him today and he's just hit rock bottom, doesn't sleep, is so stressed he feels like crying. Mum is now trying to be really nice and caring but has spent the best part of two or three weeks screaming and shouting about various things because she wanted to go on holiday then demanded they come back 48 hrs later, wanted new furniture, wanted to know about what savings he had left etc.

Ive asked mum now to go and see the dr just because the next few months could be very hard and she needs to be fully in control to support dad. m pretty sure it fell on deaf ears because she just glared at me like a child then changed the subject. I feel like banging my head against a brick wall because it would achieve more. I just don't know what to do

I don't know what to say, you poor thing.

There's two things that strike me.

You still need to plough ahead and alert mental health services for your mum, she sounds like she is really going downhill and having a crisis, the manic laughter, inappropriate reactions, totally out of control. I recognise the signs and you can contact the GP and mental health team yourself.

Secondly, you need to get some support for yourself at this really difficult time. Do you have good friends, a partner, another relative that you can turn to, you really need as much help and support as possible.

I hope you find a way forward, you really have so much on your plate right now.

Thank you mumsy, I have a wonderful husband who dad also gets on well with and will confide in too. We have some good friends, a few know we are having problems with mum but it's so difficult to know where to start. I'm hoping that she will go to the dr, if nothing else but to chat as they get on well. I will give them a call again too and see if I can speak to dr too.

Actually I hadn't thought of it before but my mum used to be very close to my aunty (her ex SIL). We spoke a few weeks ago and my aunty asked if there were any problems as the small amount of contact mum has made with her has been odd and my aunty has called a number of times but mum has not returned the call but I wonder whether mum might listen to her. I will have a think about that, it may seem a bit more real coming from someone else.