Anyone ever given up a dream to be with their partner?

[knotalot]

Didn't realise there was a relationship forum. I posted this on Step parents, but thought its better suited here. Please don't go on about the DNA test as I beat myself up enough about it.

Hi, I split up with my partner a couple of months ago. We had an amazing relationship and the decision was so difficult.
Since traveling to New Zealand in 1999 I've always wanted to go back, preferably to live there. My ex partner has 5 children (youngest 4, eldest 17) and understandably wants to be close to his kids, therefore wouldn't consider moving. This is also a chance he is not the youngest childs bio father. This is something we discussed and he was deciding whether to do a dna test before we split up. That formed part of my reason for splitting up, I felt it was a lot for him to do and it was my fault that the whole dna thing had come up.

So we split up because of circumstance rather than anything bad. I suppose deep down I know I have done the right thing but I am finding it really hard.

Feel like I'm either trying to figure out a compromise or thinking may be it could work in the future when things may have changed (I'm going to NZ for a month to volunteer, try to see what its like to live there and if i like it. Eldest kids may move on etc).

Anyway, I just wanted to see if anyone has given up their dream to be with their partner and how they feel about it now. Or did you leave your partner and have never looked back? I've got to embrace one decision and go with it, its just deciding which is the right decision.

Thanks

Oh, I have no children of my own so it would be just me moving.

I've never been in that position of having to choose but I know if my feelings for the man and future of the relationship were strong enough it would trump my dream.

Do you mind me asking what age you are, knot?

I would't say I gave up a dream to be with my DH, but I think in a way I gave up a different sort of life. Mainly I'm fine with it, but now and again I do wonder "what could have been."

One of the reasons I don't feel too badly about it, is that I feel I had done a fair bit of living before I met him. I know I made the right decision, but I think everyone wonders about what different paths they might have taken.

Step parenting that many DC with that age range is a huge deal, especially with other stuff happening, maybe was all just too much.

Don't beat yourself up re the dna thing, it can't possibly be your fault! If any doubt about paternity it's his ex's fault and the OM!

Sounds like you need some space and testing out NZ sounds like a good way to see how you feel when you actually pursue your dream!

I can't say I have given up a specific dream. But I had my life planned out which did not include getting married before 30. I married dh at 20. So there you go. We are still together and have found our dreams are know joint dreams. In our situation though there were no kids to consider. If one of us would have wanted to live abroad we would have gone as nothing held us here. We have 2 kids now and I would still go if dh wanted to. But its different if you are leaving kids behind, but it sounds like you understand that. The DNA test in not your fault.

I understand you are not giving up a dream and have thus split form your partner?

A few years back I have chosen to move far away to study and my then boyfriend couldn't handle it and we split up. I am very glad I followed my dream! But it was a no-brainer in a way.

Today my marriage is on the rocks because I am pregnant and my husband doesn't want the baby. So in a way I am not giving up this up this baby for my partner. Not sure if this counts though. Not sure if I will live to regret this or not. It is bloody hard following this path.

Good luck for you!

Knot: NEVER, EVER give up on your dream to be in a relationship. Never.

I am serious. You were put on this earth to fulfil YOUR potential, find out who YOU are, live YOUR life. To give these things up for 'love' is just a bit too co-dependent.

Look at how complicated that partner is. Too many children, too many entanglements. Think 5 years down the line.

Go to NZ, live your dream, develop yourself. There is no experience that is wasted. It might move on to other things, you might realise you want to come back home.

And, you might find someone who has the same attributes of this man that you like so much - but he might be unattached, unencumbered and want to share all of himself with you.

Go for it, develop yourself and leave this complicated man behind. Really.

The reason I tell you this with so much earnestness, is that I am 53 and only just starting to do this, having lived my life through other people for too long.

You see, putting 'a relationship'/the needs of others before your own, making them more important than what you need to do? Is a form of hiding. It is dependent.
Don't do it!

Thanks for your replies. Mermaid101 - I'm 34, he's 36 on Wednesday.

I started to feel OK bout it all, but I cant help think that may be my friends opinions on my relationship influenced my decision. I've always loved the idea of living in NZ, but in the years that I knew my ex as a friend my dream was to be with him. The relationship was amazing and I cant help but think I've made the biggest mistake in letting go of that for a place that i loved 13 yrs ago.
I think this whole not sure phase started last sunday, we went to a meeting and when we left he tried to kiss me (he had had a few drinks and I know he becomes really soppy after a few, he can't hide his feelings and it all comes out). I backed off and gave him a hug. Then on friday we text and he was a bit confusing bout us seeing each other, so i asked him to be honest and he said that whilst it was nice to see me it hurt so much afterwards. He wants to see me because I make any room bright, but thats the same reason why he cant see me, cause he misses it.
After all of that, he had never shown this since we split and it kinda helped me to be strong over the split, I put my heart on the table and told him that I thought I'd made a big mistake and my dream of being with him was stronger than the NZ dream. He basically said that although it still really hurts he'd accepted the split and that because of past experiences he would not be willing to give it another go. I told him he can't compare what we had to what his ex wife was like (they split up for a couple of months and got back together. I'm not sure how long into the relationship that was but they split because she had an affair after 10yrs of marriage) and he said he wasn't but he can't risk me feeling like this again in the future. Told him I can't accept what he says until he tells me to my face as everything is easy over the phone, so we will be meeting on Tues sometime.
I'm just so confused over the whole thing, I now truly dont know whether i've done the right thing. Feel like crap.

I did,I was about to move to Spain with dd and live my longed for bohemien lifestyle. Had flat.job,school place and had learned the language.

I gave it all up for dh but then he became my new dream so I didnt mind.

Knot - go to NZ. I had similar situation and I now know his not wanting to give it another go wasn't because of past hurt it because he'd already moved on to someone else and didn't have the guts to tell me. Don't risk putting yourself through that - follow your dream and take control.

ledkr - How did u know that staying was the right thing to do? This is so like me, but i dont have the job/flat etc nor do i even have entry to the country granted. I feel like its a whimsical dream of mine but being apart from him hurts so much. Being with him was my dream for so long and when we finally got together I was beyond happy. Everybody felt that I was giving up so much to be with him and there was no compromise on his part. But he was supporting me volunteering, submitted court orders to get a more fair arrangement over contact with the kids (he has them every weekend, we used to get a fri and sat off once a month), even though it hurts him so much to see less of them but he understands that he (and we) needed time to have a life outside the children. I did need to kick him up the backside to submit the orders, he was concerned about the kids being interviewed etc, cus of their ages. He cooks, cleans, does the little jobs that need doing etc etc. He is an amazing person, the best i've ever known.

Go to NZ.
Your relationship with him might end, your experience in NZ will always stay with you.
His 5 children will always come before you.
What if you want to have children of your own in the future?
If it is meant to be, he will still be here.

Because I loved him,pure and simple. I was older than you, 39,had 4 dc by exh who had left me after 18 yrs,had had breast cancer and abit of a hard life (no violins please) haha. In all that time I had never met anyone who loved me so much and made me feel so special and safe. I could not contemplate my life without him and he is younger so not ready to give up his career which I understand as he has pension tied up in it.

I will never know unless it goes wrong whether it was the right thing to do but 5 years later aia love him more and we have a lovely life topped off by the birth of our dd against all odds last year.

I do sometimes think about it but I had no choice,i couldnt have just left him,it wasnt an option.

He really is one in a million though and we travel a lot and live a full life so the sacrifice wasnt so great.

Also he had no baggage so your choice is different.

Good luck.

If he has decided that he can't get back together with you after the split, then you haven't really got the choice, have you?
In which case, you might as well pursue your dream to NZ, if you can get the visa sorted out - no point hanging around for the bloke if he's not willing.

I haven't exactly given up a dream, more my whole life for my DH. I had a good business, own home, family and friends in the UK and gave it all up to move to Australia with him and our son. I miss what I had sometimes, but here is mostly good too (except today which has been shite) - but should anything go wrong, I'm now stuck here because I wouldn't leave without DS and DH wouldn't let me take him.

I gave up the very happy life I had for DH's dream (in order to move with DH back to his own country with our two DCs, as he claimed that the reason he was passive and uninvolved was because he didn't feel in control living in a country where he didn't master the language or fit into the culture properly.)

DH and DCs are very happy indeed living where we live and I am happy that my kids are happy. I have made some lovely friends here, but it's not my home and I feel like an outsider, plus am struggling to get a job and have some financial independence.

Don't honestly know whether I'd do it again, it's so full of mixed feelings, because the DC love it here and it's not just about me or him because the DCs are involved too. That's what stops me going home on the bad days. The only thing, because, surprise surprise, DH didn't become any less passive, or more involved when he moved back home.