I dont know what to do anymore...

[tennesseyhennessey]

Im so tired i feel sick, dc2 has been ill for 3 nights running, i have done all the getting up and settling then getting me dc1+2 up and ready for work/school/nursery. DH has just left me to it getting up just as we need to leave to offer a lift. He took some leave and was off from last friday, went in tues,wed and is off again until a late shift tonight, i have worked all but sunday. Not once has he helped me with the kids in the morning, helping me get them dressed or even just letting me have an extra hour in bed when he's been off. I never expect any help when he's working as 'his job is more important and stressful' than mine. Its always beenm l;ike this since we had the children.
And now im sneaking this post in panicking at work because as i left at 9am, i told him he HAD to get up as i was leaving and i ended up having to just go ensuring the kids were playing in their room, stairgate across the stairs, and now his phone is dead and he's not answering house phone, im panicking he's still sleeping in bed whilst the dc (5&2) are left up to it.
I dont think i can do this anymore, but the thought of not seeing my children everyday fills me with dread. He can be so wonderful and then so...i dont even know what the word is but i cant trust him with the children. Im constantly walking on hot coals, dreading him getting up, wondering if he's going to be nice or snappy. He has been diagnosed with depression not so long ago but after he finished 6 weeks of anti-depressants he just stopped saying he was fine and didnt need them.
I dont know what im asking, im just in a state as i have no idea how my children are.

I am so sorry

This situation is intolerable

If this were me, I would feign sickness at work. Go home. Ask him to leave. See your GP and get signed off for stress. During that time, look into how you can manage without him with the help of family, friends and The State.

Maybe it'll bring him to his senses, maybe it won't.

The fact is though, you cannot carry on like this.

I'm with HerMaj. You shouldn't be worrying about your children's care whilst they are with their dad.

I'd be telling him to shape up or ship out. Look at all the options available to you if he were to leave.

Why would you not see your children?

Thank you for your replies and kind words. I was worried id get a 'stop getting hysterical' answer! Ive been sat here working out finances and i think i can manage financially without him.
He'd no doubt move back to where he's from and the not seeing the children stems from him obviously having parental rights to seeing them, but i feel so anxious at the thought of that. He's not used to getting up with them and gets irritable quite quickly with them. The thought of them spending a weekend with a dad who gets cross and fed up with them so quickly would brake my heart, ive been that child.

First off...lots of people suffer with depression. It's very common. Most of those people are not awful to their spouses, as a result of it. Don't imagine that it contributes to his current behaviour. It doesn't. He is being very selfish.

You are right to consider your options here.

Sorry you are in this position OP! Sounds like a really tough week with no real support or back up. No one takes anti-depressants for six weeks - he will presumably have been diagnosed with depression, given a prescription and told to come back for a review. He has decided instead he doesn't need them and not bothered to go back for more. I think a swift kick up the backside is needed so he gets the message that it's not an option to stay, do nothing and not help himself with his depression.

i ended up taking the kids and staying at my mums last night nothing unuausl as i sometimes stay there when hes working. He went to work at 6pm but its only when i didnt answer when he tried to call at 10pm he twigged something was wrong. i said i needed to sort my head out and heard nothing else from him until he text to ask why i was moody with him. I didnt want to do it by text but i told him why. when we got home today about an hour before he was due at work he pretty much ignored me.

I had to ask him if he was going to talk to me, i said again that i was tired and fed up, his response was, 'how is it my fault'. I said he'd had 2 days off on the nights that dc2 was ill and that he could have helped, the look of horror on his face at that suggestion. He said he does his fair share by giving us lifts in the mornings when he's off or on days, that he cleans the house everyday (he's very anal about mess and hoovers everyday whereas i would do it as and when) washing, pots etc but i said i do my share of that as well., which i do.

He called me a martyr and that he wasnt going to have this discussion when he was on his way to a job he hates. I asked if it was a case of put up or shut up, the lack of response gave me my answer.

I really dont know what to do, i spoke to my mum and obviously she's on my side and that i shouldnt have to put up with it. But looking from his point of view am i asking too much asking him to help me in the mornings?

Thank you if you've got this far x

Have put the kids to bed and now just sat here crying like an idiot.

Well, first of all I wouldn't worry for a minute that you'll have shared care (as in 50-50) as I don't think he would want that anyway.

Secondly a lot of men don't see their children overnight - through their choice.

Thirdly, he is treating you in a very selfish and lazy way. You can't possibly share your life with him if you don't trust him to care for your children.

What would life be like without him? Can you picture it?

You're right he wouldnt go for 50/50 care, but he has said before he'd have the kids, he knows it sends me into a blind panic when he says that.

But is he treating me selfishly, am i asking too much of him i just dont know? He's made me feel guilty because i know he hates his job and resents me for loving mine, and for being on a lower wage so not bringing much monwy in. However my job enables me to work around the kids and so he doesnt have to get up. Things may be different if he were to be in a job he loves but we cant affordhis wage to go down.

I love him so much and worry that i will regret leaving him forever, when things are good they're great. Life without him would be more relaxed i guess. As a family it wouldnt make much difference as we do virtually nothing together. The last time we went somewhere as a family was in the easter holidays.

hello again

am not sure if you are still around

but are we forgetting the elephant in the room here ? When you first posted you were in a blind panic about your children's physical safety

that has fuck all to do with him being in a job he hates as opposed to a job he likes, that is to do with him being a shit parent and one not fit to look after his own kids

you can explain that away all you like, but the fact remains you don't trust him with your dc

how can a relationship like that work ?