Hi - a quick history, my partner and I got pregnant very quickly - after about 7 months. Both older - 40's - and both wanted to have a child. To be truthful, I thought I would love pregnancy and be happy and relaxed that I had finally achieved my goal. I do love being pregnant, it has been a rollercoaster experience and hormonally challenging, but I have enjoyed the feelings of surrendering to the pregnancy - what I haven't loved is my partner and his behaviour. He has changed nothing about his life. He works 5 days a week for a low wage - he changed jobs and took a wage cut because he needed a 'new challenge' and he did this after he discovered I was pregnant. He dj's in the evenings - originally 2 nights a week, Friday and Saturday but has taken on a third night, Thursday, to make up his wage loss. He does Kung Fu on a Wednesday. I never see him, we spend no quality time together - he refuses - and I am hurt and upset by this.
At the weekend he spends most of his time sleeping/watching tv - tv is an obsession - he can sit through 6-7 hours straight and do nothing else. He refuses to clean and yet refuses to get a cleaner - he will not pay for one. He is congenitally messy - he has a wardrobe and his clothes sit all over the floor/chair/bed outside the wardrobe, dirty socks on the kitchen counter next to fresh food - it is bad. He does the laundry - but only his own - when I asked why he said 'that way I can keep on top of it'. He refuses to have sex with me and has done throughout the whole pregnancy on the grounds that I am 'spiky'. I worked throughout the whole of the second trimester in 16 hour a day, 6 day a week jobs to earn enough to keep me going after the baby is born. Whenever there is an 'important' discussion to be had regarding finances/ planning/ baby stuff - he refuses to engage. Going to scans became an argument every time - waking him up, checking he was getting dressed, getting him to the scan on time, explaining that I was missing work too, not just him, and it was a necessary sacrifice to make and thats scans should be fun. He has taken to refusing to speak - even one word - and comes in, ignores me, goes about his business - eating, making a mess after him that he never cleans up and then sleeping.
He now sleeps in a separate bedroom in my house, despite me asking him not to. He refuses to talk to me on a daily basis, telephone calls are always initiated by me and result in him hanging up. He tells me he is moving out on a daily basis and I am having such difficulty planning the birth and afterwards as I dont think I can do this alone. I have asked my mum and brother to be my birth partners, but am deeply disappointed that he so desperately wanted a child and yet refuses to engage/deal with the reality of the situation. He used to pull a face and make noises when I asked him to come to the hypnobirthing and antenatal classes that I booked after asking him if he would definitely come with me and do them.
I dont know what to do anymore. I suspect he has ADHD - but he refuses to speak about it or see anyone, although his sister explained that he suffered it as a child.
I feel as if I have a belligerent teenager on my hands most of the time. I have a living room being stocked with baby stuff, nappies, newborn clothing, pram etc etc - none of which he has contributed to at all. He has organised nothing for the baby or the babies arrival, prepared nothing in the flat - he has turned what was the office and due to become the nursery into a pigsty that he sleeps in. I am due in 7 weeks and am really at a loss. I have spent the pregnancy thinking things will change - first when he saw me getting bigger, then when the reality we are having a baby hits him and now it is when the baby arrives.
What experiences do others have and can anyone out there relate to this?
I have spent most of my time angry and disappointed at this lack of support and questioning myself as I have been hormonal and up and down. He constantly blames me for not being 'myself' and his answer to anything that needs discussing is 'chill out'.
How do I coparent a child with someone I cannot discuss anything with intelligently or who refuses to make any sacrifices or compromises?
This cannot be normal male behaviour, can it????