someone please give me a slap

[fantasyworld]

not sure where to begin, changed name as really embarrassed. I am married to a lovely man, he thinks the world of me and loves DD to bits. He made some wrong choices work-wise a while ago which have meant that for the past three years things have been pretty tough financially, and we have been through some difficult times with him feeling utterly depressed and me feeling taken for granted, exhausted and bitter. Since making various protestations, he seems to have finally taken what I was taking on board, and I have noticed that lately he is really trying to be more attentive, e.g. doing stuff around the house without me needing to nag, asking about my day, even cooking occasionally. He really is a lovely person who loves us so much, however...lately I have been doubting whether I still love him. I have a lot of affection for him and he is the father of my child, but I don't know if I feel for him the same way I did when we married. He has changed a lot, his confidence plunged and he went from being a supportive, attentive partner to someone who needs a lot of support and attention themselves (which I have given unconditionally, but had to draw a line once we had our baby). I think he is now starting to get some of his confidence back...and just as he is doing that, I am starting to doubt my feelings. He's sensed something is off and has been asking me outright if I still love him. I don't know what to say. If I say I don't know, he will be crushed and where will that leave either of us?I just don't know how to move on from this rut. Advice please?

I don't know if this helps, but I have found that sometimes, it's only when you are through the tough times and they are feeling better, that you can release some of your anger about how awful things were over the past few years. I wonder if you've saved up all those negative feelings, and now he's more able to handle it, you are letting them loose.

It could be you've irreparably grown apart, but the fact you say your doubt has come as his confidence is coming back makes me think this is more of a reactive thing. I think you need to get your frustration and anger out, to friends, to a counsellor, to him (as he must acknowledge how difficult it was for you). You may then find you can relate more as equals. Or not. Who knows?

it did strike me as well mumsy. dunno. he does know I have found it difficult these last three years, tbh I don't know if I want to go on about it at him. I am just so frustrated, all men in my life eventually let me down, from my father onwards. I thought he was different and I was disappointed, but maybe I should give it another try. deep down I feel that I have taken some vows, I can't just give up at the first hurdle...I SHOULD try harder. I just don't know if I want to.

Take your time.You are now in a different new phase of your marriage.See how it all pans out.Good luck.
Agree with what Mumsyblouse says.
You probably dont feel the same for him right now as you did when you were married.Marriages go through different phases,according to me,anyway!
I agree that you have a difficult problem about the I love you bit.
FWIW I think you still do love him,its all just a bit wobbly for now.
If it is true,you could say "I think I do"
He should be able to understand that.
And be gentle with each other.

I think there is a lot of unrealistic pressure to 'feel in love' these days. Love is a verb - ie, it's something you do first, and feel after. The feeling of being in love is a happy consequence of your (joint) actions towards each other, rather than existing all by itself IYSWIM.

I think you are probably going through a release of pent up emotion as other posters have said, but that's not necessarily a sign of the end of your relationship unless you decide to stop investing in the relationship at the same time. Don't underestimate the impact of transferring your general frustrations ("all the men in my life let me down") onto one, specific man. He isn't all the men in your life, he's your DP and while he will have his faults like anyone, he isn't your dad or anyone else.

Perhaps if you think about what you really want from your relationship and then actively try and create it with him, the feelings will all come back and your marriage will reach a new, deeper level rather than fizzling out - I think lots of your post sounds really positive, you clearly still like him and have stuck together through tough times, so I doubt all is lost!

thank you for your replies, sorry I disappeared but had busy jubilee weekend with relatives. DH has been lovely, affectionate and attentive. I think there are a lot of wise words in the posts above, chocoraisin it is interesting what you say about investing in the relationship, that is exactly what I need to do, I just need to muster up the energy. anyway we had a chat yesterday and I asked him not to ask me if I love him for a little while, that I feel we are going through a transition and I hope it's a positive one, but for the time being I just want to "be" for a little while...I guess only time will tell. thanks again for taking the time to reply. this isn't something I feel I can talk about with my friends, we have a lot of friends in common and I feel people think we are "the perfect couple"...anyway like I said, probable only time will tell. x

Glad you have had the talk.Good luck for the future

I made choice about 4 years ago which has cost me financially and therefore had some impact on morale at home. We are still well off but DW job is no longer optional. I think that I responded well and I am fighting back but have to live with the guilt about how much more savings we might have had.

I fight off the negative vibe by thinking about all the other scenarios of bad luck that we have avoided. I also know that that I made reasonable choice given info available at the time.....however I must take responsibility for not making my contract water tight and paying the price for that.....but You have to focus on what good luck you have had and less on the bad luck

I wonder if you're finding it particularly tough because you actively sought someone who wouldn't let you down and you think your dh has? Of course rationally you know that everyone lets you down at some point but emotionally that can be harder to accept and move on from. Perhaps you need to resolve how you feel about your father so you're not bringing those emotions to the table IYSWIM.