It doesn't look like we can get couples counselling

[marykat2004]

Sorry if I am boring people and posting too much. I don't really have an outlet. My friends have their own problems, and though I do speak with them, I can't always bother them.

So, DH relapsed on drinking (after 2.5 years sober). He's been sober 3 weeks now. The relapse was not massive, ie not drinking all the time but sneaking over a period of a few months. He's been grieving for his father (died in September) and been in counseling about 10 months, for depression probably related to heart failure. He's going to meetings and seeing an alcohol counsellor.

I went with him to his counsellor a few weeks ago (the one he's seen for 10 months). We both found it very helpful being in a neutral room with a neutral person. So, we decided to try to get some couples counseling.

I have talked to 2 people at the alcohol advisory place. But they seem to think that because DH was 'dry' for nearly 3 years and yet we still had issues (I have issues with his lack of interest in DD), that our 'issues' were not purely to do with alcohol. So they said we should see a family counseling service.

So, then the alcohol of family counseling people phoned me yesterday and said they want to talk to CAMS. DD has had trouble in school and was referred to CAMS several months ago, which really made both me and her feel uncomfortable. We saw them once in January, explaining that DH's health problems and bereavement were affecting the family. We saw them again in April and we said that things had improved. But the school seems to still have a problem with DD being too quiet, so they said we might see the CAMS lady at the school.

I feel like such a mess but I have no choice but to button my lip. DH is not going to go to CAMS as he has his own problems to deal with (bereavement, his brother's suicide which was 20 years ago but he never got over, his heart problems, his alcohol) so I can't be dragging him into DD's problems.

We can't afford private counseling so I don't know what to do.

thanks for listening.

On the CAMHS issue, this is not about you. When you're a parent you have to put your own fears, prejudices and neuroses on one side occasionally. It's 2012, not the 1980's. They do not take seven year-olds off to institutions because they are a little withdrawn in class. Rather than assuming the worst, go and talk to school about what exactly they think may be wrong and how they plan to address it. Ignorance breeds fear. Information sheds light.

On the relationship issue, that is principally about you but also about your DD. If you are quite happy in your relationship and happy with your child being withdrawn, stick around.

I agree denial and control. Let camhs help you are in so much of a spin yourself it is completely ridiculous to suggest your daughter will be absolutely fine.

Listen to the school. Your H won't want "outside" involvement in case his behaviour is challenged.

Being 15 years married isn't an ideal thing if you/DD are unhappy and dominated by your DH's alcoholism, health issues and behaviour.

Your mistrust is understandable, but DD getting help from CAMHS doesn't mean a "problem" label or making things worse. Your cousins' problems were much, much more likely due to their home life than the involvement of outside services.

You sound like you're in denial, enabling your DH, and wanting your daughter to do likewise, and regard your DH as much more important than DD .Sorry to be harsh, but that's how it comes across in your posts.

You need to get over yourself and open up your family to the scrutiny of people who can help your DD. They could help you too if you would let them.

You cannot hold your child hostage like this in order to protect your comfort zone. Right now the message you and your DH are both telling your DD is that the family secret, his addiction, and your shame and pride and fear all come before her wellbeing.

I am doing all I can to for my child. I am deeply offended that you think I am putting this man's needs before hers.

If he is unreliable, untrustworthy, and ill, and can only manage 30 minutes a day of talking with her (with me in the flat with them) then that is better than me just walking out and her wondering why she never sees her father any more. Because if I leave with her, he will not be in her life at all. She wants her daddy in her life. He participated a lot more in her childhood before the heart trouble. Over the last 3 years he has done less and less. The drinking re-lapse was the last straw. If he drinks again we walk out. But still - before that, when she was younger, I was working and DH took her to soft play and all that. It is deeply sad that he can no longer do much of anything to do with her. BUt he can sit with her drawing in the flat. And that is better for her than no father at all.

I do DD's homework with her, take her on outings, meet up with other children. I read to her every night. I cook her breakfast (how many mums make PANCAKES by hand every morning? I'm not making her go and find her own cold bowl of cereal. I am sure that some mums do let 7 year olds get their own breakfast.). I show her as much love and attention as I can. We do A LOT together, DD and me.

DD's behaviour at home improved a lot this year after I gave up my one evening of voluntary work a week. I keep a good bedtime routine with her. Prior to this year she had problems with fussy eating (or not eating at all) and refusing to go to bed.

When we meet new people DD is opening up a lot more, the last 2 or 3 months or so. (We were called into CAMHS at the end of last year when FIL died, and that was when she was withdrawn at school).

I will ask tomorrow how things are going at school. The CAMHS worker is starting work in DD's school so I will see what she says.

You sound all about structure, routine and stuff actually. Not once in that post did you mention her feelings and that I think may be the problem.

What do you mean by her feelings? Do you mean doing what DD feels like doing rather than what I've planned for her? She has lots of say in what she does. Her feelings are considered. We talk about what we are going to do. Sometimes we don't go out if DD doesn't feel like it. But I don't give in to her every whim. Should I?

We have plenty of hugs and "I love you" if that's what you mean? There was certainly none of that when I was growing up, no one ever hugged anyone back then.

And with all the time I spend with DD I hardly spend any time with DH. So I don't see how that is putting his needs before hers. I always think about what is best for her, not what's best for him. It leaves little time for his needs.

I very much doubt if that was what Offred had in mind when she talked of feelings.
I think what she meant was DD's feelings about her father and her grandfather and whatever is causing her to be withdrawn in school to the point of getting a referral to CAMHS (they aren't given out like candy at Halloween).

You can be busy as you like and call that attending to someone's needs, but I think if you asked your DD she would like to have pancakes for breakfast and permission to talk openly to the CAMHS workers about herself and her family. There is more to nourishing someone than giving them pancakes.

I HAVE asked her if she wants to talk to the nice lady from CAMHS. The 2 times we went DD hardly said a word. The lady asked her questions. I kept my mouth shut and waited for her to answer. She didn't say much.

At one point a few months ago we were reading Jacqueline Wilson books (DD's idea, not mine) and DD said "I hope you and daddy never split up. Promise me you will never split up." Jaqueline Wilson's books are about foster children, step-parents and so on. DD wanted to read them because a friend was reading them. After about 3 or 4 books DD lost interest.

When she is upset I ask what she is upset about.

All I ever get when I ask for help is criticism.

Would you in all honestly recommend a foster family for my child cos I am clearly never going to be able to do this properly. In fact why don't you call social services right now and send them round? i have failed. Totally failed.

Can she not see the CAMHS lady ^without* you in there? It must be hard to talk openly about your problems, as a teenager, with your mum listening - however open you think your relationship is.

'talk to the nice lady from CAMHS' -- I feel that phrase creates a barrier between your child and the camhs person. It implies 'don't say anything that might be upsetting to a nice lady', 'make polite noises/monitor yourself and what you say'.

I am also wondering why the sessions were conducted with you present.

Yes, that's what I meant math. When you are talking about how you are caring for your child who has a sick father and a problem at school bad enough to have a referral to CAMHS you say you make her pancakes. Your original post is wanted couples therapy for you and DH. Honestly, I think you are not coming at these problems from the right direction and I can see you are upset and frightened and that is probably what is affecting your reactions. I think you need some support for you so that you can support your dd.