Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

baffled by FIL visit

4 replies

nowanexpertloounblocker · 31/05/2012 14:08

FIL stayed with DH and me last week. He doesn't live near us and was up here for another reason so it made sense for him to stay with us and spend some time with DS who is only a few weeks old. He's fairly pleasant to speak to and says thanks when I make meals etc but I just can't understand the man sometimes. He is 60, but acts completely immaturely at times and it irritates me. Eg, I walked into the room as he was holding DS to see him holding him right over the dog as if DS was riding the dog. Not happy - dog is small and not aggressive but looked uncomfortable - crouched down, ears back. What if he'd bitten the baby? At a family thing (my family not IL's) the younger kids constantly wanted to 'have a hold' of DS. After a while and after letting them have a hold I started saying 'no, he's a bit tired now', FIL proceeded to immediately pass DS to one of the kids to hold, then to her sister who obviously then wanted 'another go' because her sister had held him again.

Another thing that made me uncomfortable was when he was holding DS on another occasion and DS started crying, obviously hungry. Put the bottle and bib next to him as he was holding him already however DS carried on crying and FIL didn't feed him. Asked FIL if he would like to feed him or wanted me to do it. FIL said he would feed him. Fed DS an ounce or so, then winded him. DS started crying again for more milk and FIL responded by holding the bottle a couple of inches from DS's mouth (so DS had no chance to reach the teat), saying 'do you want it?' then taking the bottle away. He did this a few times - not for very long although it felt like it, whilst DS carried on crying. I felt like snatching DS from him and feeding him or shouting 'just give him his milk!', but then FIL did continue to feed him. Now I've written that I feel really guilty and like a shit mum for not saying anything.

The baffling thing is, just before he left he went to use the toilet, came downstairs, said bye and thanks and went. About an hour after he'd gone I went to use the toilet myself only to find it blocked. When I say blocked I mean, full to the brim with brown water and faeces. I managed to eventually unblock the toilet (with much gagging) myself - v proud. Surely he must have noticed when he flushed that he'd blocked the toilet? The lid wasn't down or anything, it's never been blocked before, I don't have a clue how he managed to do it actually. He was in there a while getting a wash etc before the long journey home. How could he just leave all casually knowing I'd find it afterwards? DH was in work by the way on the morning he left or he would have been doing the unblocking, it's his dad after all.

Am I right in thinking this man is a bit strange? Do I need to be more assertive around DS and him or am I being pfb?

OP posts:
Xales · 31/05/2012 14:12

You need to be more assertive. Only a vile person would tease/refuse to feed a baby that was crying in hunger.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 31/05/2012 14:13

I think you are understandably being mama-bear since your DS is so very young.

He's a 60-yr old man: he probably has no experience and no clue of caring for babies. The things you describe don't sound dangerous or malicious, more clueless. And they must appear heinous to you right now because it is so imperative for you to care for DS.

Tell him straight when he does things you don't like with DS - maybe phrase them as directions for how to do it right.

minesapintofwine · 31/05/2012 14:25

totally agree with hotdamn he is not being malicious just very unintentionally silly. My fil can be quite immature sometimes but thats just his way though it can piss me right off. He is probably (hopefully?) embarrassed about the toilet thing and thats why he hastily exited was also too embarrassed to say. I dont think its a nice thing at all to tease a baby when it just needs its milk but Im sure he loves his grandchild to bits and didnt mean any harm by it.

For what its worth my fil hurt my feelings badly the day after my c-section I was feeling really rough and crying and had a few problems so asked dh if he could visit on second visiting time as I just wanted my own mum. His reply? I dont give a damn about her I just want to see my grandkids!!! Fair point but badly made imo. I got over it though silently Im still mad.

NiniLegsInTheAir · 31/05/2012 15:56

Maybe try to be more assertive - TELL him to stop teasing the baby (was a bit Shock at his behaviour there tbh), and so on. He sounds like a bit of a fool who needs telling sometimes.

While we're swapping bad FIL stories - a few days after my DD was born last year my FIL came to 'visit'. Did his usual thing of sitting in front of the TV without lifting a finger and we ended up making him dinner. While I was sorting it out I went into our living room to find DD crying in her Moses basket while he sat right next to her ignoring her cries while he ate his dinner. Was VERY Angry. I picked her up and had to wait until he and my husband had finished eating before I got to have my dinner.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page