How to re-fall in love?

[mellowmee]

DP and I have been together for 4 years, and we have a 18MO DD. We have had the most incredibly difficult last 2 years which has put a massive strain on our relationship. Neither of us has hurt the other, no affairs or anything, the strains have been external, but had resulted in big arguments and tensions. I don't feel like I love DP properly any more, so many little things annoy me, I remember so many arguments, I feel let down (though more by life, than him) and I have judged him harshly because of his responses to our difficulties (which have never been bad, but also often not what I would have hoped for). I want to fall back in love with him, and I do think that if I can he will also. I can tell he misses me loving him (just the small indicators, I have never said I don't love him). We both want our relationship to work, for us and especially for our DD. And I do still feel for him something...and sometimes it feels like love. Relate counselling is not an option due to living out of the UK and not having the finances, so I guess I am just wondering for small suggestions of how to re-fall in love, and rebuild a relationship and to find the person who you loved having had your relationship stretched so much through no fault of our own.

If this message is a bit vague, apologies, I can't really be more specific.

Thanks

Thanks Rabbitee It makes sense to me, I would like some time to gather up myself, but with a DD and serious financial difficulties, a shoebox apartment and no close by family, we can't move out...but I do get your point, need to think how time apart can fit into our lives. thanks

When life has dealt you a few blows, it can be easy to pull apart rather than pull together.

Things you can do which are free (or cheap) apart from counselling are all the things you used to do when you met: spend time together doing activities or having dinner, looking into each others eyes, taking an interest in each other's day as well as goals and plans, making an effort not to escalate if points of tension come up but discuss more calmly. Even flirt a little!

I think it is possible to fall back in love, you don't need to forget everything that happened, because some of it may really have hurt, but if you can see yourself as a team fighting together against what life throws at you, this will help massively rather than seeing it as inevitable that stress pulls you apart.

thanks mumsy you just brought a tear to my eye! I feel like i need to start 'acting' like i love him, doing all those little things you mention, and maybe then the acting will actually become the reality. I really want us to work, and I know he does too. You are completely right, how easy it is to pull apart when things go wrong.

Mellowmee, can you tell I've been there myself?!

Financial stress is absolutely destructive to a relationship, it's so easy to turn on each other and say 'if only you hadn't done that' or 'if only you earnt more money' and so on. However, the big switch for us was to start tackling our financial problems as a team. This meant being really really honest about just how bad they were and acting together, so going into debt management and other strategies. I used to feel physically sick at the stress, now I see we are managing it together (even though less than ideal) and that's much more reassuring.

You also need to get out of the shoebox, even just for an hour or two, to somewhere cheap for a coffee, to start to feel like a normal couple. Take your DD along, or swap with a friend who has a little one and take turns. Just do some fun cheap things to remind you that it IS all worth it.

If both of you want to get back what you had, it will work eventually. I don't think there are any quick fixes and even if you can't have counselling, talking with a good friend or your mum might help you vent a bit when it becomes trying again, as it inevitably does.

thanks mumsey Really very helpful :) and positive, which is what I need, to believe that we have not completely lost each other.

stumbled on this one recently and thought it was lovely but not sure you two are quite ready yet? maybe you need a couple opf "dates" together first

The Noticing Game

I think little things are a good start.
DP and I have been together nearly 10 years and have busy, quite chaotic lives. But I try and do small things to show I care (to balance out the many times I moan and feel grrr towards him) and he does the same.
One thing which is still nice though, is every now and again, we get to spend a little time together - just the 2 of us - maybe meet for lunch during a working day for example, and a change of scene and being away from the house and it's various demands of cleaning, cooking, children, is very refreshing.

Following this thread with interest as I am in very much the same position. I really do wonder how couples get through having children as it has been so devastating for us! I really hope there is a way out.
Best of luck to us.

thanks Beamur good ideas. Need to arrange a little date, even with DD in tow!
k2 Yes, agree that having children can also make it harder to focus on your relationship.

When we first had DD1, we had no family nearby to babysit and it was easy to spend every evening sitting in front of the telly without actually talking about anything apart from superficial day to day things. One thing that helped was having 'date night', once DD was in bed, where one of us would cook a nice meal, candles on the table, both get dressed up, etc. If money's tight and getting a babysitter is difficult, this might help you to reconnect a bit.

We also live abroad, have 3 children under 6 and it can be very hard at times. But we do connect with one another emotionally. We often argue and bicker but it's over quickly and we say sorry and move on. I read somewhere once about doing nice things for each other, doing something for the other person that you know they like. Every day I try to do one thing for DH even just something small like make him a cup of tea, or iron his shirts, or give him a cuddle.... and he is also really good at doing stuff for me too.
Sometimes I feel a bit disconnected from him and we drift a little but mostly we are very close and emotionally connected.

Physically is a different story though : )

Having small kids is extremely stressful. To me it sounds like you do still love your DH. The romance may be missing, but you can get this back, if you just make a small effort with each other.

try to rediscover/revive the bond that you two once had. engage in activities that strengthen that bond.