Is it ever ok to try move on??

[Bestadviserexceptforself]

DH and I have recently separated. We have been together 8 yrs married 6 yrs, 3 DDs first whom we got pregnant on shortly after meeting. Was never head over heels bout DH thought it was all meant to be after we had our first daughter we then got married and had 2 more.
There were never any major issues we were never very loving or intimate from the beginning our sex life was non existant we had 3 beautiful girls and life was busy I thought this was normal as never really thought about it.We started to drift apart and I could not get back to the place we once were..as I dont know what that really was..I had an EA with a work colleague almost 2 years ago.
DH knows about this, i realised it was not the right thing to do but it made me realise how unhappy I was in my marriage. I have been to counseling. My feeling for DH are just not longer there are much and as hard as I have tried to...
Looking back I realise I probably should not have married this man but I did.
I feel I have tried everything I plain and simple just do not want to be with him I dont love him and the thought of being intimate makes me shudder...yet I feel so guilty for the DDs and for him as he wants the typical family unit. I have no regrets as he is a great man and good father but is just not the one for me. I am happier on my own now but DH is finding it hard to let go and the emotional blackmail etc..is driving me in sane...
Is it not ok to realise you no longer want to be with someone and want to move on and do the best for your children under the current circumstances??

Yes.

It is more than ok.

Of course it is ok. You dont have to stay if you are not happy just because your husband is unhappy. As long as your children are well looked after it doesnt matter if u are together or not.

I think you've done exactly the right thing. There is nothing to be gained from staying in a relationship when you aren't happy, life is far too short. You can't make yourself love someone either. You say you are recently separated - how long? Give him time. He may well still be hurting a lot at the moment and taking it out on you but you are two very different people and he can't force you back into a situation you would find miserable. Can you put some distance between you contact wise?

Thank you for your supportive replies. I know he is hurting it has only been a couple of months but has been coming for over a year each time i would give in and try again but DH deserves someone who loves him back.
He wants to be in contact alot which I do not as it ends up in arguments. I feel bad as he does not think he deserves this as he has done nothing wrong even though he did admit he left our relationship go and stopped making the effort due to work commitments. i thought he no longer wanted this relationship and was surprised when i realised how much he did.
Time will hopefully help...
Does anybody have any tips on how i can let go of the guilt i feel or will this take time too?

You could try counselling, if you think it would help to talk through your feelings of guilt with a professional and get to their source in order to then put them to rest.

Counselling is a good idea but also remember that guilt is a negative emotion and it can drag you down. You know that it was better that this relationship ended for all of you. You say you felt he left it a long time ago - although you have made the final break, it isn't all down to you. Maybe he doesn't want to accept that, perhaps he is unwilling to accept that successful relationships need emotional input (at the very least) from both parties. This isn't all your fault, he may feel he didn't do anything wrong but disengaging the way he did was always going to damage you both.

I agree counselling would be useful.
Laza you have some good and valid points which i have brought up but they were shot down as i had EA..i accept full responsibility for this but genuinely feel there was a reason it happened as in no connection at home. DH felt we were married now with DDs that was it life would be tough not fun for us all about DDs.. The hardest part is that he is a good honest man and i hope he will b happy again.

If he's a good honest man, it's likely he will meet someone and find happiness, so don't beat yourself up over his future happiness.

I agree, you probably had an EA because of the distance between you. Ok, you shouldn't have done it but he can't blame everything on that. I also don't agree with him that married life should be all about dcs either. Your relationship as a couple should be the foundation for that family, if that isn't happy, stable and satisfying how can the rest of your family be?

FWIW, my ex (long time ago now) was very abusive, I still felt guilty when I left him. I also had an EA, it was just about the only thing that me strength at that time. He will move on in time and you will both be happier than you were together.

Laza DH abusive on and off name calling threats bad mother etc..often in front of DDs but i seem to make excuses for this and blame myself.. i know i probably shouldnt.
Did u have DCs wen u split with ex DH? Have u met someone else since?

He's abusive too? Oh sweetheart, you should feel NO GUILT about ending the marriage.

It is so much better for your children not to have to witness the way he treats you. Because that will become their own relationship template.

Your ending it should not be contingent on knowing that you will find someone else. It should be done in the belief that this is the best thing for you and your DC, and that you are better off alone than in an unhappy and abusive marriage - which you are.

But look at it this way: you will only be able to find a kind man who treats you with respect if you are free of the current inadequate man.

Hot - the abuse really only started when i was honest about my feelings towards DH and our marriage. There was not alot of abuse throughout the marriage apart from small outbursts which i thought was the norm.
I have no intention of looking for another relationship i know i can be very happy on my own wit DC and i am enjoying lots of me time. i was just asking Laza had she found someone as it was many years ago when she went through same.
Thank you for your posts! People are very nice!

Hi. Sorry - dd's birthday do today! Yes, ex and I had a 5 year old ds. He's now 22 and in a normal, healthy relationship. I met my now dh around the time I left my ex, we've been together 17 years now and are very happy. Ex made it difficult for a long time but I have absolutely no regrets at all.

It doesn't matter why the abuse started. That should have been the time to try and work on things, not an excuse to treat you badly.

Laza - Hope your DD had a lovely birthday. I am delighted you met someone else and you are very happy you seem like a nice person and you deserve it. Thats great your DS is in a normal healthy relationship too!
I'm sure at the time you felt like u would never be happy again..i'm looking forward to getting past this horrible phase!!

Thank you. I am a much nicer person these days!
At the time I felt totally without any hope or aspirations for the future, that I would just get through as best I could. I felt like I didn't deserve to be happy on any level. Luckily I had a few people around me that didn't see me in the same way and they repeatedly told me that. However, it still took me to get to rock bottom before I really began to believe in who I was and begin to enjoy life.

I don't think things will have to get that bad for you though Your dh will move on. At the moment it's easier for him to blame you than look inside himself.