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Original poster

Help me make sense of this, please.

17 replies

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 09:26

We decided two weeks ago to stop giving DD milk at night. We discussed how to go about it so we'd both be taking the same approach.

DH keeps going against everything we decided on.

We agreed to lean into the cot and comfort her if she woke, rather than taking her out. He keeps taking her out and she gets hysterical when he tries to put her back in, so he ends up in there for hours. And because she knows I won't take her out, she gets hysterical and shouts and roars for DH if I go in, so I haven't a hope of settling her.

Things were finally settling, but then a couple of mornings ago he gave her milk at 6am because he didn't want to get up, and now she's waking and asking for boppy again, and he's giving it to her. So after all the messing over the last two weeks, we're back exactly where we started.

It's doing my head in. We've had the same stupid argument over and over again for two weeks now and we're not getting anywhere. He agrees that it's better if we stop giving her milk, but every time he does it, he comes up with an excuse, each one flimsier than the last. So he doesn't really think he's wrong. It's like he's saying 'Okay, it's better if she doesn't get bottles so I'll stop giving them to her if she stops asking for them'.

Poor DD is probably totally confused by it at this stage, but I can't get him to see that he's actually making things harder for her by dragging this out.

He seems utterly incapable of seeing the big picture.

Tell me, am I mad to be annoyed? Am I being too controlling? Should I back off and just let him do things his way even though I think he's completely wrong?

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 31/05/2012 09:32

How old is your DD?

What were your reasons when you both decided to stop giving milk -- were they the same reasons for both of you?

Original poster

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 09:44

She'll be two next month - more than old enough to get through the night without milk!

We hadn't meant to let her have them for so long but she had tonsillitis a lot for the last year so we never really had a chance. She's been okay for the last two months.

She's a bit overweight, so really shouldn't be getting the extra calories. And we were wrecked from the sleep deprivation, because we've a 3 month old as well.

He agreed with all of this. Though in fairness, if I wasn't been the driving force behind it all, he'd probably keep giving her bottles till she was old enough to go down to the fridge and make them up herself. He's utterly incapable of saying 'no' to her.

OP posts:

dreamingbohemian · 31/05/2012 09:54

Oh gosh, that does make sense. Do you think it's mostly that he has no willpower at 6 am and just does what seems easiest, even if it's not the best?

If so, tbh I'm not sure what you can do. If arguing constantly about it for a couple weeks isn't getting anywhere... I mean, do you want to keep arguing about it for months?

Does she also wake in the middle of the night for milk? Is it your DH responding to her whenever she wakes up? If so, I might just let him get on with it for now and tackle it again in a few months when hopefully you will be less sleep deprived, and perhaps his willpower will be stronger.

Sorry I don't have any better advice. I know it is so frustrating when you can't just MAKE your partner do the right thing!

Original poster

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 10:01

It can be at any stage during the night, and up to 4 times. On a bad night she could put away 40oz of milk. I can't let that go on, it's not healthy!

OP posts:

Beamur · 31/05/2012 10:07

Also not good for her teeth to be having milk at night.

Is she waking for milk, or just company? I'd offer her water only in case she is thirsty and frankly, if your DH wants to spend half the night comforting her then let him get on with it! She will eventually sleep through, but he won't be helping her learn how to do that.

Original poster

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 10:14

Oh yes, teeth were mentioned too.

She cries and cries till she gets milk. I told him to offer water but she slaps it away so he gives her milk.

Before she caught onto the idea of screaming till DH caved, I was able to settle her by just rubbing her back, so she's not so starving that she can't sleep!

i can't just leve him to it, for all the reasons I've already mentioned, plus the fact that he drives 80 miles a day; I'd prefer him to be getting decent sleep.

OP posts:

AKE2012 · 31/05/2012 10:20

The only reason she is continuing to scream is coz ur husband is giving into her. She knows that if she screams she will get what she wants. Id tell him that u are not dealing with it. You had decided to stop the milk at night so if u dont both follow through then he can deal with her at night. and id leave him to it.
This is why i prefer to be a single mother. You dont have anyone undoing the work that u do.

Beamur · 31/05/2012 10:24

Your DH needs to grow a bit more spine!
Could you try and compromise and reduce the amount of milk you give, and work towards swapping it for water?
My DD went through a bit of a phase at this age of waking in the evening and declaring herself 'hungry' - so I always offered exactly the same snack, plain water and a dry oatcake - enough to take away any genuine hunger, but not an exciting enough snack to be worth holding out for - although I suspect it was much more about getting me to sit with her for a few more minutes. After the snack I would say goodnight, give her a quick cuddle and go.
It is really really hard though when your child works themselves up and it is hard to go and leave them like that.

Original poster

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 10:32

If he gives her less she demands more, and guess what happens then?! I was well able to settle her without milk till he messed it up, so I don't see why we shouldn't stick to that plan, to be honest.

No-one's going away and leaving her to cry, I always stayed in there till she lay down and stopped crying.

OP posts:

Beamur · 31/05/2012 10:34

I'm not disagreeing with you

Original poster

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 10:37

And I'm not disagreeing about the need for spine!

It's the long term implications of this that worry me, you see. I'm afraid I'm looking at a lifetime of being the bad cop, and being constantly undermined. It's a daunting prospect. I just don't think I have the energy for it.

OP posts:

MushroomSoup · 31/05/2012 10:38

My DH was shit in that respect too! So I took over the 'no bottle' nights until DCs got through them. Yes I was knackered (worked full time) but with total consistency it won't take long. It only takes ages when there's all the faffing around!

Original poster

Some0ne · 31/05/2012 10:44

But I did that, MushroomSoup! I started it off and we were doing fine. If I take over again, the only way I'll ensure that he doesn't mess it up again is if I do all the night wakings forever. And I'm already doing DS's nights and looking after him all day, there's only so much of me to go round!

OP posts:

ChitChatFlyingby · 31/05/2012 10:52

Oh you poor thing, he really is being completely daft and spineless.
Time for some tough love on both of them.

Temporarily buy long life milk instead of fresh milk - hide it. Make sure there is NO milk in the fridge at the end of the night (pour the rest of the carton out if you have to). In the morning pull out the hidden bottle of long life milk. If he can't find any milk he can't give it to her. Make sure you keep finding new hiding spots!!!!

oldwomaninashoe · 31/05/2012 11:54

Get him to give her a botle with milk and water added. over time keep adding more and more water, until its nearly all water. once you have got it to the stage of all water you can leave a bottle or cup within her reach at night, or she won't really be interested in it.

mistlethrush · 31/05/2012 12:00

You had it sorted - and he didn't need to upset the apple cart. I realise that he's driving etc - but this is the fall out from HIS actions. If he's not got the spine to deal with it, he should be left with the fall out. You can also tell him that he'll have to explain to her why she has bad teeth when she's older too - that's not something that she'll thank him for.

Alternatively, swap - he deal with DS (unless you're BF?)(in which case possibly put some ebf in fridge and let him deal with the faffing around with that instead?) and you deal with DD since he is apparently incapable of continuing with what you'd agreed and already established.

GoPoldark · 31/05/2012 12:03

He's being very cruel to her.

Maybe keep pointing that out, commenting on how his weakness is making this transition very hard for her, and that you are really surprised to see him fail so badly at this part of parenting - because you thought he had the brains and compassion to see that pandering and flapping is not a great way to act in her best interests.

Meanwhile, I'd take over the nights - when she learns that screaming for Dad doesn't make him appear, you should get back to her going off to sleep once you soothe her.

Once again - how crap of him.

Maybe show him this too.

Good parents ARE those who know when to say no.

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