Do you think i should be concerned about this woman??

[flynn80]

My dad has recently lost his partner of over 25 yrs through a serious illness, it was quite a short time from diagnosis to her passing but he became the main carer to her, through this time ive seen him loose nearly 2 stone, crying, becoming forgetful all the things youd expect from someone not coping but as i wasnt that close to him to begin with its even more of a shock now. Im his only child so i feel its up to me to help him now and I do really want to help him and get to know him again (the reason we werne so close was because of his partners family always coming first so i felt a bit pushed out, stupid i know but i was a teenager at the time)

he found a friend to confide in through other friends, ill call her D, we didnt hear anything about her until the night before the funeral, i was introduced to her at a gathering at his house, just something about her made me feel a bit uneasy, nothing major but i just couldnt put my finger on it, the day of the funeral i was chatting to my aunt who gave my dad a hug, this D then came over to start talking to me and asked straight away who she was hugging my dad (not in a nasty way, just striking up a conversation) i said it was my aunt, introduced them and then went off to the loo. later on my aunt said to me sarcastically, oh thanks for leaving me with her! she also mentioned there was something strange but she didnt know what.

fast forward only a week and apparently my dad has been in touch with her nearly everyday, i saw it as a bit of female company for him, someone else to talk to etc, until last night when my aunt called me up and said she was really worried for him, hed told my aunt that he really likes her, reminds him of his partner and could see himself being with her in the future, apparently she has been telling him he has done all his grieving while being the carer (in truth he lost his partner months before she actually died). I know that his head is all over the place, he speaks to me then the next day doesnt remember doing so etc. im just so so worried for his state of mind right now, im also 9 months pregnant and due in 2 weeks so i dont feel i have the energy to look after everything at this time, i want to be there for him and wish i could just click my fingers and make everything ok, nothing i do i feel is good enough to help him, even though it probably is, ive been going round, taking him for meals, i just dont know what to do for the best with him.

for the 1st time in my life my dad isnt himself and its really scary, im genuinely concerned about this woman, half of me thinks its someone to keep him company, the other half thinks why is she so pushy when hes so vulnerable right now. im on my own, theres only my aunt but she lives miles away, i just dont feel im coping well with all this new responsibility at all so god knows how he feels right now. any advice what to do is really welcome as im truly struggling right now to help and support him as i dont know what to do.

It's your dad's place to decide who to be with. He is obviously highly stressed, distracted, depressed by the death of his partner and this woman, whatever you or your aunt may think of her, is the person he's chosen to cling to for comfort at this time. If you try to get her out of the picture he will not thank you but you can support him in other ways. If you think he needs medical help, suggest that. If you think he shouldn't be alone, suggest he comes to stay. Keep up with the telephone calls and taking him for meals etc.

In my own family, my widowed ex-FIL started seeing a woman who actually did turn out to be bad news as far as the rest of the family were concerned. However, they got married & were very happy together right up to the day he died.

It does sound like your dad is using this new woman as a way of avoiding his grief. The danger is that things will fizzle out and then it will all hit him that much harder. But, he is an adult, and so he has to make his own choices. All you can do is keep talking to him as much as possible, watch out for him, and be there for him if and when it ends. Focus on your own baby. You are kind to want to make things better for him, but you can't. Have you raised your concerns with him at all?

Your father is an adult, and his choices are his own to make, even if they turn out to be harmful to himself and others.

Is your father a rather passive person? I ask because you say he placed his partner's family above you when you were still a child, and your concern about D seems to be that she might manipulate a vulnerable man - is that correct?

It may well be that he gravitates towards dominating partners. If that is so, it is very sad, especially now that he is in a vulnerable position of grief, but it is a cycle that only he can wake up to and get himself out of, if he chooses to.

I'm sorry for you that he neglected you in childhood.

I agree - your dad is an adult. He can grieve with/marry/date anybody he likes and it's not your business (meant in a nice way!). Your job is just to keep ringing and checking in. Do what you can for him. If he's going to date a strange woman I think you need to get to know her, too.

can you or your aunt put your finger on what it was about this woman that unsettled you?

HOTDAMN I think you hit the nail on the head, he does tend to gravitate towards domineering partners, hadnt really thought about it before now but its a possiblity, he was with my mum who is very laid back, when they split up he got with this other partner who recently died, i found her to be very bossy, only in a good way though, things like buying his clothes, or doing things for him. i never meant it to sound like he neglected me in anyway, he worked away a lot so i saw him once a week (he was only home at weekends), because his partner came from a large family there were always parties and things to go to for him so he was often out with her family instead of me i guess, we saw each other regularly and chatted a couple of times a week.

i know its nothing to do with me about who he talks to, i actually think its a positive thing (well i really hope it is anyway) that hes chose to talk to this woman about how he feels, id just hate for him to get hurt though so soon as i dont think hed be able to cope.

i do agree though that he may be using this as a way to ignore his grief and thats what really scares me, is that hes bottling everything up, he thinks hes done all his grieving already, once the funeral was over its like he hit rock bottom as i suspected. I think the reason i found her a bit strange was just how really pushy and in your face she was, i dont mean she was rude or horrible, i dont agree with the fact that shes telling my dad hes done all his grieving already and its time to start looking to the future, hes buried his partner less than a week ago, of course hes still going to be grieving. she also appeared to track us down and somehoe be stood right by us wherever we went which i found odd, considering she was sat nowhere near us, it was like she thought of herself as a longlife family friend, yet we had never met her before. im sure shes a lovely lady and i just need to get to know her i just maybe think wait more than 3 days when someones just been buried to make a move on their grieving partner.

my aunt has been trying to get him to go up to hers over the weekend which hes finally agreed to, she mentioned to ask this D if he wanted (she told me its so she can suss her out), this lady has agreed to go with him - again kind of like a date, i think its just moving a bit too quick which is what worries me, if hed had time to grieve then decided he wants to find someone else id be thrilled for him, its just because as someone else said he seems to be using this lady as a way of ognoring his grief which is what i dont want. but at the same time im not going to start dictating to him what he can and cant do.

If he is used to bossy women he is probably very lost with out her around.

That doesn't make D a problem. You don't actually know the contents of their conversations or how things D says are meant just odd snippets. Perhaps D has taken from something he has said that he has finish grieving whether he has or not.

It is kind of sad that you don't think that D may just be being a friend and shoulder for your dad but see her as moving in on a person 3 days after their partner died. Perhaps she comes near you as your dad has spoken about you and she feels she wants to be there to support you to?

D is also an adult and I imagine she would realise you dad has just lost his partner and may be using her for support more than he should.

If he is used to being bossed then he may have heard your aunt saying would you like to invite D as you should invite D and so has done so whether he wanted to or not of even if it had crossed his mind before your Aunt suggested it. Where are you getting that D sees this as a date?

A lot of people who lose someone after a long relationship seem to move on very fast. All you can do is support him, accept his decision and be there if he does need you.

She sounds like a bit of a leach to me - inveigling herself into the family, being pushy, when she doesn't know any of you. I would feel very uneasy too.

I would be very concerned if someone was telling my dad a week after the funeral, that all his grieving was done and I would be fearful that she was trying to take advantage of him, in some way.

Sorry to be blunt, but does he have a lot of money?

You can't tell him not to see her, but you can make sure she doesn't push you out - call him frequently and visit him lots and talk to him. Make sure he knows he can talk freely to you. If he was my dad, I would tell him my concerns and ask him not to rush into anything. Your poor dad sounds like he just wants a nice, normal life back and she appears to be promising this, but it is an illusion. He is still grieving and needs proper time, not a new partner right now.

If she is the real deal, then she will be patient and kind and not push herself into someone else's family, uninvited. Don't feel that you have to treat her like family, just because she appears to be demanding it - she is a stranger to you at the moment.

Thankyou, i cant explain it but i do just get an uneasy feeling when ive been around her, ive never had it with anyone else before, even questioning me about my pregnancy as if she knew all about me and had real concerns, id never met her before in my life so it was like a total stranger asking if i planning on breastfeeding, maybe its cos my dad has talked to her about me she feels like she knows me a bit better than she does, and as ive said im sure shes a lovely person she just seems to be pushing herself a bit too much, she rings him most nights etc, maybe he wants the company, who am i to say he cant speak to her, he doesnt have a lot of money no, he has a good job though and a house thats now paid off in full, i dont know if she knows all this though. the thing is my dad would be the 1st person to start saying how soon it was and so on, as its him he just doesnt see it. all i can do i suppose is still be there for him when he needs me.

i just didnt see this coming, i saw him being struck with grief, and i always hoped hed find someone again one day in the future - just not 3 days in the future . i know theres nothing i can do so ill just stick to what i was doing and supporting him, and trying to keep him together. thanks again for letting me ramble on and clear my own head a bit.

well I do trust my instinct these days and since both you and your aunt had misgivings about her based on her behaviour, I can understand you being wary. I am afraid, like Karma, I assumed it is to do with money. Tbh her behaviour also strikes me as inappropriate but we all can mess up when we are trying too hard to get it right. Perhaps it was that . I hope it is alright. Feel sorry for your dad.