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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

AIBU to think "no sister dearest, I will not apologise

16 replies

LikeItOrNot · 30/05/2012 23:23

To you after you have ambushed me in the car and started a soliloquy about how hard these past few weeks have been for you. & how I really should apologise for various ways I have been "disrespecting" you, including but not limited to

  • Having an anxiety attack on the floor of the kitchen, thus forcing you to to take the phone call from the doctora after I had tried to get an emergency appointment. I'm sorry it was difficult for you to talk to them, but I was finding it hard to breathe at the time.
  • Not wanting you to attend said emergency doctors appointment with me. I reserve my right to privacy thanks, and I know you would be unable to keep the fact that I am vaguely suicidal to yourself.
  • By me not wanting to spend my weekend wondering what time you would be at the house I share with you. Yes, I would like to know, sorry for taking an interest on your life as I have none of my own
  • By ignoring your passive aggressive behaviour towards me. I already feel tearful and like crap from the moment I wake up in the morning, do you really think I want to acknowledge the fact that you think I'm an amoeba?
  • By being "defensive and oversensitive". Yes, I know I can be difficult, but I really am trying and I can't help it if I am finding everything hard to deal with at the moment.
  • That my crying in my room distracted you from your revision.
OP posts:
bobbledunk · 30/05/2012 23:45

You're sister sounds very insensitive, sounds like you're going through hell at the moment. I have no idea how to make you feel better, wish I did. Is there something in particular that is making you feel this way or is it just that everything is going wrong, like your whole life has collapsed in on you?

StuntGirl · 30/05/2012 23:45

Oh dear. It sounds like you're both having a difficult time of it. If you're having any suicidal thoughts at all I'd urge you to talk to your GP. Are you ok OP? Are there any family members or friends you could talk to?

squeakytoy · 30/05/2012 23:48

I am really not sure, because on one hand it sounds like your sister is worried about you, and you are suffering from anxiety and depression, which can be very difficult for someone to live with, both as the sufferer, and for those around that person.

Are you shutting her out, or are you willing to let her help you?

LikeItOrNot · 30/05/2012 23:51

I'm on medication. It seemed to be working, but today has been awful anyway. Been crying on and off since I got in.

I've spoken to my GP and there's a CBT team in my area. I had an assessment but I haven't heard anything back yet.

I have no-one to talk to.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 30/05/2012 23:53

you can talk on here, it is anonymous, but there are lots of people who can try to help

LikeItOrNot · 30/05/2012 23:54

I know it's difficult for my family that's why I'm best if I deal with it on my own. I am a private person anyway and hate myself for feeling like I do. Like I'm the problem.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/05/2012 00:02

You are not the problem, but the depression you have does affect the lives of those closest to you. Shutting people out is not good. Being a private person can be a curse, because you bottle stuff up that needs to be let out.

I speak from very sad experience as my FIL committed suicide 4 years ago, and subsequently my husband had severe depression and a nervous breakdown.

You cannot deal with it on your own, honestly.

Your sister is probably feeling frustrated, which is a normal reaction. It doesnt mean that she doesnt care. She wanted to come to the docs with you, because she cares and possibly also would like to know how she can help. She may also want to check that you are being honest about your feeling to your GP.

When my husband was ill I went through many emotions.. sympathy, frustration, leaving him to it, being on his case to get it sorted, and I also confided in other family members, because the last thing I wanted was for him to do what his father had done.

Let people in, let them help, talk to them honestly about how you are feeling. You may not always get the answers or responses that you think you should get, but you have to talk.

StuntGirl · 31/05/2012 00:12

Yes it definitely helps to talk. I was on medication for depression and tried to keep everything secret, bottling it up does no good. Are you being referred to a counsellor?

LikeItOrNot · 31/05/2012 00:14

I can't talk to her, even at the the best of times we aren't especially close. I dont recall ever confiding in her about something or seeking advice - or vice versa.

OP posts:
LikeItOrNot · 31/05/2012 00:17

I was referred to a CBT service through my GP. I had an initial assessment with them a few weeks ago I think, can't remember the exact date. They said that they would be in contact when a therapist/counsellor became available.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/05/2012 00:35

It is unusual for sisters to share a house if they arent close. Is it possible that your need to be private prevents you from confiding in her, and in turn this makes her feel that she cant talk to you?

Is your mum around at all?

LikeItOrNot · 31/05/2012 00:40

We both still live with our parents. My mum is around yes, but I don't feel like I can talk to her either. The occasions I have confided in my mum, my mum has gone and told my sister. And various other members of the family.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 31/05/2012 00:46

How old are you both? I guess by the fact that your sister is doing revision, that neither of you are much into your 20's.

To be fair, if you live with your parents, why should your sister tell YOU what time she is coming home and her whereabouts? Not having a go at you, but it is her life and you are not her mum.

I think that the worst bit of depression is allowing it to close in on you, and make you a bit paranoid, but family should be able to talk to, and about you.

It doesnt mean they are conspiring against you, they are looking for ways to help you, and it does mean that they need to talk to each other.

Let them help, please.

LikeItOrNot · 31/05/2012 00:56

I am under 20, she is under 25.

I only asked what she had planned for the weekend because it's a long one and I know she makes plans with her boyfriend and friends. At that point I had been going to suggest that we went for a coffee or into our local town. I was ^trying* to be nice and normal, and didn't want to suggest something if she already had plans. It's just a thing we do, "what have you got planned for the weekend" etc.

I'm not paranoid about my mum, and it isn't just about how I feel, in the past I have confided in get about friends or a boy & my mum has just gone and told all to my sister. Or brought it up at dinner for general conversation.

OP posts:
HerHissyness · 31/05/2012 07:33

Squeaky speaks sense. Please listen, i really think they're worried for you and want to help.

Keep posting, we can help too.

Greatauntirene · 31/05/2012 09:10

It sounds to me as though you desperately need to talk about 'everything' to someone so that you can sort out your own feelings and needs. Living at home you are between adult and child and seem to want an independent life but, naturally, as you are still at home are treated like a 'child' by your family.

Maybe you could phone the Samaritans, though I haven't tried them myself, but perhaps they can provide a helpful ear. And chase up your GP for CBT, or just go privately to a counsellor, if you can afford that. But just one or two visits might make a difference. I have been to a counsellor on a few occasions and it is amazing how someone else can point out your mistaken beliefs, often things that prey on your mind, and it is a great relief to deal with things like that so that you can get things in proportion and concentrate on things that really improve your life. But some counsellors are better than others and you might need to try a few.

Also, there are a myriad of self help books out there. Search Amazon and order them from the library, if you can't afford to buy. These can also give insight to problems.

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