Please give me your advice - I'm so confused.

[QuestionTime]

Hi ladies, I was wondering if you could give me the benefit of your wisdom as I'm so confused and don't really have anyone to turn to in RL.
I met my husband when I was 21. He is 15 years older than me and literally swept me off my feet. I'd had a very sheltered upbringing and had literally only kissed 4 guys at this point so this worldly wise intelligent bloke was something entirely new for me.
Anyway all I ever wanted in my life was to be a SAHM. I was very clear about this from the beginning, I bought my first house on my own at 20 - all with the aim of having stability and working towards a position of financial security for my kids future.
Anyway in the intervening years we got married and he has tried starting a variety of businesses, all of which have failed. I'm paying the mortgage single handedly, the house and pretty much all our savings have come from me.
I've long since realised that my dream of being a SAHM is not going to come true. My mum also died this year very suddenly and it's made me really reassess my life.
I know it makes me a horrible person but I am losing respect for him because of this. I am very lucky to have an extremely well paid job, but I find it hard to imagine myself at 41 like he is with pretty much no income or having never saved enough for a house etc.
He is a lovely person unlike me, but I just feel I have got myself into such a mess and don't know what to do.
Oh and I have sat down and told him about all of this but he can't change who he is.
Sorry for being a horrible person :-(

Er, why are you horrible? And did you actually manage to have any children yet or is your biological clock giving you a hard time?

No kids have been trying for about two years but nothing has happened. To be honest I dont even know if I want them any more with him. I'm horrible because ultimately I have lost all respect for him because he isn't a high flier. Because if I could turn the clock back and not meet him on the day that we did then I would

Do you love him?

You are 26 right? You have a lot of life left in you and you sound like you have a lot of get up and go. If you feel like this now before kids you will feel 10 times worse if you have them. They magnify every flaw in a relationship and you will have even less patience with him when you have your hands full of kids and he may not help much in the tough first years. Babies are hard work! You cant change him and if you cant live with it now after 5 years together then make a break while you can. It doesnt make you a bad person. You will find someone else and you will be a sahm with the right person. Dont feel trapped when you have no ties and no responsibilities. It takes a lot of courage to make the break.but you dont deserve to fool yourself or him if it is not working. Good luck.

Yes I do. But don't know if that is enough.

I should also say be careful - he might walk with half of the house and savings so you need to think carefully about arrangements before doing anything drastic.

In what sense might it not be enough?

you want something, he can't give it to you.

if you believe marriage is for life, thick or thin, etc. then obviously you shouldn't have had any expectations of what your married life will look like. because it can go any way really. you just don't know. your choices in that case are a) learn to love your life and your husband as is or b) chalk it up to experience, have a good think about how you'll do things differently in future, and then move on.

but if you believe marriage is there to make your life better, then you should end this situation as soon as you can. he is 41, he's not going to change and you either need to accept him as he is, or move on.

you're not a horrible person, though if you're reneging on your own values (believing marriage is for life etc), then you're going to feel like you are, iyswim. but try to take a step back and really examine what you're feeling here, and why. and whether the reasons for the emotions are based on facts and your current values, or on an outdated way of thinking that you've not really looked closely at yet.

You arent horrible OP. You were young, that's all and things change. He took the same chance marrying a much younger woman.

If you want to get out of this you are right to do so.

No experience of this book, but someone on another thread suggested "too good to leave too bad to stay" as a way of working through thoughts and feelings when deciding whether you can work out a relationship. It might help?

I think that you have realised that he is the wrong guy for you. You are only 26, you have your whole life ahead of you with the right guy, as a SAHM with lots of kiddies but you have to actually CHOOSE that path-if you stay where you are none of that will happen. You aren't horrible at all.

Aw thank you ladies. You have given me a lot to think about.

Can't help wondering if the blissful life as a SAHM with lots of kiddies (which is what I did) might not turn out to be exactly what you hoped.

I have two DDs a bit older than you and they say that finding mister perfect isn't that easy either.

But you are still young and have lots of time to sort your life with or without DH. Best of luck.