My DH is unhappy and I'm not sure how to deal with it.

[MegumiEto]

Already posted this in AIBU, but someone suggested reposting here, so I have:

I don't think my DH will walk out, but I don't think he is very happy.

The past couple of months, he has not been himself. He's been very quiet, quite irritable, and keen to spend time by himself and with friends.

Last night I talked to him about it, and he admitted that he hadn't been happy lately. He said he was sick of struggling and working hard for no reward and no hope of ever not struggling.

We have been through a tough time in recent years. DH had worked for a family-run business, made the old couple who ran it a lot of money, was treated like a member of the family and then suddenly made redundant. After this, our house was repossessed and we got into financial trouble. He has gone self employed, but it took him some time to build his business up, and of course the money is never regular.

BUT, over the last year, we have really sorted ourselves out. We moved into a flat, paid off the money we owed and we're not in any more debt. We don't have a lavish lifestyle, but we don't do bad. We have an X Box, Lovefilm and Netflix subscriptions, broadband, a couple of PCs we built ourselves, a reasonable car, he has three guitars and a couple of amps, plus a kayak and a load of camping and outdoor gear.

He certainly doesn't want for hobbies - he's in two bands, plus he has a guitar lesson every week and a kung fu lesson (which cost £40 per week), plus he goes running with my mum twice a week in the evenings and an exercise bike in the shed to keep fit. The kayaking he does mostly in the summer, but it often involves an overnight camp too.

I don't mind any of this, btw. If we couldn't afford it, I know he'd stop straight away, and I understand that he works hard and needs to blow off steam. Being self employed, it's pretty tough to take holidays, and he hasn't had any time off in about 3 years, so I know this is an equivalent.

But last night he started talking about things he wished he'd done. He and a mate had a plan to go hiking in Africa when they were younger, and he wished he'd done that. He also wished he'd joined the Marines too, he'd been a cadet and had really wanted to carry on and didn't (not because of me, this is way before I met him).

This has been exacerbated by the fact that I have had a tremendous opportunity recently to pursue a lifelong dream of mine, one that could potentially make us a lot of money. Although I don't have to leave the house, I have had to work very hard on it from home, and consequently have relied on DH to help with the housework more than I normally would. I just don't have time to meet a deadline, look after two small boys and do the house too. Sometimes he gets pretty grumpy about this and tells me I should "make time" which really pisses me off.

I have noticed a marked drop in the amount of time we spend together as a family too. We used to go to town on a Saturday to bank the money he'd made, and afterwards we'd take DS1 to the park or for a walk in the woods. Now, every Saturday, he says he'll just nip in by himself as it's quicker. This is true, with DS2 (8m) in a buggy and DS1 (3) being a bit of a handful lately, but it does mean that I don't get out of the house much. As a SAHM, the kids are always my responsibility and it would be nice to have a couple of hours a week where this was shared. It's the same with the supermarket, I can't remember the last time I didn't just send DH off with a list.

I know there are plenty of women out there who would love a DH who did the shopping by himself but I am starting to feel a bit stuck in the house. But because he is so unhappy, i am reluctant to put pressure on him to take me along.

Not sure that a gentle approach is the right thing, but I really don't want to go in all guns blazing and lay the law down if it's going to make him miserable. What's the point?

Should I just let things be and see if they improve, or should I push this?

Hmmm. Well it seems to me that you have been supporting him, emotionally and practically whilst he built up his business. You've taken on the childcare role and housework role. Now you are branching out and need the same reciprocated he is complaining? He sounds pretty selfish tbh.

Take the shopping thing for example (which is really not very much to do - and he isn't doing it by himself you are giving him a list. I don't have to do that with my DH - he manages to work out what we need). Why don't you go to the shops whilst he looks after the children?

Your DH sounds very weighted down with the responsibilities that come with being sole breadwinner, especially after the horrible problems you've had with repossession, redundancy etc. It is normal to have hobbies and to occasionally wonder if life could have been different if you'd made better choices. However, my concern is that his pursuits and his reminiscences all involve being on his own... or at least not with you and not with the children. My worry would be that, at some level, he sees his responsibility for a wife and children as having restricted his freedom and this solitary, distant behaviour is some kind of rebellion. Reliving his youth in some way. Did you get together quite young?

I think it's important that you do more things together, both as a couple and as a family. It is not wrong to expect that at all and it wouldn't be 'pressure' to do the shopping together. You also need to engineer some couple time and get the children out of the picture for an evening so you can talk properly.

Thanks for your replies. We didn't get together young, but I fell pregnant with DS1 very early in our relationship and I sometimes wonder if he's wondering what would have happened if I hadn't. We never really had much time together before becoming a family.

It has been tough for him being the sole breadwinner, but like Abigail says, he can be very selfish when it comes to doing things he sees as "my" territory. For example, I have to nag and nag him to give any of the DSes a bath, and then spends the entire time asking me where things are so I can't get any work done. You'd think he'd know where towels, shampoo and the DSes' clothes are by now!

Hmm, that's a well-known tactic - do something so badly that people think it's not worth asking you to do it again.

I'm afraid I agree with those who say he sounds selfish. You've clearly supported him through some very tough times and carried all of the domestic load, and now that you're asking him to reciprocate he's not stepping up. When do you get your time off for exercise and hobbies? (I know the baby is BF, but if he's 8 months old you ought to be able to leave the house alone for a couple of hours to go to the gym or meet friends, or whatever you might want to do - and it sounds as though that might be good for your mental health, actually: I know from experience that it can drive you round the twist being at home all the time.)

It sounds like he is very selfish TBH I don't care how unhappy he is you need to tell him how you feel and he needs to pull his weight more

Then you definitely need to talk. There are quite a lot of men that, because they are sole breadwinner and bust a gut to keep the family provided for, think that gets them out of doing anything that isn't work-related.... they've 'done their bit' if you like. There's also an issue with money I suspect. The one that earns it often thinks that gives them total say in how it's spent e.g on guitars, kayaks and other boys' toys. (There wasn't much in that list that looked like you'd chosen it.)

The only way to progress is to have a calm, mature conversation where you talk about how things are & how things could be better. It has to be equal all round. Not one doing as they please and the other sitting home twiddling their thumbs. He clearly needs a bit of space to do his own thing but so do you. Get that principle agreed and then identify an evening activity that looks like fun, tell him that you'll be doing it every week and mark your place. Family activities have to take an equal share with personal hobbies. Time together as a couple is vital. You might not get all of this agreed in one sesson but you have to start the conversation and not hang back worrying about his reaction.

It all sounds rather one sided. What is this opportunity you have? Sounds interesting!

I can relate to feeling stuck in the house. It drives me batty! Literally!

He sounds really selfish. Its all about what he wants and now he's not even supporting you while you do something YOU want.

Cogito speaks very good sense. Have you been able to have frank conversations with him in the past about problems? Your first post sounds as though you're tiptoeing round him at the moment.

I would be really blunt- say 'I supported you when we nearly lost everything, and helped you domestically so you could build up your business. Now it's my chance, and although you are helping out, you are pulling faces, sighing, distancing yourself from me and the family- what is going on?'

It sounds to me like he has lots of hobbies and interesting things going on in his life, plus flexible working. He may be in a mid-life crisis, which isn't really to do with you but more about his own issues. So, if that's the case, he needs to spit it out, and make some plans for the next few years when it becomes his 'turn' again.

He sounds depressed and stressed. I get the impression that he doesn't feel you understand him enough and how he is feeling. It seems as though he resents you moving from 'your sphere' looking after the house and children etc to 'his sphere' providing for you and the family.

It probably doesn't matter to him how much money you make with this new opportunity. Or in fact, whether it makes things financially better in the long run. Even though he complains that he's tired of 'working for little reward', by doing it and making it successful, you are unintentionally highlighting his feeling of 'failure' to successfully do the providing. Hence his withdrawing from you. You are also living out your dreams while he cannot live out his. By trying to make things better, you are essentially making it worse (from his point of view) and his anxiety, depression and resentment is more likely to grow the more successful you are.

You need to have a major talk as none of this is fair on you, and he's probably battling with a rather poor self image of himself as a 'man'.

I get the impression that he doesn't feel you understand him enough and how he is feeling.

The old "she doesn't understand me" line

It has been said that the best way to measure equality in a relationship is to work out how much leisure time you each have. This means time to do what you want either on your own (through choice) or with friends and/or family (through choice). It should be equal.

So, he has all his hobbies, what about you OP? What do you do in your free time. Do you have the same amount of free time as he does?

Regarding housework and childcare, he is not there to 'help' you. He is just as responsible as you are and by the sound of it he needs to step up his contribution.

Nods along to fairenuff.

My husband was similar after we had a tough time with depression and redundancy. While it was happening and we were struggling, he was just concentrating on the day to day stress of getting through it. When things got better it really hit him, and he had a lot of anger and regrets about what happened. It only came out when life was back on track and he had time to give it some headspace.
It sounds like you've had an awful time, and he is behaving selfishly, I'm not excusing him. But this was the reason behind my dh's similar behaviour.

OP - your life and that of your DH sounds very monotonous. You need to do something together that is different and stimulating.

It sounds to me like you have a lot going on at the same time, which is always difficult.

1. your family life
2. your fantastic opportunity
3. your husband not being supportive

So, I can really understand how hard it is to kind of manage all three.

I have to say that your fantastic opportunity sounds, well, fantastic, and I feel you have a right to pursue it. But its going to be difficult without support as you say. Sounds really hard, but a couple of good discussions with him in relaxed environment - dinner out or in - might help clarify.

I think there is a danger you will end up frazzled and resentful (like him) if you don't take space to resolve this.

Oops could have added no. 4 - like fairie - your own "me" downtime as you mention ...