risk friendship for money

[morepositive]

Hi I have posted here before. In a nutshell exp of 25 years had as affair and left following the loss of our eldest son.
He is still with OW and living in Germany, has not paid penny towards youngest ds but does still pay his half of school fees.and will contribute towards uni next year.
I am so desperately trying to maintain a reluctant friendship, still love him but accept we will never get back he is cold and could give or take the friendship will still upsets me especially as he has so unfairly rewritten our history
Anyway found out todyt that I could be entitled to a share of his house which he has recently put on the market. Advised to have notification put on land reg. If I do that I know we will never stay friends and I really can?t let go
What should I do

Put the note on the land reg.

You have to look out for you and your youngest.

And get thee to a solicitor and get some good legal advice.

Definitely get some legal advice as soon as possible. As partners rather than husband and wife, the rules are rather different when it comes to division of assets but, when it comes to maintenance of children, they're more similar. Once you start down that road it is the end of any friendship, unfortunately. But, if he'd wanted to be friends with you, he wouldn't have broken up the family in the first place. Good luck

You don't have a friendship with him: you say he is cold, and has unfairly rewritten your history.

Let go the dream. And get legal advice.

He is not your friend. Take legal action. He's a wanker, and men like this are often quite keen to do the 'let's be friends' thing when what they mean is 'Shut up, suck it up, don't rock the boat, let me have it all my own way and I will make vague pointless promises about being nice to you without actually doing anything for your benefit, ever.'

You have to get what is legally yours for your children's futures if nothing else.

Please look out for your interests. Nothing to gain from trying to maintain a friendship. You will be okay.

I remember you.

This man is not your friend, he has been utterly callous and cruel.

IF you are entitled to proceeds of the house, put the charge on. If he wants to make a settlement that makes it worth your while removing that, then he can go right ahead.

This is your right. Don't think for a second that he'd not hesitate from doing it to you if the shoe were on the other foot.

He's done FAR worse already.

Once that house is sold, you have NO chance of getting a penny off him.

BTW he's not your friend.

He's your ex.

He only wants to keep it friendly so he can keep you where he wants you - cowed and under his control.

He's scared of you growing and changing and becoming different so that he can't scare/dominate/dictate to you any longer.

Don't allow yourself to be kidded that he's your friend.

I've been there - he's not, it's not worth it.

OK first off I am not in any way shape or form a lawyer so this is merely my point of view.

Can you prove that you contributed towards the mortgage?

As you are saying he is only an exP not an exH unless you were named on any of the documents or paperwork you will find it very hard to prove that you are entitled to a share of his property.

Pretty much what was his in the relationship is his and what is yours is yours.

Unfortunately as your son is off to uni next year then I don't think you can use that as a way to say you are entitled to anything from the proceeds either.

Good luck if you do decide to go down this path.

Thank you all for responses.
I know he doesnt care about me, will say he still loves me and always will if I ask, but in reality if I never contacted him again he would not care. He is the opposite of controlling.
Its me , fighting to keep a friendship. Been through tons of counseling so I know what my issues are I suppose, doesn?t stop my heart from breaking as we have gone from being a family of 4 , now to 2 with my precious ds going to uni in September, I fight to try and keep some of my old life as I?m not keen on this new one

I bought him out of the mortgage 6 years ago and he bought his current property, the idea was we would continue to live together but he would use the house as a bolt house for when things were not good (got on great on holidays , days out weekends away but bickered non stop about day ? day stuff)he used 25 of 40 grand for deposit on new house, I gave him money for paint etc and helped with the décor, before we did anything else , only had keys 1 week, our fantastic gorgeous 19 year old d---
We barely left each other side for 2 years and my closest friend ended up renting his property and he remained in our house which by then was in my name only.
As my depression didn?t lift and we were having terrible arguments, he moved to his mums but we remained as a family holidays weekend away staying over at weekends etc, then I found bout his affair which he says could not be an affair as we were not living together
All I know is I want my old life back

All I know is I want my old life back Sorry sweetie this is the one thing you cannot have.

What you can do is let this man go and forget he exists. You gain nothing but heartache keeping him in your life even as a 'friend'.

Try and remember what you liked many years ago before you met this man and had children. Use your son going to uni as the time to pick up an old hobby, find a new one or do a course on something that really interests you.

I think as you brought him out of the property you now own and never lived there you have as much of a claim on that property as he has on yours.

It's clear you're still suffering greatly from the death of your son, and you have my sympathy. It's also clear that your relationship with your ex was very rocky for many years. Time being what it is, no-one can go back to a former life, no matter how much they'd like to. Pursuing that goal is an exercise in futility that, at worst, will make you very depressed and, at best, stuck in the past.

Given that you can't go back to the past and given that you can't rely on your ex to be a friend, what would you honestly like to happen next for you? Would your younger son going to uni give you the chance of a fresh start, for example? Could you contemplate a new location perhaps? If you can wrench yourself away from looking back and think about what happens next it may help you decide what is the best path to take.

I am so sorry that you lost your son :(

And I am sorry that you think that you have a friendship with your ex. You say that you dont want to lose this "friendship" but you dont have a friendship. It is you trying to cling onto the man you love when he doesnt love you. Not only is that not a friendship, it is also not good for your recovery.

Put a charge on the land registry after taking legal advice (and quick, once he sells you wont see a penny), and use the fact that he will no longer be in your life as a way to move on. Every time you try to cling onto him, you hurt yourself a little bit more. :(

HOnestly, you need to get whatever you are legally entitled to and walk away from this man. Trying to cling to him is harming you. He has made it very clear that he doesn't want anything more to do with you, and the more you pursue him for what crumbs you can force him to toss your way, the more you hurt yourself - and encourage him to hurt you.

Sorry, i missed the bit where you mentioned your son passing away. How incredibly sad and devastating for you

HI Hun

Ive read your post and one thing jumps out at me, and thats the loss of your child, I am really sorry for your loss as I do know how devastating this is, I too have lost a child, and it never leaves you.

I wonder if you are at a point in your grief where, if you allow yourself to let go of your ex and the last vestige of that relationship, then you effectively let go of your late child too and the life he inhabited with you both, as he is the last connection to that old life for you?

I wonder if the grieving process for you is stuck at some point, which is not enabling you to go forward. Remember you have two losses here your child and your relationship you had with your ex. I think you may have combined the two and ground to a halt, where you are enable to make clear distinctions between accepting the painful truth of your ex moving on ( bastard ) and the on going pain of the loss of a child. One you can move on with, I too have an ex, and he fucked around with my best mates whilst in the hospital with her and she was terminally ill. The loss of a child never goes away, time will smooth the edges babe, but keeping hold of your ex as a friend will not salve the pain for you, it will just add to it. Change is hard, particularly when there might be a bit of empty nest syndrome coming up as well, theres a fear maybe of being left alone, and no one will blame you for clinging on to whatever you can hold on to.

The awful truth is you cannot stand still as life demands we move all the time, you have a unique opportunity to start another phase of your life, its ok to be happy, you carry the memory of your son with you always every second of the day, think what would he be saying? would he want you to go forward and live life for him?

I hope you find a path that allows you to do this.

all the best GP x

Dear MP

I, too, remember you and my heart goes out to you; you are going through so much!

I think that the above post by GP001 is excellent and will probably help you more than anything that I can say. It is awful that you are having to think about financial matters when you are suffering from such dreadful grief. Do you have anyone who can help you in RL?

With very best wishes to you and your son and many congratulations to him on gaining a place at university; you must be so proud! x

please don't screw yourself out of money in hopes of maintaining what sounds like a completely one-sided "friendship" with your ex.

you don't want your DCs having to care for you and give you money in your old age. don't do that to them, they deserve to have a carefree life when they are young adults starting their own families.

see a solicitor and get your share. no-one else is going to take care of you, you need to do it yourself.

i remember your previous threads keenly and i am so sorry about the death of your son x

I remember you too

That life you want back was a sham, I'm sorry.

If you do the best for your boy and your shared future now, then you have a future.

Thank you everyone
i know i should do it, having such a bad day, how could HE and how could SHE do this. Iknow he lied to her initially but once she knew the truth how could she be happy to be in a relationship with him, knowing i could not cope with the los of my son and yet seeing her role as comforting him as i couldn't because i was so depressed, how do you use the loss of a child to start a relatonship
sorry but i hate her i know it's him i should hate and i do but i really hate her, how dare she talk to people about my son, how dare she use the loss of him to interfere in our lives, our youngest DS hates her and will never meet her, ep says he never wants them to meet as he does not want those seperate worlds to colide

Am so sorry about your son.

Agree with the others, you do need to put a notification at land registry and get legal advice. Don't miss out if you are due money.