another friendship cut loose...

[saulaboutme]

Basically will get to the point, 3 DC's, youngest is 6. Another mum has a child the same age. Became friends thorough them attending nursery together.

Over time she has shared that she is gay, has an on/off parner, has history of sexual abuse from her father, is a self harmer, has alcohol problems amongst other issues.

Another parent has told me that one night around at another friends house she propositioned her DH and tried to push him into a bathroom so they could have sex, had her hand down his trousers. Friends DH created almighty resistance to point where he had to be rescued, she was drunk + the kids were there including her own. WTF!! It was late, few bevvies.

Problem is she is usually really nice, although sometimes pushes it with sexual inuendo, and I'm really angry with her. She has told me her version and left out the bathroom and rest of it saying she was just being herself and having abit of fun and they took it the wrong way...WTF!

She has been on about my husband which I don't find funny, the usual 'only joking'...I'm not laughing. I've distanced myself from her and just feel like telling her fo F off. She has a reputation of going mental with people trying to kiss them, touching them up etc, really embarressing when we've been out and inappropriate. Her problems shouldn't be an excuse to maul everyone...so WTF should I do?

What do you want to do?

It sounds like you dislike her behaviour. You are perfectly entitled on that basis alone to stop seeing her.

Her problems, sad as they are, are her own to handle.

Sounds like she has serious issues as a result of her sexually abusive past and she is acting out her trauma in unhealthy ways. It's not pretty, (and becoming overtly inappropriately sexual is something SA survivors do sometimes) BUT she obviously is in real need of professional help, and it is really very sad and she is to be pitied in the sense that her past is robbing her of her happiness.

Unless you've been abused as a child, or suffered something equally traumatic like rape, you have no idea how much hurt and self-loathing a person can be concealing, and how screwed up your behaviour can become until one day you wake up and realise you have no one left.

So please don't scorn her. On the other hand, you're not qualified to give her the help she needs, and her behaviour is toxic to your DCs, so I'd talk to her and tell her 'Sorry, but you cannot keep her as a friend, because you can see how much her past is still affecting her badly, and she needs to seek help with a Doctor, Counsellor or phone Rape Crisis, but you feel you're not qualified to support her and it's too much for you to deal with, along with looking after your DCs.' Tell her you really hope she seeks the help she needs, but its all too much for you. Then end the relationship.

Don't just cut her off without explanation, she could start internalising that she's a crap person etc.

Thanks for the replies,

I don't want to cut her off but I'm worried if she's around me and my DH and she does that it won't be pretty...sorry if that sounds harsh. She uses her child wants to play with mine as an excuse to try and come over and forgets to leave. She keeps wanting to come in the evening so the kids can play which I've said no to. We've done during the day at half term, and then I have to make an excuse we have to go out so she will HAVE to leave.

You're right I'm not qualified to help her with her issues and would not want her to feel awful but I'm angry as it's like because of all her issues she has an excuse and then V V sorry the next day, I have distanced myself and now am really cautious. I suppose that's the way it has to be.
She does internalise and texts at all hours which I eventually have to ignore, I have no idea how it feels for her and I hope having no one left doesn't happen to her, lots of people are talking about her which is sad and I know alot of it and hate pretending I don't know about things she's done.

She is crossing way too many boundaries. Texts at all hours that you "eventually" have to ignore? You can choose to read and respond to them all, and you can choose to ignore them from the very first.

No doubt she handles rejection badly and internalises it, due to her history of abuse, and you are a kind person to feel for her. But her emotional reactions are not yours to manage: they are hers alone. You are perfectly entitled to choose where your limits lie, inform her, and enforce them.

It may be the kindest thing in the long run. Disordered people need to face the consequences of their behaviour before they are motivated to seek help and change.

again thanks, really good advice. The friend who told me about the kitchen incident was her good friend for years and she's finding it hard to forgive other things she has done. Thanks guys as it hasn't been sitting right with me all day.
She has tried help and tries not to drink which isn't easy but all the combinations are bad. She is responsible for her happiness and destiny I suppose.

Inform and enforce. Will do that.

Just an update on this situation. The latest is on Jubilee weekend she text me to ask if it would be ok to come over as I have a great view of the river, I say , reluctantly, ok...but it transpires that it's not just her, it's + lots of family! I was so mad! so said no sorry but I was not having a party. She says she let it slip I have a great view and they put her in an awful position?? bearing in mind the advice I've been given, I said I was mad with her but not going to hold a grudge and it's not to happen again. Really don't want to have her around me anymore as I feel she just wanted to get in here to watch the floatilla and was using her family as an excuse so I wouldn't say no...which I did...

There is more to this such as she asked me to lie to them if I see them as she was saying to them that I'm away (????)