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Relationships

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Original poster

Really angry with friend and not sure why

21 replies

holdingagrudge · 30/05/2012 09:36

I've namechanged. My issue is that I am really, really angry with a friend of mine to the point that I don't want to spend any time with her. But I don't really understand why I am this upset about something that is really nothing.

We are close friends who are friends because we happen to live near to each other and have similar aged children. It's taken a while to build the friendship but I like to think we are pretty good friends now.

Earlier this year I asked if her and her family would like to join us camping during half-term. We wouldn't ordinarily go camping but I thought that it would be fun if we had friends to go with. She said yes. So I booked. She then started to be wishy washy about it saying that they were still coming but weren't sure how long they'd be coming because her husband needed to work. Fair enough.

Then a few weeks ago she said that they weren't coming any more because they couldn't afford the tank of petrol to drive there. Fair enough again. Who am I to question whether someone can afford something and petrol is expensive.

The same week, she then drove to the exact same area that we are going camping in to stay with a friend. Not only did they drive there, they also drove there twice as her husband had to return for work and then go back to pick them up.

That irritated me as she'd said they couldn't afford to drive there to camp with us. And then the cherry on the top came when she said that they would pop in and see us while we are camping because they'll be staying down there with her friend. WTF?

I just want to be able to shrug this off and say: well she obviously had her reasons for not wanting to go camping with us so get over it. But I feel really, really angry. I'm trying to figure out why this is irritating me so much. Is it her flakiness and bold-face lying that has actually turned me off her for good so that I don't want to be friends anymore?

It's got to the point where I am purposefully avoiding her because I genuinely don't want to spend time with her. I know I need to speak to her to clear the air but it sounds so pathetic a reason to be cross that I can't face doing it.

The phrase 'hell has no fury like the wrath of a woman scorned' springs to mind. But I really am angry with myself for getting so worked up about this. Apologies this is so long. If anyone has any suggestions on how to get over this, please share.

OP posts:

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/05/2012 09:55

For whatever reason, benign or malicious, you've been rejected and lied to when you were trying to do something nice and that's annoying. Friends should be able to be up front with each other. If camping wasn't her thing... if she likes you but not enough to spend a whole weekend together... if she had a prior commitment and couldn't afford both trips.... all perfectly valid and I'm sure you wouldn't have been offended by any of those reasons.

Rather than avoid, why not show her how it's done? Explain that you'd have been OK with it if she'd been straight with you. Give her a chance to tell you the truth.

Babylon1 · 30/05/2012 09:57

Maybe she just doesn't fancy the idea of camping and doesn't want to hurt your feelings as you've gone to the trouble of organising?

If that's the case tho, she should've just said no, I don't like camping.

HippoPottyMouth · 30/05/2012 10:06

I can see why you're angry!
I think a straight out question is a good idea, rather than simmering and sulking if she does deign to visit you.

pictish · 30/05/2012 10:14

Eeek tricky.

pictish · 30/05/2012 10:16

I would say something myself. I know I couldn't keep that one quiet.

I would be calm though and simply state my case.

"I'm feeling awkward around you at the moment, because you lied to me and hurt my feelings."

Original poster

holdingagrudge · 30/05/2012 10:57

thanks for all the advice. Re her not wanting to camp - she is a big camper. We aren't. We planned it because it's something she likes doing. Now we're left doing something we'd rather not when we could be elsewhere.

I think I need to say something to her instead of sulking because it's really childish, I just don't know how to say it without causing a storm in a teacup. I like your suggestion pictish.

OP posts:

Proudnscary · 30/05/2012 12:20

She's just not that into you.

Seriously.

Let it go and accept she doesn't value your friendship.

PooPooInMyToes · 30/05/2012 13:41

I would feel the same if someone lied to me so blatantly. You have to wonder if she thinks you are stupid to have not seen through that one! Or perhaps she is the stupid one for thinking she would get away with it!

Did you end up being left with the bill for the camping seeing as she has dropped out? Has it left you out of pocket as well as doing something you wouldn't normally want to do?

I would be direct with her and tell her you are pissed off that she felt the need to lie.

complexo · 30/05/2012 13:53

I would tell her she is a nasty piece of work for making you think you were going camping together and let you organise everything and than dropping at the last minute with such a lame excuse. Are you sure there wasn't a miscomunication or misunderstanding? It seems like you put more effort into the friendship than she does..I have a friend like this, she likes to make friends with other mums her childrens age so she can use them for play dates when there is nothing else better to do or even free childcare. And she always makes sure her needs come first and thinks nothing of letting other people down when she decides to change her mind. We know she is like this and we know how to deal with her...maybe your friend see you as someone in the neighbourhood who she can hang up with when suits her??

complexo · 30/05/2012 13:53

Original poster

holdingagrudge · 30/05/2012 17:04

I'm not out of pocket. I hadn't paid for her but did have to go back and forth several times to the campsite saying how many sites we potentially needed. I think she's just one of those 'flaky' people who say they'll do something but aren't actually committing to it, even though it sounds that way to any normal person. In her head it's easier to say yes than to make a definitive decision and then back out later. She did the same thing last week when we'd arranged for a group of us to go out for dinner. She was one of the organisers behind the idea along with me. On the day I said 'are you ready for this evening'. She said: oh I'm not coming as I can't get a babysitter. Turns out (according to another friend) she had forgotten.

We're moving soon so am not beating myself up over this if the friendship ends - it just saddens me as she was the 'best' friend I have here.

I did send her an email today explaining (calmly I feel - plenty of rewrites!) how I feel. No reply yet.

OP posts:

NeatFreak · 30/05/2012 17:15

I would book into another campsite far away frin where she is visiting her friend then forget about it.

complexo · 30/05/2012 20:42

Just don't make any more arrangments with her, what is the point? And you are moving anyway, so..

Bumdrop · 30/05/2012 21:10

I have been in similar situation...
As the friend.
Been invited away with friend and family andkids
I've accepted, got excited and,then dp said he didnt want to,
Just didnt fancy a,holiday with them.
I had to make excuses, didnt want to say my dp didnt like her that much..
Sometimes the truth hurts and we make excuses to protect......

complexo · 31/05/2012 07:50

Wow but hear excuse was a very dumb one saying she doesn't have money for petrol and driving to the same area and even 'popping in' during the holidays that she said she couldn't go. This is ludicrous. and as for you above don't try and make excuses that your partner didn't want to go or didn't like your friend and you made excuses to protect. You should know how your partner feels about your friend and going on holidays together before letting your friends making plans and arrange everything. Anyway...I bet your friend would rather hear the truth so she could concentrate making real friends not the ones who uses people for convenience. .

complexo · 31/05/2012 07:51

I meant: OP's friend's excuse was very dumb.

complexo · 31/05/2012 07:51

I meant: OP's friend's excuse was very dumb.

OhNoMyFanjo · 31/05/2012 07:59

Could it be her dh dosent want to stay with your family and she didn't want to say? Might well just be she got a better offer and didn't know how to say so. Probably best you hold onto the upset skittle, otherwise you might find yourself in a similar position again.

Bumdrop · 31/05/2012 08:11

There is a difference between dp liking smeone enough to spend time with them,
And liking them enough to go on holiday ...
Just a thought ....

complexo · 31/05/2012 08:23

So consult with your partner before getting excited and confirming with someone you are going on holidays with them. Sounds like a reasonable idea?

OhNoMyFanjo · 31/05/2012 08:34

This has just reminded me of the time I went away with dh (before he was h), went we're going with his uncle and aunt and another uncle. Other uncle was bringing his new gf. So we were sat waiting for other uncle and gf to arrive, it was 6am and having a cuppa in uncle and aunties house. In they come and her face is a picture, she had no idea we were also going, infact he'd even said they were just picking something up. None of us had met her before, or saw her since

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