How long?

[hidingbeneathanamechange]

I have been married for 12 years, and during that time DH and I went through some tough times. Our marriage was not good, and marred by a lack of communication. However, over the last year everything did start to turn around. Issues seemed to be resolved, and I thought we were happy.

2 months ago DH confessed he was unhappy, said there was no OW, said we needed to work on things, and we did. Everything seemed great, we went away on holiday, had fun, laughed a lot, generally cleared things up. After about a month of this he started to withdraw again, stopped having sex with me, and eventually confessed to an affair. This apparently started 7 months ago, lasted 2 months, and now is mainly text/email based as he can only see her when he is in NY on business (she is an overseas colleague).

I have now moved out into a flat, and we spend some evenings and weekends together, and are supposedly working on it. When we are together it is great, we have a lot of fun and generally enjoy each other's company. During the week when he is away on business he broods, can only see the downsides, and is in communication with OW.

I am being reasonable, and can see why the affair started. I'm not angry, or jealous, just very very hurt. I haven't asked him to end it, merely stall and cut off communication whilst we try to make a go of it.

The thing is I don't think he can cut the contact. He says he needs to clear his head, and everyone in RL tells me constantly not to rush things, not to make any rash decisions. So what do I do? How long do I wait? Obviously if he does not break contact we are setting ourselves up to fail, and no amount of working on things will help.

Any advice, other people's experience would be a huge help. I'm feeling very lost.

Thanks

Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't put you first ahead of other women? If you do make a go of it could you really get over the fact that he didn't love and respect you enough to stop contact with the OW while working through it and that you weren't number one?

I don't think I could be with someone who did that.

Also yes your marriage might have been in difficulty but that doesn't mean it is ok to cheat.

Ok... Please listen here, I'm trying to help you.

You want to 'fight' for him? I need you to understand something ok? Your 'fighting' is the quickest and most definite definite way to lose him! Making yourself available to him despite what he does devalues you in his eyes and makes you less appealing. It also allows his continued contact with the other woman and the continuing comparisons he is making between you - all the time you're being devalued his opinion of her is on the up! He has respect and lust for her... And pity and some (maybe hidden) disdain for you.

The only way you will focus his mind and get him back to you emotionally now is to change the dynamics here! Take back control, tell him she's welcome to him, separate, cut contact with him, let him see you in a new light as a strong woman he can respect and has lost (and really make him believe that)! This will put you up in his estimations and show him what he's lost! That's the only way to get him back! You may think this will just push him towards the OW, and there is a chance of that, but it also has a good chance of shocking him into action when you're no longer there as the back up plan. Giving him space to decide won't do any good - he'll just use it to delay any difficult decisions and keep both plates spinning.

It's like the push/pull theory - the more you push towards someone the more they pull away. If you then stop pushing and sart pulling away from them they (usually) start coming back towards you.

Carry on as you are at your peril, you're just enabling him and this situation to continue. And all the while he loses respect and love for you and he will inevitably go to her anyway. Unfair but true!

Your second option is just to decide you don't want him back!

Best of luck! I really feel for you and I know it's hard.
X

You know what guys, I'm going to be ok. I think I just grew up
Thanks for everything

Do you have children? I didn't see any reference.
If not, you are already living apart...he is doing his own thing and you are sitting around (metaphorically) taking the brunt.
What do you want? Can you accept that this phase of your life with this particular man is over? There are other, better, fish in the sea...

Today I found out who she is. All a bit random, and facebook related of course, but I have a name, a photo and a cv, so what more does one need to know!

Weirdly this makes it seem far more real, and has moved us both on to a position where we are sure we don't want each other. I previously wanted to keep him, and he was wobbling a bit and unsure.

I am really scared about having to move out, find work, and basically start again from scratch in London. I once had a golden CV and worked in the top companies in the City, but with a career gap no one wants me.

I can accept why our marriage ended, but it is so unfair that my H is able to continue as was, be it with a different woman in his bed, and I have literally nothing of my old life left.

I'm not expecting anything back here, I'm just whinging. I'll snap out of it and get on with life in the morning.

I was looking through my name change history earlier and came across this thread, which I started way back in 2012. To update those who helped me, as your advice did help, I did leave and start divorce proceedings. It was very amicable, and DH and I somehow managed to talk through and sort out our problems along the line becoming good friends. Regulars may recognise me now.

Today we are still married with 2 dc. It's a new relationship, he's different, nicer. He's given up his high power career to allow him time to focus on family life. I'm different too. Independent and self assured. I like him, still love him (but not how I did before), but I don't need him.

That's it really, just one story among many on here.

Thank you again to all who kicked me out of my misery and made me take control of my life .

I am happy for you OP. I hope your H realises how lucky he is to have been given a second chance.
How dis it get from divorce proceedings to being back together again? And what became of the OW?
i really hope you never have to see her again (like I do, my husband's 'mistake' - we see her regularly at social events)