Relationship over. Hurting so much.

[WrongOnceAgain]

Hi everyone, this thread, under a different name, was mine
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1415255-Boyfriend-has-just-announced-hes-depressed-and-left-the-house-crying-dont-know-what-to-do
I laughed at those who suggested he had 'another woman' in response to this thread. I thought - what the fuck? We're twenty! We have a good sex life. Why would he cheat on me?
I was a fucking idiot.
I have also been the username 'redwineandchocolate' posting threads about the fact that I thought I had irrational jealousy issues - feeling genuinely guilty that lately, I have felt jealous for reasons I couldn't put my finger on. Clearly my jealousy was not so irrational after all.

But now I find that I have finished my degree, and my friends tell me the truth about my partner. He has been seeing another girl on and off since March 2011. March-May 2011 he saw her about once a week, and told her he didn't have a girlfriend and didn't have facebook (so she didn't realise he was lying). He lied to my face. He had oral sex with this girl twice both ways - so four sex acts. She never knew he was in a relationship - I've spoken to her to get the facts and actually, she seems like a nice person. She told him to tell me but still he waited for me to find out through mutual friends. She has told me many details about their relationship that I believe, for instance that he told her they could be boyfriend and girlfriend.
I'm so fucking devastated to the depth of my being. Two nights ago I was having sex with my boyfriend, cuddling him, feeling so ridiculously happy. I now find out my relationship was based on fuck all.
My head is in a mess and this post makes no sense but please come and look after me a bit. My 21st birthday is in a week, I've just finished my degree, I should be happy, but it's all gone to shit.

Oh the women who posted on my previous post were so, so right. I wish I'd believed you at the time.

I'm sorry they were right. It's so hurtful and he has no morals at all...to live such deceit...no one deserves to be treated like that.

feel so sorry for you OP. i can see your world has come crashing down.

Some good things:
You have finished your degree and hopefully your world will now open up to new and better opportunities, not to mention new and better friendships and relationships,

You now know that you can trust your instincts.

You are rid of a two-faced, backbone-less cheater

There are better people out there and YOU deserve better.

Big hugs to you tonight OP

I'm so sorry you've been let down so badly. He is a shit, and I only hope he learns the meaning of respect soon, before he lets down future partners and children too. I know it doesn't feel like it now (and apologies if I missed something in an earlier post) but you are very, very lucky you have found out now before there are kids involved. You don't have to put up with this - it will hurt for a while, but you'll be stronger in the end. (((hug)))

You poor love. Have a glass of wine and a good cry. You're in shock and it's natural and normal to feel devastated and grief stricken. You're not only grieving for the loss of him, but the loss of what you thought you had all along, which turned out to be an illusion. That's very hard, so go extremely easy on yourself.
Have you got friends in RL who will let you cry on them and give you loads of hugs and chocolate? Because that's what you need right now.

I'm very glad you got the answers and info you need from OW, that's a gift frankly as it will help with closure and you will never be left wondering and feeling like it was you who was crazy to suspect him.
Also, fucking high five - your instincts are good! This is excellent.

Take it easy and keep talking here - you will feel better with time, promise. You are so young and he is just a stupid twatcunt who doesn't deserve you. You will move on to better things now you have been freed from knobface.

Oh sweetheart, you don't deserve this at all. He's a manipulative bastard and you are well rid, even though it doesn't feel like that now, I'm sure.

Thanks everyone. I think my friends did the right thing - they have known for a while, but wanted to wait for me to finish final year exams before they told me; they did the right thing I think.
What I find amazing is the idea of him going to this girl's house, pretending to be single and 'dating' her, then coming home to me. Going down on her, then going down on me. The thought is sickening in every way.
It's going to be hard. We lived together, he was the one person I really thought I could trust. I love him so much. This is very difficult. I've got to break up with him obviously, but it is going to be a fucking difficult few months.
I've got friends in RL and a very good cuddly mum who is a good provider of wine. But I thought I should post here, if only to tell the wise women of Mumsnet 'hey, you were right! My boyfriend is a prick'.
Thank you xxx

You are hurting so much. It's pain you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy. It will pass and in time you will be happy again. You will also fall in love again with someone who is worth it. Look after yourself x

I'm so sorry Wrong , it's just that if you stick around here long enough you learn how these gits operate, hence the popularity of "leave the bastard".

No-one really want's to be right, re suspicion of OW, it's just that 95% of the time there is one lurking behind the scenes.

Be glad you didn't marry him and have children. Your mum sounds ace.

So sorry to hear this has happened to you.

If you take one thing only from this experience, let it be to always trust your instincts. Seriously.

Thank you everyone. It's horrible. I can't stop picturing him with her. The awful thing is the idea of him doing it so long ago in 2011 and the sheer lies and deception. I actually saw an email from her once, very flirtatious, saying 'can't wait for next weekend' - I was so trusting of him at the time that I fucking LAUGHED and said 'aw, poor girl's sent this to the wrong email, let's reply and tell her she's got the wrong person'. Evidence staring me in the face.
Then he tried to start things up again with her in October 2011, ringing her all the time, and again in spring 2012. All my happy memories with him around those times all now seem based on nothing.
I thought he was the most lovely man I'd ever met and the least likely person to ever cheat on me. All of my friends are amazed. It's such a shock.

I remember you're thread. I'm so sorry.

You seem like a lovely person, smart and caring. You will meet someone equally lovely in time. You're still very young. You don't want to be in a relationship with constant worries, jealousy etc it's not healthy.

Time will heal this, it won't feel like it yet but coming from someone who has been there, you will look back on this one day and thank that useless knobber for raising your standards in men.

Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine. Congrats on finishing uni! Your life is just beginning!

I'm sorry you are hurting but really dry your eyes and put this down to experience, because you will never let this happen to you again, and you will go into all future relationships with your eyes wide open and very aware.

At your age I was married, and separated at 23, I thought I would never find anyone honest and decent, but I did, and you will too!

Have a wonderful birthday, you have so much to look forward to, please don't dwell on what you have lost, just concentrate on your wonderful and exciting future.

Those thoughts that are hurting so much at the moment, all that stuff in your mind that you can't stop going over - trust me - that will stop, in time!

Trust karma! You'll look back on this period and learn so much from it. He is the loser. It's only you and your life that matters now.