Is this rape?

[ihavequestions]

I've been in two abusive relationships in the past, and recognised the emotional/financial/physical side of things. But I'd always assumed that I hadn't been sexually abused. But now am not so sure.

The first case was with my first partner, he thought I was asleep (I am sure of this), well I was to start with, but he woke me up. I didn't react though, just stayed as if I was asleep as I wanted to see what he was up to (he seemed to be being stealthy). He had sex with me and I gave no reaction other than the normal signs of being in deep sleep. Does this count as rape or did I effectively consent by not actively refusing?

And my second partner always used to pressure me to have sex and say I was a lesbian if I didn't want to, after being horrible in other ways (emotional/physical abuse). At the time I didn't think this was sexual abuse, but now I feel like I was coerced. Also the general atmosphere of the relationship made me feel I automatically had to do what he wanted, so I wouldn't have felt comfortable refusing in general, even if I'd thought of doing so.

Yes both situations were rape. Consent doesn't mean not saying no, or agreeing in order to keep the peace, it means an enthusiastic yes, and full participation, which wasn't the case with either partner. I'm so sorry that you went through that.

How are you feeling?

Oh I'm not emotionally upset about it now (although intellectually angry it happened). I have read a lot since, like Why Does He Do That?, and the Freedom Programme, so I know what to look out for in future.

Unfortunately I'm still involved with the second person (separated but not divorced) because we have a daughter. He is still controlling and bullying and critical over contact etc, which is obviously unpleasant and stressful. But hopefully I will be moving away nearer my family and new partner soon so he may calm down then, when he sees me less often. I don't see him alone any more, but two of the three contact times are with his family, and they don't rein him in so he's still abusive in front of them. When I move I should be able to get someone who's on my side to supervise so he will behave better.

If he is abusive in front of anyone, stop contact. seriously.

I think I wanted to know what he was capable of/willing to do really. There was other stuff he'd done before which I knew I didn't like, but I didn't know if he was actually abusive until then. Although I still wasn't thinking of it in that terminology at the time, but I knew that wasn't right for sure. I did confront him about it the next day, he seemed a bit embarrassed but didn't deny it. That's why I wasn't sure if it counted, because I didn't stop him. I have Aspergers, maybe this affected the choice I made in that case compared to most people?

My solicitor knows what he does and she hasn't advised stopping seeing him (other than originally suggesting a non-molestation order so he'd see her in a contact centre, which I didn't take up because long-term it would have been worse overall for the circumstances of contact).

She says the court doesn't care what he says in front of our daughter because she's too young to understand and therefore they don't think it affects her. I disagree with this for several reasons, but if the court isn't going to back me up on it there doesn't seem any point trying to stop it.

Anyway, he behaves in front of my friend from the baby group who supervises once a week, so when I move it should be fine as I'll have other friends and family to do it rather than his family (who are also bad influences on her, with their various messed up views, e.g. racism).

Sorry Op but that does sound like rape to me

lost how about he kept his dick to himself

I can understand why you didn't stop him OP. I think someone who hasn't been worn down by emotional/physical abuse probably would say 'what the hell do you think you're doing?!' But it sounds like you just needed confirmation that he was really that bad (abusively), if that makes sense?

Yes, it didn't seem any worse really at the time than his controlling behaviour overall, so that one incident wasn't as big a deal as it might have been to someone else, it was just one more symptom of it. But a clearer one perhaps, that I could actually point to and say 'this is illegal'.

I hate that question. The OP does not have to explain her reactions to either rape, nor try to justify anything she did or did not do in response. It's too close to victim blaming IMO. Far better to ask him why the fuck he thought he could do that.

How are you feeling about all of this now? It sounds like this has been at the front of your mind- do you think you might need to ask for help with your memories of the abuse?

I think this is affecting you but you're trying to hold things together? Re-reading your posts, what does the solicitor say about his behaviour, have you told the solicitor everything? Worried about you OP, you seem detached from the emotional side if all of this x

It was at the front of my mind cos I read some threads recently about other members being raped, and I'd always wondered if it counted, so I asked.

I've always been quite philosophical about stuff, I don't think there's a problem with it or I need counselling or anything. I've been upset during/just after some incidents, but my brain just kind of naturally moves on from stuff when it isn't actively happening, in an emotional sense at least. Probably an Aspergers trait.

Intellectually I know it's wrong, and of course I don't want it to affect my daughter long-term, but practically I just get on with it until the situation can be improved when I move.

I haven't told the solicitor every detail, she knows I have a diary of what he's done. And have told her the "worst" stuff (i.e. physical, threats etc) and some of the controlling behaviour he exhibits. She advises not letting him see her alone (which I wouldn't anyway) as he's made "jokes" like about strangling her (and me).

I know that courts give unsupervised contact to loads of abusive fathers, and that there is an expectation that even supervised contact in a centre would eventually move onto that (even though the underlying behaviour won't have changed, they just behave in front of staff temporarily) so I felt going that route wasn't going to protect her as well as putting up with it for a while and then having family supervise long-term.