Why do I feel like this?

[notahappycamper]

After nearly 10 years with him I saw a solicitor today to start divorce proceedings. It is what I want. I hate him. He has been abusive in all ways - physically, emotionally, financially etc. Last week one of our DDs cut her hair and he ranted at her "you're fucking stupid" and "you fucking idiot" over and over.She is 6. After we left a friend's house the eldest asked if they knew that "daddy is mean?"
He doesnt know where I've been. He always says we will always be together and he will never leave. He doesnt think I could see a solicitor - after all I am shit (according to him)
So why do I feel so shitty - like I'm betraying him?
I want to feel normal again but I suppose it will be a long time before that will happen. None of my friends in RL have been through divorce, neither have family so I have nobody to ask.

Why do people get upset when their vicious dog has to be put down? Some things fall into the category of 'painful but necessary'. 10 years of being told you're 'shit' (and more besides, I expect) is also going to have an effect on your self-esteem. And spending 10 years of tiptoeing round an arse like that, trying to keep him happy means you're going to feel a little guilty at pulling the rug from under his feet. Never mind. You've stood up for yourself and your child(ren) and if there were medals for gumption, I'd be pinning one on you.

Because he has conditioned you to feel like you can't do anything of your own accord. Plus you are a normal kind person who doesn't like going behind people's backs. Add those two together along with your husband's smug arrogance and you have a potent recipe for guilt.

You are absolutely doing the right thing.

It's so easy to underestimate the effect of being exposed to this kind of abuse. I'm only just starting to come to terms with the effect that my emotionally abusive parents have had on me. As CailinDana says, you have been conditioned to believe that you're not capable of making good decisions and follow through on them. Good for you for pushing through the guilt and making the decision to put yourself first. It is really important to put your own happiness first. You don't need this man in your life - well done for taking back control.

Many thanks for your kind words - it feels like fishing for compliments and has brought tears to my eyes! I know that I am a normal person - I feel grumpy with the kids at times, pissed off at others etc. Its just at home where I have tried to change into the person he has wanted me to be - obviously I cant change myself enough for him and my spirit has been slowly squeezed out of me for a long time. If you knew me outside my home you would say there are two different people.
It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I do need to put myself first like you said lotta. He has been saying for a long time "Is that what you want? To bring the kids up in a broken home." But it is broken - I can see that, we just happen to still live together.
I guess that I will feel every emotion under the sun before I get to the end of this!

'It is hard to come to terms with the fact that I do need to put myself first like you said lotta'

It's really hard! You've had years of drip-drip-drip abuse and that will naturally have changed the way you see yourself. If it helps, when I first started seeing my therapist I had difficulty even naming the feelings that I had - it sounds like you're way ahead of where I was! You know what you're feeling, you're just not sure why, but feelings always have a reason and they find a way of expressing themselves one way or another.

I'm glad you're not falling for the 'broken home' line. I could just scream every time I hear that line trotted out on TV by some twit. My parents are still married, have been for 34 years but I would say that I grew up in a broken home - it was 'together' on the outside but hellish on the inside. It would have been better for everyone's mental health if my parents had chosen to live separately. In my experience, staying together for the sake of the kids is a bad decision, if there really is nothing else keeping you together.

Good luck - it's a long road but you are taking the first very brave steps and you are worth so much more than he can give you

"obviously I cant change myself enough for him"

Especially not when the goal-posts keep moving. You're lucky in a way that you have an 'outside home' persona to compare. Won't it be wonderful to be that person all the time? Do talk to friends and family. Friends don't have to have been through a divorce to sympathise. You may find that they've been worried about you for a while but didn't like to say anything. (I lost count of all the friends that said 'we didn't want to interfere but we thought your ex was an arse') Yes, you'll probably feel like you've been through an emotional mangle at points in this process but you sound quite determined and I think you'll be OK

....So why do I feel so shitty...
I think that we (our generation) were conditioned to believe that we got hit/smacked/shouted at/abused when we were "naughty" and so I think that often women in abusive relationships still feel, on some level, that if someone is abusing them then they must be bad.

I have reread through all the posts and this person (ie me - funny how detached it seem!) does seem quite strong today. But I dont always feel like this - sometimes lurching up and down several times in a day. Suppose I need to get used to these swings in emotion but dig down deep when I feel like stopping the ball rolling.
I have already been through the "its me, I'm crap, I can put up with this for the sake of everyone else" but last week when he was so abusive to DD2 and DD1 cried and told me she was frightened of her daddy will haunt me to the day I die. They are being affected by this now and if I dont do something about it for all our sakes, those poor girls will end up with some deadbeats like him.

Hello camper

You are being incredibly brave and doing the right thing.

I left my abusive ex and it still hurt like hell. But it was necessary.

Big hugs x

I came across a German proverb today "better an end with horror than horror without end". Stay strong and good luck. Change is almost always scary/ difficult, even if it is change for the better.

Brilliant AmI

Yep ending any relationship is painful and hard even when its the right thing to do

I left an abusive and controlling husband, many years ago now. It was incredibly scary. I felt huge amounts of guilt about upsetting our little boy, which his father played on for years afterwards. Now our son is 19... He understands totally why I left. And it was the best thing I ever did. I got my life back. Please stay strong! 'To thine own self be true'.

Thank you everyone
Paula - I will adopt that as my mantra!

Are you still living in the same house as him? Is so, are you safe when he finds out about the divorce proceedings?

Sorry if I have missed this, but it just sounds a bit worrying if you are still sharing a house.

Lotta-same here. My mum and dad were together 40 years before he died and happy for about 10 of em! I grew up in a cold atmosphere with constant rows and days of silences. I wouldn't wish it on any child.

Agatha - Thanks for the concern.
Yes we are in the same house and that is a concern - but the solicitor will send a letter that spells out that I will call the police if he does anything to threaten or hurt me and how this will affect access to the children.
I just have to hope that nothing will happen. And I have made plans to go away for a few wks in the summer as soon as he is contacted. But I will have to ride this storm that is coming! He will be shocked that I have done this - hopefully it will cool him a bit

I like that mantra too...it is similar to what I said to myself many times, but I was never so eloquent. My ex H told me that I had ruined his life by ending our marriage, but the alternative was to ruin mine. Three years later, he knows that his life is far from ruined, although I am 100% certain that he would never admit that to me, or apologise.

Take strength from all of us here who have walked in your shoes, and come out the other side (often in something higher, sparklier and sexier!)

He is clearly abusive - emotionally if not yet physically. Having confirmation from a solicitor that you are to divorce him could make the abuse turn physical, either towards you or your children.

I think it would be a good idea to speak to Women's Aid about your situation and take advice from them. It may be better to move out for a short time until he has left the family home. Yours and your childrens safety is paramount.

Well done though, on taking such a massive a brave step already.