Men on here - please answer my question

[mintytown]

Do men continue to have feelings or can they just switch them off (in a way women can't seem to) once they decide not to continue with a relationship?
Thanks for your answer!!!

Of course we do! We're not robots you know!

What's happened? You don't need to answer, but a burden shared...

Some people can do that.

Have been known to myself, in the past, where a relationship got too difficult and I had decided finally that it was over.

Was a lot younger then, though, and no kids involved.

some women can, and do, switch their feelings off in a heartbeat

some men will cling on and on when the relationship is waaaay past dead

you will see examples of that on this here message board

I am not sure you are going to get any answers here that will help you, OP

are you ok ?

Usually depends if someone else comes along!

I think men can suffer emotionally. I did when I split up with my exw but 3 months later I met someone else and became totally wrapped up in that.

When that ended, I was devastated for some time. Took me about 6 months to get over that one.

I still have some feelings for my first wife but not in a sexual way. She is the mother of my child and I care about her.

well a man I have liked (had huge crush on)for years told me he has had strong feelings for years about me as well. We are both (very unhappily married) but we don't want to mess up our childrens lifes. Nothing has happened except 2 conversations and since then (2 months ago) we have not been in contact at all. I think about him all the time and wonder if he still has feelings for me or did he just say all that and then forget about me once it was unburdened if yswim.
He is a nice guy not a player and I am not horrible either I just wish I knew

:0(

Minty,

I think it totally depends on the relationship. I don't think men can turn their feelings on or off in a blink any more than women can. I do think, however, men are conditioned not to mope and maybe that conditioning helps us. We have to act upbeat even when we do not feel it and I find that frequently feelings follow actions and not vice versa.

Also, I am not sure men are as vindictive as women in relationships, especially those involving children. I have no idea why that is. Maybe it is because, on average, women sacrifice more to be in the relationship in the first place. I do think forums like this one, though, do little to help people move on and tend to encourage vitriol and bile towards exes, which is extremely damaging where children are involved.

I don't think it's a personality thing either, I have had three separate situations where I had feelings, really strong feelings, for someone for a long time and then something happened which just suddenly turned them off. It usually wasn't anything the person themselves had done, just circumstance - in one case, I saw a person's actions in a different light (although that wasn't as long a crush as the others), in another it was weird - I was fixated on my ex while with a subsequent boyfriend, and when I got over that boyfriend, I also got over the ex. And then the one which was most in the past was where someone else came along and my feelings were so strong for him that they eclipsed the feelings for the previous crush.

If you look at the music charts it would seem it's the other way around! Always men and male singers with these mopey songs about why did she leave me, please take me back, my heart is BROKEN etc etc whereas the women's songs are more about picking yourself up and starting again

In your case I think it's more likely he probably does still have feelings, but he isn't going to act on them because of his marriage.

I also think larry is wrong about forums encouraging vile and bitriol, what a strange thing to think.

vile and bitriol?

I can't speak for how women feel, but as lots of people pointed out on my thread, it's probably erroneous to see it as a difference between men and women. Some people might be able to switch emotions on and off easier, but I'm certainly not one.

Though I'm not sure that's actually the answer you're after anyway.

Bertie,

How many posts are there calling men twunts, cunts, adult children etc etc? Even when it is true, how is it helpful? They will still be the father of the children involved and the OPs and partners will still have to co-parent. Once it is decided that someone has crossed a line and a relationship is over, then just finish it and start co-parenting responsibly.

I can see why you may disagree with my view on this forum but I cannot see how you could possibly find it "strange" that I might think it.

I also really don't understand why he told me all the stuff he told me and then just walk away from it all? I will probably see him at some point (loosely in each others social circle) and really wonder how difficult that will be for both of us?
Why say all that stuff (he was not trying to get me into bed or kiss me or anything like that it was def not that sort of thing 100%) literally just poured his heart out then nothing?

it's like he dropped a bomb in my life then just wandered off without a backward glance. I know loads of people who know him very well he is considered a great person and I know he is not an idiot type of person (apart from with me :0) and a real family man and very well thought of etc

I don't think it does encourage people to hold grudges, though. If someone's behaving like a dick, then it's okay to call them a dick - it doesn't make it better to sweep it under the carpet and pretend they're a lovely person for the sake of the children.

Of course if an ex really has changed and is making an effort then that's different, but call me cynical, I think that's fairly rare. You can be as responsible and reasonable as you like but if your ex isn't being, you'll get nowhere, and I do advocate a hardline response in these situations. I don't think that's about holding a grudge, just no longer allowing someone who used to push you around to do so.

I have never seen anyone on this forum advocate petty acts of revenge, using children as pawns etc - which to me would be the definition of holding onto issues you have with your ex.

Minty,

In your case, you are both married and neither of you want to mess up your children's lives. So, he probably said it and meant it. However, with there being nowhere to go with these feelings, he is now getting on with his life. I am not sure what you expect? If it continues, it will lead to an affair which neither of you want. Does not mean he has turned his feelings off, merely that he is letting his head rule his heart.

Maybe he thought it would clear the air and give you understanding? He probably doesn't want to rock the boat for his family and disrupt his kids' lives, but felt the need to tell you how he felt.

Maybe he's avoiding you to keep himself from doing anything that might disrupt his family? He might not trust himself around you.

larry - I agree with you actually there are lots of man bashing threads and I do think alot of the time it must be both of the people in the marriage who are responsble for it's ending and it would be better to end things in a more amicable way at least that seems better to me but not been through that (yet)
dadissad - remember your thread how are things now?
bertie - thanks for that you are right about songs :0)

Minty, it sounds like if you are both in unhappy marriages that you're both just in a crap place at the moment. People in crap places sometimes just get to the end of their tether and don't really think about their actions.

I would try to forget anything happening with him, because even if it did it wouldn't be the healthiest of starts to a relationship, and instead perhaps look at your own life and what is lacking in there. If your marriage is unhappy, do you think it is solvable or are you just hanging on because you are afraid of leaving? Have you got to the point (perhaps the conversation with this other man has brought things to a head) that you don't want to try and fix it any more? Because that's okay. I do think that things happen for a reason, but perhaps not always the reason that we first think of - something like this can really make you look at your life as it stands and why it isn't making you happy. It's an opportunity for change :) It's just that the change will come from you, not other man. (Which is good because it means it's more likely to result in something which will make you truly happy in the long term.)

FWIW Men are traditionally less emotionally resilient than women. The suicide statistics back that up.

Who declared their feelings first?

You see, in the situation you describe, it is rarely if ever the case that two marriages will be as bad as eachother's, or that feelings are matched. It's likely that your feelings are stronger, his relationship isn't as unhappy as yours (if it is at all) and so he can switch off more easily.

What you've probably experienced is something called 'mirroring' where he is too polite and kind (to you) to be honest and say why he prefers his wife and their relationship to you. That's an unkindness to you because you don't have closure and are left with a fantasy that he would be with you if he wasn't such a 'decent man'.

And he isn't being kind to his wife at all creating this illusion, in order to stop him looking the bad guy to you.

Better to conclude that if he wanted you enough, he would be with you and that there's far more feeling for his wife than he's been letting on - and fewer feelings for you.

BTW, men and women are no different at all. If there'd been enough stacking up in your favour, he would leave to be with you, just as you would have to be with him. People are rarely unselfish enough to stay in a relationship if there's nothing in it for them, particularly those who feel entitled to an emotional affair.

Larry - thanks I don't know what I expect - nothing really I just wanted t oknow if he just forgot about me after saying all that. He initialted the conversation totally I didn't try to push him into revealing them or anything like that. But I still feel the same. I know an affair is not going to work from my point of view so i know I just have to get over him now really but the feelings are not going away.
Silly - he did say that he found being around me very difficult as he feels like he wants to grab me and kiss me all the time and finds it hard to not do that (obviously he has never done that) is that how men feel?
Thanks so much for your answers it is helping me understand a bit better :0)

I think reading posts on this forum some women can't seem to switch off the "but I love him" button whatever a man has done to her.

I know someone who couldn't function properly for 3 months after she found out that her husband was leaving her for another woman and would have taken him back in a heartbeat despite how badly he had treated her. I dont get that sometimes as whilst I have been upset I haven't stopped eating like she did. Relationships seem to be a huge part of a woman's life.

Bertie - thanks you are right. I am in a very complicated situation with dh and I am trying to sort things out so i can leave amicably and in the best way for dc. It will take time thoguh but is inevitable really. situation bearable for now though.
sternface - he totally declared his 1st. i was shocked and tried to change the subject twice as i don't really know him particularly well. I did tell him I felt the same (eventually)and had for years as well. Both him and his wife describe living as flatmates who don't really like each other. I don't know the situation right now though this was a while ago and had been bad for them for a few years. He is scared his wife will return to where she comes from thoguh which is 14 hour flight away. She is a very decent person from what I know of her thoguh. I like your tough talk though!! I think you are right and most people are selfish and will follow their heart if they are that interested so he probably isn't interested in me at all actually.