Child access

[Leedsboy]

Not sure if this is the right place but ... I live three hours drive away from my dd and her Mum. So access is normally a long weekend, not every Sat/Sun. When I do see her she isn't ready till about 1130 then I have to bring her back for the afternoon sleep at 2.30. All that way for a few hours. Even spread over the weekend it doesn't seem much.

So is this reasonable? Do 2 year olds religiously need an afternoon nap then upon waking up have tea/get ready for bed. She doesn't go to sleep till about 8pm so not sure why I can't see her in the evening, apart from her Mum keeping me out of the house.

This weeekend I will spend a whole day with her as we are going out to a zoo as a threesome. She will miss her afternoon nap but will that be bad for her? Would it hurt her if she spent a day with Dad, get tired, and be ready for bed in the evening?

Leedsboy.

The amount of time you are describing is pathetic to be honest. To be fair to the mother, as is often the case, she probably thinks you are incapable of looking after a child on your own and hence will try to keep your time to a minimum. ( possibly she also feel lonely without the child ) . This you can only change over time by showing her you know what you are doing and building her confidence in you.

Naps are fairly important at that age, although she will over the year likely start to not need them ( much as you may wish she did at times ).

There is no reason why she shouldn't sleep when out with you. My XP like many, many mothers would sometimes take dd out in the push chair if dd wasn't settling down at home. And there is something quite lovely about pushing a sleeping child around in a push chair.... but... but... I think there is an issue of the actual push chair. It does need to be suitable for a child to sleep in otherwise there can be back problems.

And of course if she's out having fun with daddy there is a greater likelihood she'll be tired.

Here are some things you may or may not know that you need.

a lunch kit. have a plastic container with chopped carrots, peppers, cherry tomatoes, health fruit bar, banana and a healthy drink / water etc.

changing kit ( obviously ) and a spare set of clothes for dd in case of accidents. not a bad idea to have a spare tee-shirt for you if she pees on you.

books, colouring books, sticker books, crayons, coloured pencils.

soft toy/s

sun cream and sun hat

back pack to carry it all around with.

a ball to kick around

research all parks and play areas.

find out where the local library is.

ditto swimming pool.

a small blanket

a book to read when she's asleep.

There is a LoneParent section on MN here where you'll get lots of good advice.

I'd add that is can be a catch 22 situation. The mother doesn't have confidence in you looking after the child so restricts the time you have. You don't get to spend much time with child as a result and hence it takes longer to gain confidence and learn the ins and outs.

Good advice MrsG

Thanks Ninja. My dd was 2 when I split with XP and being concerned about how she'd cope at my place I asked the question on Mumsnet. The over whelming response was that she'd be fine.

DD visited once with her mother for the day one week, stayed overnight two weeks later, within a month was staying two nights in a row and on the fourth month her mother had to go away for four nights.

DD was absolutely fine all through the process. I was more concerned than she was. She just took it in her stride. I think as long as the child feels secure and loved there shouldn't be a problem.

XP initially thought she should be 7 years old before any over nights... 7 YEARS OLD !!!!!!!!!

Ahem... That's MrGin by the way. :-)

I agree with the others that it is a ridiculously small amount of contact, but I think especially with a first child there can be a tendency to focus on routine to the exclusion of all else, and it can be difficult to break away from it for fear of disrupting the child's sleep patterns entirely. I don't think your ex is necessarily being deliberately being controlling (although she may well be, there's just nothing else in your post to suggest it).

I agree with the others that ideally you would be collecting her at say 9am, having her all day and you should take a pushchair with at least a semi recline so that she can nap in that if needs be. Also staying overnight locally to see her both days, and then move to having her overnight with you wherever you're staying.

The distance really is a difficult though, can I ask why you're so far apart?

excellent advice MrGin. I would also reiterate that the access provided (essentially 3 hours) is not sufficient - I'm sure there are aunts/grandparents who have greater access to a child than in this case.

Yes 2 years old generally do better if they have sleep but they also survive if they have to go to a nursery, if mum is working or they have to sleep in the car/buggy if mum has to collect an older child from school. If a mum wants to prioritise contact with a dad she will find a way to make it work.

I would suggest the OP starts to ask for more reasonable time and if the mum is unwilling or unreasonable then he should go to court. It's unlikely that he will be awarded less access than he has today. The mum needs to realise that her needs can't dominate and plenty of lone mums manage with the dad having more time with their child.

I have no option on where I live - three hours is the minimum drive which is why I don't do it every weekend. In miles it's about 200. After dd's Mum stopped me seeing her for ten months I have re-established contact since April when she turned two. After not recognising me she now knows who I am - the one that keeps up with her energy at the soft play centre and buys her little things. If I lived in the same town 'little and often' would work fine. I know it sounds selfish to want to spend quality time due to the distance and of course the needs of dd come first. But I only visit about every three weeks. If dd's Mum had her way it would be never but that's another story.

Anyway I suggested that instead of two hours on a Sunday I could pick her up mid-morning and give dd's Mum a rest. She got defensive - what will dd do etc? I suggested (weather permitting) the park where we can pick flowers, kick a ball etc. Even if it's windy she can wear a coat. If the weather is too bad then it's back to soft play centre. She has plenty of energy to run off and I don't think she gets that.

She likes the car drive but the little miss now tries to get in herself and do the buckle and wo betide anyone that hurries her up!

Oops MrG

It is difficult for the DC's when the family unit breaks down but the adults have to do what's best for the DC.

OP I can understand why XP might be concerned as you didn't see DC for 10 months so a whole night away might be too much too soon. (Not going to judge why acces was stopped previously, as you said its a whole other story)
Just try to be consistent with whatever access she allows, prove you are capable.

If she continues to restrict access your only other option it through court.

But please try all other options before then as the court process is very upsetting for all concerned.

I recommend having a chat with Families Need Fathers. They're a good bunch.

Back again! My dd will be 3 in April but I have been allowed to see her for just six months since March 11. Basically her Mum bought tickets to see her family in Kenya, asked my approval two months later (when it was almost too late) and of course I took them to the airport. The visit was supposed to be five weeks over Christmas 2011, it turned into eight but I was not told till two days before return - could I pick them up? I said no.

I started to see dd again from Mar-Sep 12 partly due to my working on the Olympic Games so travel from London-Swindon was easy. Since then she was constantly 'busy' so I got the message. Now I have been asked for approval for another Kenya trip, eight weeks this time coming back in March. She has just got over a chest infection (hence anti biotics) and will probably get malaria again. Her body must be totally upset.

We are decree nisi, hopefully absolute in Feb, but dd's Kenyan family have seen more of her than mine - and me! Just to muddy the waters I start a new job in April and eventually will be posted to southern Scotland so I will be clocking up the air miles a bit.

What sort of access do people think the court will grant as I am starting a new life with a new partner/

What does your solicitor say about all this?

I'm tearing my hair out at no access to dd, 3 next month. Ex wife has denied access for six months and has gone to visit her family in Kenya, a 7 week trip that not only does not have my approval but she is overdue the planned return date. Same thing happened last year.

Decree absolute came through this month so am waiting on access through the court but am so annoyed with her. Feel like reporting her for kidnap. I have a new job lined up and house bought and in an ideal world would love custody to give dd a stable home instead of cooped up in a flat and spending too much time abroad. No wonder she hardly recognises me sometimes.

Any thoughts? I've no idea when she is coming back and ex wife probably doesn't believe me when I day fathers have access rights.

You really need to see a solicitor. If you're on benefits or low income you may be eligible for legal aid - it's worth calling a few local firms that specialise in family law to see whether you might be eligible. If not, some firms offer a free short initial consultation. Or a flat rate fee to help with form filling. If you can't get a solicitor you could go to your local court and ask them for the relevant forms you need to apply for contact and you will then have to pay a court fee to apply - unless you've already done this? The CAB have some good advice if you google their Adviceguide and then divorce/children. Strictly speaking, as you have parental responsibility, she should get your agreement before taking your daughter out of the country for 7 weeks.

I'm assuming communication has broken down and trying to discuss this amicably with her is not an option. Likewise mediation is probably unlikely to work but you could suggest this to her. There's lots of stuff on CAB website about mediation.

The longer you leave it, the harder it will be. Can I ask why you've left it for 6 months? I know it can be hard sometimes if one parent is being deliberately obstructive but you must persevere. Your daughter has a right to BOTH her parents. And you have a right to see your daughter!

I hope you can get something sorted soon.

Sorry, just realised there's alot mor to this thread that I hadn't read so ignore me!

I tried to see her last autumn but ex said they were constantly "busy" so I got the message after a few attempts. I have a solicitor that has done all the divorce stuff for me, last bill to come soon I think.

I tried to give it another go last autumn but if I'm not prepared to work on Swindon (where she is) there is no chance. As it happens I have a new partner and we are moving to Lothian in July. Sometimes feel like I should look into a private investigator to find out where she is and if return tickets have been booked.