Feeling unsupported

[ChocolateMarshmallows]

Hi, have been reading these forums for some time now and have finally plucked up the courage to post.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my first baby, the pregnancy was quite a suprise to me and DP. We are past the initial shock and are looking forward to being parents.

The problem is I feel like I get very little support from DP. We don't live together. I am currently at uni (graduating in 2013) and living at my mums. He has a little flat and is unemployed (for a year and a half now). We have both wanted to move in together but can not afford it while he is unemployed.

I havn't had the easiest pregnancies (although im sure people have alot worse) I had all day sickness up until 18 weeks followed by two nasty chest infections.

When I am feeling ill, he hardly comforts me and if I complain about being in pain, feeling ill etc he either has a go at me or asks what I expect him to do about it. I say I just want some comfort and I may get a hug for a minute if I ask for it and thats it. Last week he had a go at me in the park because I wasnt walking fast enough for him (I had heavy shopping bags).

He wants to be there for the birth of our child and disagrees on my mum being there (who I want to be there) but everytime I talk to him about birth or raise any concerns/worries he blocks me off saying that there is no point in thinking about the birth until it happens. Obviously I want to be prepared to a certain extent.

He makes alot of empty promises about finding a job getting enough money to live together and be a proper family but never follows through on any of these promises. He doesnt activly look for work. Has spent less than £10 on baby items and basically the rest is up to me... I understand that he doesnt have much money but he buys his computer games no problem.

We had a huge row today because he went out and bought a new computer game, when just two days ago he said he would be helping me out more with buying stuff ready for baby as im very worried and dont have much money myself. It is also my birthday this weekend which he said he doesnt have much money to buy me anything yet he can buy computer games? I was rather upset and feel like the baby and I are not very important to him.

I don't know if im over reacting or if there is a serious problem. All I know is im often left in tears over how selfish he is and generally feel like i'm the last thing he seems to think about.

Chocolate,
I think you know the answer to your question yourself.
DP isnt such a DP.

Plan what you want to do for your baby's birth, be it with your mother or what you think will work for you - as labour is slightly scary if you dont have someone supportive with you - whom you love and trust.

DP may not stay around and he might be pants even if he does.
(My Ex-H fell asleep during the first 2 of my childrens' births. The midwife and I (inbetween my howling) were going to shave off his eyebrows) (Poor man, so exhausting for him... - hence one of the many reasons he's my exH now).

You have a lovely baby on the way. You know that you can do this. You know you need to buy things ready for the baby. You know when you are tired and what help you need to keep going. Most of us dont do the "feel amazing and energic during pregancy" thing, most of us are plum knackered and need someone else to carry our bags when heavily preggers thing .

Umm just from a girl's point of view. DP did not buy you a birthday present (or a little one) but bought himself a(n expensive?) computer game. Wow, priorities.... Would you have done that to him? If not, then, no, you are not over-reacting. Honey, you'll be fine, but step back a little and keep yourself and your new baby to be, happy and well supported by others who love you xxx

Thank you for your reply.

My birthday is not until this weekend but I have been told not to expect very much as he has no money. But has been telling me for months that he will save up for something as I spent quite alot on a gift for him for his birthday. I really don't mind not getting much at all if he can't afford it but my birthday obviously comes after him getting his game :(

Everything just feels like such a struggle with him.

Oh dear. He will never put your little one first, do you realise that? You have been told not to expect much for your upcoming birthday... I wouldn't expect much for your entire life with this waste of space.

Unsympathetic about your aches and pains of pregnancy (can be very worrying for a first time mum)
Complete lack of ambition, even with a new life to support being on the way
Not willing to accommodate you in his home even though you are carrying his child
Unwilling to give affection and reassurance
Puts his own needs and wants first (computer game etc)

What would you say to a friend who laid all that before you?

You know the answer. You can do this. Leave him behind and live a happy life. Let your baby know a happy mum.

Ps, biggest red flag of all is wanting to cut you off from your mum at the birth. Run like the wind. He is asserting control and isolating you from real support. You will remember the birth of your child for the rest of your life. Do you really want to make that memory a bad one?

Good luck xxxx

I'm sorry you have such a rubbish partner.

Congratulations on your new baby! That's the important thing.
I agree with Whereismumhiding - I think you know that you aren't overreacting.
Personally, and it is only imo as these things are very easy to type -
I would not be with a man that

• shouted at me

-has a go at me -causes arguments -has no empathy -left me carrying huge shopping bags and then had a go because I was not walking fast enough -prioritised his wants over the needs of his child and his spouse -lied to me in the guise of lipservice and empty promises -has no ambiton -makes me feel bad. -Overuled my birth choices -refuses to discuss things and runs the relationship to his rules Essentially he leaves you miserable. What does he bring to the table? Why is he worth the struggle? He sounds childish and irresponsible, and actually not very nice. Even when writing about an argument we may have had DH still comes across as a fundamentally nice & caring person, your p doesn't really. Some immature men can wise up once the child is here and 'real' to them but he sounds like he couldn't give less of a shit about you and the baby tbh. It sucks being out of work but most people are trying to get back into it, most people would be providing for their child and then see if they had enough left over for a treat for themselves. A hug and affection cost nothing. I bet he expects you to proffer affection when he wants it. He will be second to the baby, it's just the way it is, they need you so much. What did he say when you had the row? How did he justify spending on him when he couldn't provide for his child? He does need to justify himself really, you didn't make the baby on your own. What do you want to do? Whatever it is you will be dealing with him because of your child so he needs to know he is expected to contribute 50/50, that's parenting and finances - if he can't do that now then how do you forsee it going later when expenses go up and time for him is in decline? If he can't contribute financially he should be doing more in other ways, it's just what you do.

Oops x-posted, I took so long to write it I missed your post GTTP.
DC with a nasty ear infection is feeling pretty rubbish but has just fallen asleep on my shoulder, typing one handed takes me ages!

Also OP if he doesn't want your mum there and refuses to discuss it what about the rest of your labour?
I needed DH to advocate for me when I wasn't up to it - he was chasing midwives for all sorts that I couldn't have done myself. I also needed him to help me move after an epidural to pee/shower etc, it doesn't sound like he'll give a toss how sore/incapacitated you are. Lots of hand holding too.
So he won't let your mum be there, he won't comfort you, will he let you have pain relief? A water birth? Will he get you anti-emetics or make sure you have water or food? Will he fuck off or go to sleep until you're actually pushing?
What about having your bag packed and making sure all is ready for you when you are going to hospital? Or will you be expected to take care of it. What about the bloody car seat? Is he doing anything but being a pain in your arse?

None of it's good but this would be my immediate concern.

Do have your Mum at the birth, she will be of use, he sounds as if he will be as much use as a chocolate tea pot.
Talk about him with your mid-wife, so they are prepared for what he is like, and so it is in big letters on your notes that you want your Mum there.
He does sound like someone who is very focused on his rights and not his responsibilities. To be honest I am relieved you are not living with him, as I doubt he would look after you at all.

Have you been on any preparation for child birth courses yet? Will he accompany you? Yes you do need to prepare, and do find out all about pain relief and the other ways your local hospital work.

I would also say if the shock of you being pregnant hasn't shocked him into looking for work (any work) then I think he will be too passive to ever really bother. Do you need two dependents at this time in your life?