So is this it? - sorry long! :(

[Myfaultagain]

I have been married for 15 years and have one DS age 13. My husband has always had a short temper and tends to shout bawl and crash and smash things when he is annoyed. I can't bear it, I think a throwback to witnessing my mothers violence and alcoholism in early childhood. I therefore tend to placate him and back down when we argue.
We rub along I suppose but he has always and I mean always gone out a few times a week to the pub, not getting smashed by any means but the rigidity of it annoys me- I have had to turn down nights out that clash with his. It also winds me up that I can still be at work ( I have always worked FT) and he is off to the pub. It has caused so many rows but as I say I have always tended to back down. Now DS is older he is even freer to do it.

He won't see reason and says he doesn't see the harm but given that I earn more than him slightly but spend most of my spare cash on the house and Ds ( which I do not begrudge) whereas his seems to go on the pub.

I have to sort out all the household requirements, shopping bills repairs you name it. He won't do anything unless it's something he wants to do. I think half the time it's because he wants to blame me if it goes wrong!

Tonight we had a domestic emergency and he phoned me at work to sort it which I did. I was annoyed because as usual it had fell to me. HE then starting ranting about how miserable I am and he hates coming home because I am always in a mood. I told him that his lack of interest in me or anything other than what he wants to do was why I am fed up. Words ensued and he packed a bag and left- never done this before. He then came back a few hours later saying he wasn't back but had 'nowhere to go tonight'. He has then not spoken to me and is sleeping in the spare room,again never done that before.
I really don't know where to go from here- it was like he engineered a row, though to be fair I said that I would be better off without him. He isn't the type of man who would confide in any of his friends and he has no family to speak of.

I am just so sick of the routine, rarely doing family things.... No interest in joint decisions or the house..... the same arguments over again. However we do get on well besides this and my DS idolises his father,they are best friends as well as father and son. Do I back down and apologise again?

Sorry for big rant, just really really fed up ......

Do you back down and apologise again ?

Apologise for what ?

you have been apologising for simply existing for too long

I think you are both giving your impressionable son a very poor example of what constitutes a healthy relationship

An aggressive, manipulative, dismissive, disconnected and uncaring father (to his wofe). A mother who appeases and backs down so as not to rock the boat.

Your son could still have a relationship with his father if you were to split. I don't see what your relationship with this man brings you though, apart from a regular kicks in the teeth and the slow destruction of your self respect.

wife

Sorry you are in the middle of this.

He needs you more than you or your dc needs him.
15 years may seem like a lifetime, it's all you know but you can have all your future.

It's very frightening when the scales start to drop from your eyes but AF is right. You are living with a bully. He is not a nice man or a good example to your son. Now you have realised you don't really have much choice. Leave and make yourself and your son a new life free of his nastiness or stay and be destroyed slowly by him.
Don't panic. There are plenty of kind women here who understand. Read the EA support thread and the links and start observing him as an example of the species Homo Abusio. Detach and make a plan. You sound competent and capable and you will be fine. And life without him will be SOOOOOO much better!

are you still around, OP?

Yes I am at work. Thanks for your response - I need to think x

"We rub along I suppose "

Not really. He's only pleasant when you're being submissive. That's not 'rubbing along', that's a very unhealthy relationship of a dominant bully and his victim. Your template for how adults behave and your view of yourself as having to be a peace-maker most likely stems from having a violent mother. Sadly, your son is likely to take the same legacy into any relationships he has in future and either end up miserably keeping the peace like you or being a violent bully like his dad.

You don't have to put up with this a second longer. If you've been with someone for a long time it is a daunting prospect to consider going independent. But you only get one shot at life. Is this how you want to spend it?

OP not wishing to sound blase (blaze)? about this but I'd be rubbing my hands thinking this is the ideal opportunity to get rid of this selfish pig really.

How I see it is You dared to stick up for yourself and he's gone storming out to leave you and now he's taken to the spare bedroom. I'd frigging leave him there and tell him you'll help him find a place for him to go.

I know you are all on my side and I appreciate it so much. But I actually don t want to break my family up. I just can t imagine telling my DS that we might split up. Anything else other than that I can cope with. Tell me- can this ever be turned round?

Your partner is abusive, you and your son would be better off separating from him. Make sure you do it safely, there are resources online at the Women's Aid and Freedom Programme websites.

Tell me- can this ever be turned round?

No.

You have two choices: accept to be treated with complete contempt by your husband, and have that shape your son's understanding of adult relationships, or decide that you and your son deserve better, and leave.

He will not change. Those are your choices.

Here's a compassionate expert to help you work out what you want:

Should I stay or should I go

Your husband knows that you don't want to break the family up and uses that knowledge to keep you under control. There are no consequences to his behaviour and therefore no incentives for him to change the behaviour. The only person who can change the way you are treated is him. The only person who can decide that you no longer wish to put up with it is you.

As for your DS. I grew up as the child of an unhappy marriage and, for as long as I can remember, I have wished that my parents would have split rather than having to endure the constant arguments and nasty sniping that went on... and still goes on, even though they are in their seventies and not in the best of health. I love my parents individually but the atmosphere in their home is so upsetting that I left as soon as I was able and, thirty years on, avoid spending time there. No child should have to put up with that.

What everyone else has said.

You should give him a deadline to move out and seek legal advice asap.

He is the one who has walked out (and then returned...) and so turned his back on his family.

God - I haven t got time to read books- I shouldn t even be on here !!!! I haven t heard a word today from my husband and I am not phoning him. Cue probably a big row later- I have tried to tell him before that he is ea and I don't like it. I am absolutely dreading it!

You don't have to have a row.

He has chosen his path. You accept it and that's it.

I have tried to tell him before that he is ea and I don't like it.

It's not him who needs to hear that: it's you.

You don't like it. You also can't change him. You can therefore only change your own actions: accept his abuse for what it is, and choose to stay under those circumstances, or choose to leave.

God I can t do this!!! This is my second marriage was supposed to be forever! I have a busy and demanding job- I can t afford a load of stress and hassle! I can t bear the thought of breaking the family up, house would have to go..... And I have never mentioned this to anyone, what on earth will they think, that I am making this up? On a lighter note I can multi task- I am on a conference call as I write this.

If you haven't time to read a book maybe scan the on-line articles at the top of this thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1448224-Support-thread-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-relationships-number-8.

we know it is horrible and getting out sounds impossible and undesirable but imagine your son being treated as you are, or treating someone else like this. At least consider how you can teach him a different way

He packed a bag and left, only to come back later on why do you think he did this? You say he had no where to go? Hotel? I bet he still doesn't find anything tonight either! Why? Probably because he's using emotional blackmail/abuse as a way of getting what he wants. He probably thought you'd be sobbing at his departure and give him anything when he came back. He's in the spare bedroom and not phoning because you haven't given in.

My ExH used to do this sort of thing all the time to get his own way, I later found out it's called emotional blackmail, it can come in many forms, threatening to leave, leaving for short periods, not talking, rowing, asking nicely, he'd try anything as long as it got him the end result.

As others have said, he won't change, it's been 15 years and he's not changed. You've got 2 choices, either put up with it, or leave him.

This isn't meant to sound as harsh as it does, but sometimes being so close to it all, you don't see what's going on.

God I can t do this!!! This is my second marriage was supposed to be forever! I have a busy and demanding job- I can t afford a load of stress and hassle! I can t bear the thought of breaking the family up, house would have to go..... And I have never mentioned this to anyone, what on earth will they think, that I am making this up?

None of this is your fault, it really isn't!! It's him being an arse and doens't reflect on you!

"Tell me- can this ever be turned round?"

Short answer to that question is no.

You have a choice re this man; your son does not.

What are you both teaching your son about relationships here?. You yourself learnt damaging lessons as a child by trying to appease a drunkard and violent mother. It is of no real surprise to me at all that the legacy of all toxic childhood has been now transferred to your second marriage. You ended up marrying someone who could well be described as a drunkard bully.

You can have a good life for yourself and your son without his malign daily prescence in it. your son too won;'t thank you for staying with such a bloke and perhaps is wondering even now at this tender age why you have put this man before him.

Your family unit is already broken.

Your family isn't a healthy one

there isn't anything to "break" it is already damaged by the way that Daddy treats Mummy

that's a very poor example for your dc to be subjected to

you would smooth things over because you are busy at work ? really ?